Homilies that make me think

In all honesty if I remember any part of a homily on the walk home from Mass it means it was a good one, if I remember it days and weeks later, it was a really good one. Recently the vicar’s homilies have made me think. 

Side note we have the vicar, the former vicar, Padre Best Friend, and of course the pastor, if you know me you know who they are but blogging purposes the nicknames work. 

Anyway back to the homilies. A few weeks ago the vicar mentioned how we all need to keep growing in and learning the Faith in his homily. For the past few years I have used my Every Sacred Sunday journal or what I call my Mass journal. It allows me time to read and reflect on the Sunday (and Holy Days of Obligation)  readings, it also allows me to take notes on the homily. That’s how I use it, others could do something different.  I remembered writing “adult faith formation” in my journal and wonder if any parish was looking to hire someone to do just that.

The vicar is right we do need to keep learning the faith and not just stop with that 8th grade or maybe high school level of education. I seek out ways to keep learning and growing most people do not. Most parishes don’t offer ways for adults to learn what the Church teaches. We offer Bible studies, or something else but nothing along the lines of here’s what the Church actually teaches. So yes I’m this whole discernment thing my heart wants adult faith formation but has to settle for religious education because that’s all that’s out there. 

I don’t know why but this Mother’s Day was more emotional than the past few years, it probably has to do with everything going on in my life at the moment. Not that we talked much about stuff but what I wouldn’t do for one more trip to the mall, simply because that’s when we talked, on the car ride to and from the mall. Yeah I know I can still talk to my mom but it’s not the same. So I went to Mass hoping I ended up with the vicar for a few reasons and was I beyond thrilled to have him, incense, and a sprinkling rite. I’m a liturgy snob so my day was made and given the day it was that hour was the bright spot in an otherwise blah day. 

In his homily the vicar mentioned how our inside needs to match our outside. By far not the first time I have felt called out in a homily, but this one hit home. It hit home because that morning I was thinking about how my “safe space” was church, how I could be myself in Church, how I was happy at Mass. If anyone saw me, as they do, they saw the crazy lady who veils and sings at Mass, they see the pious woman on the outside but no one knows the inside. How many times have I complained about behaviors at Mass (adults, not kids), acted like the know it all, or how often do my thoughts not match that of a Christian. The former vicar when we saw each other asked “how’s your rage?” I’ve always been honest with him so the answer was “oh it’s there just hidden, well suppressed” The anger and spitefulness I feel with the whole work situation is righteous in one sense and just wrong on another. 

“I will not leave you orphans” is the line that stuck out in the Gospel, the vicar pointed that line out too, it most likely spoke to both of us for the same reason. There was so much in his homily and it’s not the first time I have thought about how alike he and I are it just stood out in this homily. Attached to the does the inside match the outside question was a good point “is that where the frustration of not feeling God’s presence comes from” I know God is with me on this journey but knowing and feeling are two different things. I have said it to myself many times, where is the faith I used to have. Oh I see glimpses of it as a reminder of what is there but that Dark Night overshadows it, that exact frustration of not feeling God’s presence is what I wish I felt during the week instead of just for an hour on Sunday. 

Also in the homily was the line spoken for himself but to all of us “through the liturgy Christ reminds me that everything will be ok” As I have said many times I am a liturgy snob it’s just who I am. Mass is my happy place. I saw it on Easter as well I was happiest when I was at Mass. As I was scrolling one of the God awful social media platforms I caught one of Fr. Mike Schmitz’ homilies where he said “Mass should change us, if we are the same after Mass as we were before, we’re not doing it right” that’s become my prayer at Mass, change me. I’ve always said “take all of me as unworthy as I am, use me” Just the reminder that Jesus’ saving act that is re-presented to us at every Mass should be enough to get me to go to daily Mass, now that I can. 

My first reaction when I was fired after I sat in my car for a minute was “I need a Church with Adoration” so that’s where I went to Adoration. Oh I was angry, still am, but I had calmed myself down enough to be in some semblance of a proper place for praying. I’m his homily the vicar said “Jesus is with us 24/7 in the Eucharist.” 

