Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 2 Search and Discern refection 1 aka Fr. Mike

Fr Mike Schmitz mentions the question "What do you want me to do?" about his own discernment and I laugh because that is my question too. I looked back at the reflection from three months ago and laughed as it was all about stepping away from St. Anthony's. The vicar leaving was the catalyst for me to say, you know what I need a break, I need to step away, even if it's to show myself all that I did for free. Don't get me wrong I loved my ministries here, but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again. 

God's timing is not my timing. I did not want my vicar to leave, but he needed to and he seems very happy in the new parish. I am blessed to have a newly ordained priest as my new vicar. I met him while he was a seminarian when the best friend who is now a priest was in the seminary. I am really happy he is here and he's great I just wish he arrived under different circumstances. I have said many times that I see myself in the former vicar, and I still do. I will forever be grateful that God send him here when He did. Perfect example of God's timing, when the former vicar arrived I was like who the heck is this and was weirded out by him, but there was something about how he said Mass that just spoke to me, not the homilies at first. Those props still went to Fr. Ray at the time, how the roles switched at the end. In the end I found another priest that became a friend. There is an unspoken connection with the deaths of our mothers, but the longing to be home; him Poland, me Ireland is the same. Two old souls in a modern world. In God's time we became friends, so if God can work with us two crazies to become friends He can work with me an anything. 

Fr. Mike mentions how discernment should be defined as "to agonize or wrestle with" and is that true. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I am wrestling with a decision that I know deep down but don't necessarily want to admit. The questions "what are you looking for?" And "what decision is weighing on you?" And "what is preoccupying your mind and heart?" The what am looking for is still "an answer to what do you want me to do?" Hence why I laughed when Fr. Mike mentioned it. The decision that is weighing on me is what job/career/vocation is mine. Do I want to stay teaching, do I make the jump to a regular school, do I go to ministry. Which one is it? Like stepping away from St. Anthony's the decision to leave where I work is pretty much settled, it's a matter of when. When do I want to leave my comfort zone. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

It seems to come and go every few months. I pick up the boom or something happens at work that just pushes me the wrong way and I make an emotional decision. It literally feels like I am being pulled in two directions. Teaching or ministry, while I know I can do both I question which one is it. 

What is the 'root' question that you are asking? Where does God want me, what does He want me to do. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? I think it's more fear of the unknown of not being in control of everything. I need to "let go and Let God" as the saying from high school goes. I feel like I trust God but do I really or am I being scrupulous in everything except getting my lazy self to confession. Am I scared of the answer or of what God actually wants me to do? 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry Chapter 1, Reflection 3

So I realized that there are three reflections per chapter, which makes sense as there are five chapters. So this reflection is on over coming fear and man did the whole thing speak to me. Fear of the unknown has long been my biggest or most prominent fear. I like being in control and knowing what is going to happen. However when I read the section again the unknown was not one of the fears I listed. The questions at the end of the section are: 

I experience a fear of__________.

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for his goodness. 

When I reread this section the fears I listed off were failure, disappointment, and not being perfect. It's odd that death and the unknown didn't even come to mind this time. It's not so much death that scares me as not knowing what will happen. Guess that's the over arching fear leading to failure and disappointment too. I will never be perfect so I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect but I am definitely a perfectionist.  For the longest time I believed in my "gut feelings" as they were usually spot on and then a Dark Night entered or rather I entered a dark night and I began to question that feeling, but it seems like I should usually trust it. I guess the fear of failure comes from me not being the best at what I have done, being fired, or being asked not to return. It's like I have been allowed to get away with stuff and then it comes back to bite me. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself and others and that stems from multiple failed interviews or thinking I was called to one thing and it being another. Being a perfectionist just seems to be my way, I know the things I am good at and I can do them well so when I mess up it drives me crazy. 

 

I have thought I have been called to ministry for a long time, but I can never seem to find the right ministry job. I am a procrastinator and therefore probably send my resume to places when it's too late but I always feel it's worth a shot. I am so torn between staying as an early childhood teacher and jumping to an actual school or going to full time ministry. I could send my resume to places outside the NY area but I don't know if I want to be that far away from my family. 

