I'm too lazy to go find a notebook and write these down, so the next best thing is a blog no one reads.
Fr. Mike Schmitz's first question is also a Jesus question "what are you looking for?" The quick answer is an answer to my questions "Where do You want me?" and "What do You have planned for me?" I'm looking for answers and a confirmation of my decision to step away from ministry, even though I know I won't actually be stepping away if a few certain priests ask for help. I'm so over the tension at St. Anthony's and maybe I just need to type up how I feel about that and some answers will appear. I have become friends with the vicar as I call him, but long before that finally happened, I saw myself in him. We are similar in many ways. In a way I am looking for a new home, a new church. The last time I was looking for a job, I wasn't ready to leave St. Anthony's, I am now. I'm still not ready to leave New Jersey as I can't imagine what it would have been like to be States and miles away when mom died. In a way I haven't properly mourned or grieved over that either. She died and two weeks later the world shut down in a pandemic that's still going on.
Fr. Mike asks "What purpose has God put on your heart? Do you even believe you have a purpose? Take some honest time to reflect on your life thus far. What is stirring in your imagination and in your heart?" As I read Fr. Mike's reflection, I saw myself in the I just want to help people. I think now I also want to listen to people, I want to bring people to the Catholic Church, I want to pass on the faith, but I also love what I do, I really do love caring for the kids I have, they may drive me crazy, but I do love them. This is why I am torn, every time I have gone towards paid ministry I end up doing something else. I have a degree in Religion, minors in Catholic Studies and Latin, and a certificate in Evangelization, along with some credits towards my Masters of Theology. Do I want to teach or do I want to minister or do I find a way to do both? I do believe I have a purpose, for a while I thought it was to be a mother, but that's not going to happen, as it looks like a vocation to the single life is for me, it is what it is. I feel I have found another vocation in being a friend to priests, granted that came from Charlie being ordained. It's weird, I still see and think of him as Charlie, the friend vs. a priest, so many times I forget he is actually a priest, but he is one and I made it happen. With the vicar, he's a priest who has become a friend, he will always be priest first then friend, Charlie is the opposite, friend first, then priest. If I look at my life the only times besides retail that I have stayed in a job are teaching. Do I go back to high school religion, I don't want the grades, I want to teach with out the issues of administration being there. Do I look towards this new ministry of Catechist, it's not new, but it's different. So yes I have a purpose and I thought I knew it, but I'm not sure now. Hence why I am reading a book on discernment.
"honest time" is sitting here just typing words on honest reflection, am I becoming scrupulous, I am a perfectionist to an extent. I think my decision to step down from RCIA, and Confirmation is settled I am just looking for someone to say, yes you need to step away. I think the vicar's situation is the catalyst I needed to say I need to step back and take time for myself. I have felt as if confirmation preparation was pointless for many years. All the way back to when we were doing the retreats, but I always said if one kid got something out of it, then it was worth all the heartache, I don't know if I feel that way anymore. This is what it's like to be in my head, it's crazy I jump from place to place and idea to idea. You'd think after all these years I'd know how to deal with myself. I have long been a proponent of trusting my gut, but I lost that a long time ago when the Dark Night (I have been looking at too many Mets stories about Matt Harvey as I nearly typed Dark Knight, more on that man later) began to creep in. I wish for things to happen and when they don't I don't know how to feel other than my imagination can be fairly active. I think I use my walks and act like I am talking to another person just to get the thoughts out of or into or understood in my head.
Am I making a difference, does what I do really matter, those are the two questions that came to mind when I was out walking yesterday. I was trying to get inside my head and in many ways I need to get out of my head.
The reflection questions at the end of the chapter.
1. What am I seeking? Honestly, I don't know. The vicar in his homily today spoke about going above our wants and expectations and how when we do we are ascending and getting closer to our Great ascension to Heaven. He asked some questions about being comfortable, financially stable, and in good health. I often say he and I are alike, good health made me laugh and cry as both his mother and mine died from cancer within two months of each other. Yet he put aside his grief to comfort me. There is no way to describe that hug from him on Ash Wednesday in 2020, it was friendship, and I totally know what you are feeling all rolled into one. Financially stable made me laugh as I have always worked for the Church, a school or in retail, none of which really pay a living wage. But it made me think, that other than being comfortable that I am honestly ok with the others not being 100% for me. I am at the age where health is going to decline anyway. So what am I seeking, am I running from something, or just waiting for the neon sign that won't come. I guess I am seeking answers or trying to find away to bring people to the Church, to actually pass on the Traditions and Teachings of the Church.
2. What is weighting on my mind and heart? Right now it's the situation at the parish, I want that confirmation of "yes, you stepping away is what I want you to do" When I was looking at jobs it was oh no what will St. Anthony's do without me, now I'm at the point that I don't care what happens at the parish. The vicar's decision seems to be my own catalyst to say, I am done. I don't like disappointing people or change it's why I stay with something even if I don't like it. I like my routine and knowing what to expect. The element of the unknown with interviews just doesn't appeal to me.
3. When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing? I want to be able to say I followed God's will for my life. I don't that I didn't do the best with that. I want to bring people to the Church, and I most likely will never see that end result. I want to be happy and joyful, I don't seem to have either at the moment.
4. What matters most to me? I feel like my answer is yet again I don't know. I am stuck in a rut, a dark night of sorts and I can't seem to get out of it. I want to say my faith and my family, but honestly I don't know if either one is up there at the moment.
I can so confused, so tired and I just want the neon sign, but I know that's not how things work.