Since my days as an undergraduate I have been drawn to Adoration, the former vicar wonderfully brought back monthly Holy Hours to the parish. Yes I know as my Bishop-emeritus said “you can just come in the Church and be with Jesus” but to my crazy self it’s not the same, even though it is. I like the pomp and circumstance of formal Adoration and Benediction. 

The last thing I wrote in my Mass journal was “who sits on the throne of our hearts, God or ourselves.” Pretty sure I was writing it before the vicar said it. So as I stumble on this discernment journey, honestly as I stumble on life’s journey who sits on that throne? I would love to say God, but if the question “does the inside match the outside got me thinking” I know the answer is myself. 

Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan, I just wish I saw it a bit more clearly. Id the waking up at 6:45 daily is any indication my lazy ass should be going to daily Mass. 

Lord, guide us, protect us, keep us safe. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Jackie Angel

So in Jackie’s reflection she talks about making the shoe fit and well that seems to be what I have done with my jobs ovwe my life. I just kinda make it fit to what my life is at the time. She speaks of how we should be deciding between two good things. That’s the issue I’m stuck between teaching and ministry. 

I can easily apply the door questions to ministry and answer yes to all of them. With teaching it’s not necessarily that easy. Maybe that’s the answer after all these years I might finally have a ministry job and not just all that unpaid experience from college and the parish. 

What competing good choices are you facing right now? 

Ministry in particular campus ministry versus teaching. Don’t get me wrong I know that in some form I will always be teaching. The idea of being in education appeals and doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I loved being with the kids the past few years but administrators made me really really dislike it. I can’t say hate because I didn’t hate it I hated the most recent environment. 

Imagine committing to a particular option before you, and mentally consider what the results might be. Does this bring you a sense of peace or anxiety? 

Everything seems to being anxiety right now, at least I know what it feels like. I have played out certain aspects of ministry in my head already. That usually get me into trouble as when I think a job is mine it usually isn’t. It’s usually the opposite when I feel beyond unqualified that I get it. I’ve also played out teaching and what makes me excited about that is being able to teach a religion class, the rest of it not so much.  I’m leaning towards ministry giving me peace but I don’t think I would feel peace right now. 

Ironically my prayer used to be like Fr. Mike’s, I want an answer and today I changed it to “guidance along this process” I should have known that asking for guidance would be mentioned in this reflection. It may be a few weeks but I will eventually have my answer. 

Door questions: (I don’t feel like moving them to the paragraph) 

1. Is this a good door?
2. Is this an open door?
3. Is this a wise door?
4. Is this a door that you want to walk through?

If you know you know

This is written purely for me to get it off my chest. No names were used on purpose and not a mention of where I worked so if you know, please keep it to yourself. This is the conversation that took place and my side. Yes I know there are two sides to every story.

I play things close to my chest so if you already know this, you are one of the few I trust with my life. 

I was unceremoniously fired from my job simply because I kept pointing out that state law was being broken and because the director of the school has never seemed to like me. The nice way of saying it is difference of opinion on how classroom ratios were handled. 

I could play out the whole morning it happened but honestly there was plenty of signs before that the excuses were just found that day. The main issue ratio has been an issue basically since I started there a year ago February.

Here’s how that morning played out:

I count the kids in my room as the teacher next door counts hers and we figure out how to be in ratio as our ratio is 1 adult to 6 kids. Within a few minutes a bunch of kids show up for the room next door putting her a few over ratio. She’s a newish teacher so she asked me what to do and I said call the front; she did multiple times and no one answered.

All of a sudden the director comes in and says “stop checking kids in” 

Me: (I could have been nicer about how I said it but I was tired of this being a daily occurrence) I’m not… and it doesn’t matter, we are over ratio 

Director: then who is checking them in?

Me: I don’t know (I totally did, but I don’t play that game

Director: why didn’t you call, it comes to my phone I didn’t get any calls 

Me: I just went to 7 kids, but I watched “teacher next door” with my own two eyes call multiple times so yes someone called

Director: I can’t deal with the yelling 

They send another teacher next door I send the kids that belonged there back, with in a few minutes my room is over ratio. I this time I did check my 7th kid in, took off her jacket, got her setttled and then went about sending one of my kids next door. While I was doing rhis rhe director came in and just stood at ehe gate, I didn’t even know she was there until after I put one of the kids in the room next door. 