Trusting God is my big issue I claim that I do trust Him, but do I really trust in what He has planned for me. Why do I think I know better than He does. I know God works in His own time and with us so there is no sense in looking back and saying "what could have been?" At Mass this morning/afternoon I got to watch my best friend concelebrate with the guy who was his master of ceremonies two years ago. The joy I felt at seeing them is what I want to feel all time. 

Lord, guide me, protect me, keep me safe... That's the prayer I usually say before driving somewhere, I trust that God will keep me safe when traveling so why can't I trust that He will provide in all the other areas of my life. Momma Mary on this the feast of your Assumption help me to trust your son's plan for me. 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry! Chapter 1 Reflection 2

I underlined a whole bunch of things in this chapter, but I feel like that will be the case no matter what with most of these chapters. 

1. Who am I? Writing, well typing out who I am is weird because my initial thought was I am a child of God, but so often I forget that. I am a 41 year old woman who still lives at home and most people would scoff at that. When asked for bios on sites like Twitter and Instagram I would say I am a toddler teacher, reader, wannabe runner, a Mets fan, and Catholic. I don't stick Catholic on the end as an after thought as I feel that is what defines me or I wish that was what defined me. 

2. What gifts have I received from the Father? Interesting that it's Pentecost that I finally decided to sit down and answer these questions. I always start with my life, and then my talents. In high school that would have been my dancing, now I would say it's my ability to carry a tune. I don't like singing by myself in front of others, but stick me in a choir and I am all for it. I miss choir, stupid pandemic keeping us away from each other. Right now I want to say my ability to befriend priests, it's what is making my wanting to go to Confession hard. The vicar has hit the point where I don't know if I want to go to him, because we are friendly, not for any other reason. When asked about gifts I would say I don't have any, but I do. I don't mind talking in front of a group of people, but I hate small talk, unless I know and like you. I can care for 6 little one and two year olds by myself and manage to have them make it through the day usually unscathed. 

What activities do I usually use to define myself? Work, I always say teacher, but qualify it by saying toddler teacher because most people don't see me as an actual teacher. Mass goer, as that is the only other activity besides work that I go to. Walker, I want to walk more, actually I want to run. Irish sports fan, and baseball fan, I do love certain sports. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved child of God? Trust. I think I do see myself as God's but it takes a backseat. As I have started to watch it more and more I think of the first episode of the Chosen and the line you are mine. It's not a new line or a new idea it just brings the first home that I am God's. I usually pray "I am Yours, do with me as You want" at the offertory at Mass. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not? I am going to say no, because I have a decent relationship with my own father. I do lean more towards Jesus and Mary than I do on God the Father. So maybe I do struggle with seeing Him as a loving Father. Maybe I just simply struggle with seeing Him as a Father. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 1 Reflection 1

 I'm too lazy to go find a notebook and write these down, so the next best thing is a blog no one reads. 

Fr. Mike Schmitz's first question is also a Jesus question "what are you looking for?" The quick answer is an answer to my questions "Where do You want me?" and "What do You have planned for me?" I'm looking for answers and a confirmation of my decision to step away from ministry, even though I know I won't actually be stepping away if a few certain priests ask for help.  I'm so over the tension at St. Anthony's and maybe I just need to type up how I feel about that and some answers will appear.  I have become friends with the vicar as I call him, but long before that finally happened, I saw myself in him.  We are similar in many ways. In a way I am looking for a new home, a new church.  The last time I was looking for a job, I wasn't ready to leave St. Anthony's, I am now.  I'm still not ready to leave New Jersey as I can't imagine what it would have been like to be States and miles away when mom died. In a way I haven't properly mourned or grieved over that either.  She died and two weeks later the world shut down in a pandemic that's still going on.  

