Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Somethings never change, damn spiral staircase

I wrote this seven years ago and par for the course not much has changed as I am on that damn spiral staircase constantly going through and over the same old shit. Yes, I have "updated" it to add what has happened over those seven years but the sentiment is still the same.

I look around my room and see things and books that remind me of a faith I once had and wonder where it has gone. Where has my child-like-ness gone? I see "My Life on the Rock" and wonder how many rocks I have to climb and fall over. I see "Witness of Hope" and wonder where my hope has gone, and what could I possibly be witnessing to. I see "In the Presence of the Lord" and wonder where that Presence has gone. What was once so close seems and is so far away. I see "Lord Have Mercy" and "A Father Who Keeps His Promises" mutter a short prayer and wonder where and what those promises are knowing that God's mercy is there somewhere but is hidden to me. I see "First Comes Love" and think of all the different types of love out there and wonder if they are worth it. I see pictures of friends who are no longer friends and wonder was it worth it. Is it worth opening the wounds so freshly made to simply know you are not alone? Is it worth bearing one's soul and wearing one's heart on one's sleeve so that someone else does not have to go through or know the pain?

There are signs and glimpses of a faith that was once there, but they often fade away as quickly as they come. I am constantly reminded of what could have been, what should have been. I will forever be that black sheep who never seems to fit in. I am on the outside looking in trying to find my way back in and wonder if it will ever happen.

A Dark Night of the Soul is not something often if ever talked about because most do not and will not understand it. To know and see God, to feel His Presence and then lose it all only to see tiny glimpses of it return is not something easily forgotten or gotten over.

Questioning who and what one believes is normal. I believe what I believe because I believe, I just miss that child-like faith. One day I will understand.