I go about my day like normal until one of the teachers from my room comes to me and says “they want to see you in the office, it’s probably about this morning just so you know” I said thanks and walked back towards my classroom where the director and curriculum coordinator happened to be standing at the gate into the room. The kids see me and squealed with delight as they normally do. Director and curriculum coordinator turn around and we walk to the hallway, not an office but the literal hallway outside my classroom. 

Director: we are sorry you are so upset but we think your time with us is done

Me: thinking *did she just fire me?* and once my brain figured it out I was mad as fuck and everyone knew it. 

Director lists off bullshit excuses of how I didn’t interact with the kids, to which I vehemently replied that’s all I do to the point I apologize to the other teachers for not cleaning so she amended the comment to be “between 7-8” aka when the kids are getting dropped off and all these ratio problems happen. I was told I didn’t change diapers, also bullshit and I pointed out that they needed to make up their minds as to when diapers where supposed to be done. I then realized that I didn’t need to have this pointlessly conversation of defending myself and said “am I employed here anymore?” To which I got a no so I said this conversation is pointless and done. I was told because of a comment that I made in the heat of things that my attitude “of being sorry for those left after wasn’t needed” 

I had gotten a raise the week before so that 50 cent raise was thrown in my face as if it was God’s gift mankind and I should be grateful that even gave it to me. After that the director kept talking at me and I said I don’t work here anymore do I, she said no but don’t you want to know about payment. I said you’re paying me until today, correct and she said yes and then showed me the door. 

Could I have handled it better, absolutely did I need to get my Irish up and “yell” probably not, but after weeks and weeks of being out of ratio one doesn’t really care. 

So that’s the calm version of what happened. I’m currently looking for something else but I don’t even know if I want to stay in education or just something monotonous to do. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Fr. Mike Schmitz

This whole section speaks to me the same way it did 3 years ago. Fr. Mike talks about how he constantly asked “what do you want me to do?” and I feel exactly the same way. That seems to be my question “where do you want me, what do you want me to do?”

What am I looking for?

That is the question, what am I looking for. Like Fr. Mike said “an answer.” I am looking for the easy way out of this, I want the neon sign but I don’t want to have guess or figure out is this the sign or if am I doing the right thing. 

What decision is weighing on you? 

That’s a good question. I don’t know if it’s a decision as much as a situation. For years I have struggled with ministry or teaching. It’s always been between those two. I gave up on marriage approximately ten years ago, so it’s not that, I am fine with my vocation of “friend to priest” 

What is preoccupying your mind and your heart? 

Another good question. The whole situation with the former work place, and how it has left me feeling about teaching. When it’s dad’s time to go has long been on my heart and mind, so I have come to just live with it. I feel like I am stuck in a Dark Night and that it will never end. There are glimpses of the faith that once was, I saw that yesterday in going to 10 for Mass. I mean I got my favorite priest (well one of my favorites), smells, bells, and water aka incense, good music, and a sprinkling rite. I want the feeling that I get at and from Mass to last longer than a few hours. I miss the faith I had in college, I miss the trust I had. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

The same as it always does, torture. Not really but it is a pain. I don’t know why I feel like I have to do it alone. I count a select few priests as close friends or close enough to know what is really going on and yet I haven’t really brought any of this to them, not even the one I say was my spirit director in college. 

What is the root question that you are asking? 

The first thing to come to mind is what job, so I go to ministry by taking that leap. Do I stick with teaching even though the more I look at education the worse it gets. Maybe I am looking for confirmation in a decision. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? 

This might be the easiest one to answer. In college things seemed to work out the way I thought they would or I he no problem with them. Then a long time boyfriend never popped the question and I lost that trust in my gut feelings because I was convinced I would be married and have an army of kids. I had that trust and it seems to have gone away. I know God has a plan for me and I know it is better than anything I could ever come up with but deep down that trust isn’t what it used to be. I don’t want to say gone because it’s not gone I just don’t believe in it as much as I used to. 

Come Holy Spirit

The amount of times I have said that simple prayer usually before writing a talk or lesson for RCIA and confirmation. “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and deliver in them the fire of your love.” If my memory serves me right. 