Fr. Mike asks "What purpose has God put on your heart? Do you even believe you have a purpose? Take some honest time to reflect on your life thus far. What is stirring in your imagination and in your heart?" As I read Fr. Mike's reflection, I saw myself in the I just want to help people.  I think now I also want to listen to people, I want to bring people to the Catholic Church, I want to pass on the faith, but I also love what I do, I really do love caring for the kids I have, they may drive me crazy, but I do love them.  This is why I am torn, every time I have gone towards paid ministry I end up doing something else.  I have a degree in Religion, minors in Catholic Studies and Latin, and a certificate in Evangelization, along with some credits towards my Masters of Theology.  Do I want to teach or do I want to minister or do I find a way to do both?  I do believe I have a purpose, for a while I thought it was to be a mother, but that's not going to happen, as it looks like a vocation to the single life is for me, it is what it is.  I feel I have found another vocation in being a friend to priests, granted that came from Charlie being ordained.  It's weird, I still see and think of him as Charlie, the friend vs. a priest, so many times I forget he is actually a priest, but he is one and I made it happen.  With the vicar, he's a priest who has become a friend, he will always be priest first then friend, Charlie is the opposite, friend first, then priest.  If I look at my life the only times besides retail that I have stayed in a job are teaching.  Do I go back to high school religion, I don't want the grades, I want to teach with out the issues of administration being there.  Do I look towards this new ministry of Catechist, it's not new, but it's different.  So yes I have a purpose and I thought I knew it, but I'm not sure now. Hence why I am reading a book on discernment.  

"honest time" is sitting here just typing words on honest reflection, am I becoming scrupulous, I am a perfectionist to an extent. I think my decision to step down from RCIA, and Confirmation is settled I am just looking for someone to say, yes you need to step away.  I think the vicar's situation is the catalyst I needed to say I need to step back and take time for myself.  I have felt as if confirmation preparation was pointless for many years.  All the way back to when we were doing the retreats, but I always said if one kid got something out of it, then it was worth all the heartache, I don't know if I feel that way anymore.  This is what it's like to be in my head, it's crazy I jump from place to place and idea to idea.  You'd think after all these years I'd know how to deal with myself.  I have long been a proponent of trusting my gut, but I lost that a long time ago when the Dark Night (I have been looking at too many Mets stories about Matt Harvey as I nearly typed Dark Knight, more on that man later) began to creep in.  I wish for things to happen and when they don't I don't know how to feel other than my imagination can be fairly active.  I think I use my walks and act like I am talking to another person just to get the thoughts out of or into or understood in my head. 

Am I making a difference, does what I do really matter, those are the two questions that came to mind when I was out walking yesterday. I was trying to get inside my head and in many ways I need to get out of my head.  

The reflection questions at the end of the chapter. 

1. What am I seeking? Honestly, I don't know.  The vicar in his homily today spoke about going above our wants and expectations and how when we do we are ascending and getting closer to our Great ascension to Heaven.  He asked some questions about being comfortable, financially stable, and in good health. I often say he and I are alike, good health made me laugh and cry as both his mother and mine died from cancer within two months of each other. Yet he put aside his grief to comfort me.  There is no way to describe that hug from him on Ash Wednesday in 2020, it was friendship, and I totally know what you are feeling all rolled into one.  Financially stable made me laugh as I have always worked for the Church, a school or in retail, none of which really pay a living wage. But it made me think, that other than being comfortable that I am honestly ok with the others not being 100% for me. I am at the age where health is going to decline anyway.  So what am I seeking, am I running from something, or just waiting for the neon sign that won't come.  I guess I am seeking answers or trying to find away to bring people to the Church, to actually pass on the Traditions and Teachings of the Church. 

2. What is weighting on my mind and heart? Right now it's the situation at the parish, I want that confirmation of "yes, you stepping away is what I want you to do" When I was looking at jobs it was oh no what will St. Anthony's do without me, now I'm at the point that I don't care what happens at the parish.  The vicar's decision seems to be my own catalyst to say, I am done.  I don't like disappointing people or change it's why I stay with something even if I don't like it. I like my routine and knowing what to expect.  The element of the unknown with interviews just doesn't appeal to me. 

3. When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing? I want to be able to say I followed God's will for my life.  I don't that I didn't do the best with that.  I want to bring people to the Church, and I most likely will never see that end result.  I want to be happy and joyful, I don't seem to have either at the moment. 

4. What matters most to me? I feel like my answer is yet again I don't know.  I am stuck in a rut, a dark night of sorts and I can't seem to get out of it. I want to say my faith and my family, but honestly I don't know if either one is up there at the moment. 

I can so confused, so tired and I just want the neon sign, but I know that's not how things work.