Mother’s Day

I have long had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. 

I’m an aunt so I don’t count. 

I’m a godmother I slightly count and that’s only in Catholic circles and even then it’s an afterthought. 

I mean I get it I’m not a mother nor will I ever be. I guess that’s where the problem lies, I will never be a mother. When I was asked in college what I wanted to be by my then boyfriend (who I assumed would be my husband) I said “a mother” he laughed and basically said no really, what do you want to be. I should have known then that it wouldn’t work out simply by that comment. I was in college at the time and a religious studies major hellbent on the idea that I was called to marriage. I wasn’t called to marriage or motherhood even though my career if you want to call it that has led me to basically being a mother to many children. Don’t get me wrong I understand completely that people need to bring their children to daycare but something is missing when a person who isn’t family spends more time with your kids than you do. I am fully aware rhaf not everyone has the life I did where my mother stayed home. Honestly I don’t care what parent stays home just that one of them stays home in the early formative years. 

So yeah I have a mainly hate relationship with Mother’s Day and always have.  This year more so than usual. I know how lucky I was to have my mother on Earth as long as I did. Doesn’t mean all the ads, texts, and emails aren’t a constant reminder of what was or more importantly of who is not at the table. Do I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering yes, does it make it easier, not really. 

I no longer have to buy a gift, unless you count a flower for the grave. I have never gotten a gift for Mother’s Day, well one of my Goddaughters sends me a card and it’s makes me smile the she and her family consider me a second mother. 

I love my family, I love my aunts, cousins, and my grandmothers. Those grandmothers are long gone, and lived in Ireland so I rarely saw them. Ireland celebrates Mother’s Day in March so I get hit with it twice. I don’t mind it I really don’t. I just want people to realize that not all of have happy Mother’s Days anymore. I don’t have children and I never will so no one will be buying me gifts or celebrating me being a motherly person. 

I just want someone to say this sucks and you’re not alone. Trust me I know I am not as I have said those words to a friend, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Bobby Angel

It always makes me laugh how Bobby’s story hits me almost as much as Fr. Mike’s does. 

I experience a fear of ________

Looking at the story and what I have written in the past holds true still today. I fear not being perfect, of failing, of disappointing someone. I also fear not being connected with someone, I fear that friendship will be rejected. 

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

The fear of not being perfect probably stems from years of competitive Irish step dance. The fear of failing in school and disappointing my parents. I never saw it like that at the time but it’s possible. All fear comes from Satan, God loves His children and doesn’t want us to suffer but He allows it. It’s what my father said to me “what are you going to do when I am gone” it was said with that my daughter has amounted to nothing in his voice. That my choosing religion, teaching or ministry is exactly as they said pointless. It’s never been about the money for me, it’s a nice perk but not what I went into ministry for. 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

I wish I knew. I long thought it was ministry but never really got settled in that. I recently thought it was teaching but now I am not so sure of that either. That word great makes it abound like it needs to be something special  and it doesn’t. I want people to know and love God and His Church. I just wish I knew how to do it better than I do. 

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for His goodness. 

My usual prayer of “take me sinful, sorrowful, and unworthy as I am and make me Yours” comes to mind. Lord, help me to trust You and Your plan for my life. Help me to see what you have planned for my life. Guide me, protect me, keep me safe. 

Scripture to pray with:

Psalm 118:6  “With the Lord on my side I do not fear. What can man do to me?” 

Haggi: 2:5 - “My Spirit abides among you: fear not.

John 16:33 “I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

These are Scripture passages that I don’t really know but the idea of “be not afraid” is in them. Maybe, I probably won’t sit and think about them but maybe at some point I will think of them. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Jackie Angel

 Who am I?

My initial answer was "a child of God" I mean that's the easy answer.  I used to say I was a teacher, long before I would say child of God.  I am willing to admit that to myself and to the select group of friends that won't make sure of me for it.  I guess that's the ultimate questions, who am I, what am I.

What gifts have I received from the Father?

Plenty, normally I go with my ability to public speak, to sing (in the choir, I am not comfortable to bust out on my own), to dance. My life, my gifts and talents, even if I don't acknowledge them or want to acknowledge them. I know the Catholic faith and can pretty much answer most questions tossed at me.  

What activities do I usually use to define myself?

My former job, teaching, then again I always qualified it by acting like what I did wasn't really teaching. I'm a runner, well walker/runner, see even that I qualify. I have done two half marathons and many other races yet I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  I use the things I like to define myself. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved Child of God?

Myself, God's not going to give up on me no matter how hard I make it.   I don't know if I have issues seeing myself as a child of God, maybe there are issues with beloved, but not being one of His.  That's my usual response to the odd inclinations of not wanting to go to Mass, I am His, and I am not leaving Him and His Church.  Maybe I just don't see it fully. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not?

Sometimes, it stems from real life, not that God is imaginary, it just stems from knowing that my earthly father loves, but that at times it doesn't seem that way.  

Take It to Prayer: I am willed, I am loved, and I am necessary.  My God, help me to believe this.

You are a beloved Child of God. I can never lose the love of God not matter what. "Each of us is the result of a thought of God," Pope Benedict XVI asserted. "Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." 

This is a question I don't seem to struggle with as much as the what are you seeking one.  I guess I've come to terms with being God's child.  The idea of being necessary is probably the hardest, who really needs me, I'm not anyone's mother or caregiver.  I know people would miss me if I died, but  I am not necessary to any of them carrying on with their lives.  

Half crazy

You all see the nut job who did a half marathon, I kind of see her. What I really see is that chunky mid section. I don’t see the person who ran approximately 80 mins of those 202 minutes it took to finish. I see the 8 to 10 minute mile from high school that is now doubled. I see the teen who took no notice of running a mile who can now barely run a quarter mile without having to walk. I don’t see the ACL scar from the fall that helped to slow me down and add some of the extra weight. Don’t worry you can’t see it either, my surgeon was very particular about making sure my scar wasn’t huge. While I love them I don’t see the giant claves that came from all those years of Irish dance and track. I don’t see the legs that danced on Carnegie Hall’s stage multiple times.  I don’t see the weirdo who has now done two half marathons and shaved 20 mins off that first half. I see what I was and what I want to be. 

Should I see the crazy lady who did 13.1 miles yes, yes I should but I don’t.

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Fr. Mike Schmitz

I feel like I am taking a step back in time with this whole discernment thing. Two years ago I was questioning all my activities with the Church and beginning the process of leaving crazy day care number one. I’m now officially out of day care number which I thought would be better but was actually worse. I’m out of there for doing the right thing and I know that because I would do it again. 

Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything. 

The questions: (from the introduction)

Lord, what do You want me to do?

I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones.  Now all I feel is lost and confused.  I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.  

Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?

Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing.  If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not.  Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words.  I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.  

Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work? 

I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have.  I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest.  Sadly, now one would have questioned that.  I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money.  I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43,  I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans. 

Do you trust in His plan?

This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep. 

Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead? 

This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things,  I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.  

The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:

What are you seeking?

I wish I knew.  I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness.  I want to know what God is actually calling me to.  Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry.  I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get.  I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that.  I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing. 

What are you looking for?

I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for.  Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others.  I guess I am looking for where I should be. 

What is the cry of your heart?

To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people. 

What excites you about life?

Honestly, right now nothing.  I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen.  Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest. 

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

It was work, even though I hated it.  I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word.  Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it. 

What is weighing on your mind?

That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do.  That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away. 

What are you avoiding?

In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things.  Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of. 

What are you trying to bury deep?

Everything.  I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't.  Nothing has been the same over the past three years.  I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.  

What are you wrestling with?

Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.  

What are you willing to sacrifice for? 

I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.

How do you define a great life?

My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money. 

What are you seeking? 

Holiness, why did that just pop into my head.  I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking.  I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do. 

What purpose has God put on your heart?

I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry. 

Do you even believe that you have a purpose?

The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.  

The reflection questions:

What am I seeking?

This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer.  I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up. 

What is weighing on my mind and heart?

Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy.  I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore.  I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants. 

When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?

I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43.  I regret things already, do I really need to add to it.  I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me. 

What matters most to me? 

I would say family, but it's not.  I could say faith, but I don't know about that either.  I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know.  My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.

I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things.  I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right.  No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it.  I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way.