Fr Mike Schmitz mentions the question "What do you want me to do?" about his own discernment and I laugh because that is my question too. I looked back at the reflection from three months ago and laughed as it was all about stepping away from St. Anthony's. The vicar leaving was the catalyst for me to say, you know what I need a break, I need to step away, even if it's to show myself all that I did for free. Don't get me wrong I loved my ministries here, but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again.
God's timing is not my timing. I did not want my vicar to leave, but he needed to and he seems very happy in the new parish. I am blessed to have a newly ordained priest as my new vicar. I met him while he was a seminarian when the best friend who is now a priest was in the seminary. I am really happy he is here and he's great I just wish he arrived under different circumstances. I have said many times that I see myself in the former vicar, and I still do. I will forever be grateful that God send him here when He did. Perfect example of God's timing, when the former vicar arrived I was like who the heck is this and was weirded out by him, but there was something about how he said Mass that just spoke to me, not the homilies at first. Those props still went to Fr. Ray at the time, how the roles switched at the end. In the end I found another priest that became a friend. There is an unspoken connection with the deaths of our mothers, but the longing to be home; him Poland, me Ireland is the same. Two old souls in a modern world. In God's time we became friends, so if God can work with us two crazies to become friends He can work with me an anything.
Fr. Mike mentions how discernment should be defined as "to agonize or wrestle with" and is that true. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I am wrestling with a decision that I know deep down but don't necessarily want to admit. The questions "what are you looking for?" And "what decision is weighing on you?" And "what is preoccupying your mind and heart?" The what am looking for is still "an answer to what do you want me to do?" Hence why I laughed when Fr. Mike mentioned it. The decision that is weighing on me is what job/career/vocation is mine. Do I want to stay teaching, do I make the jump to a regular school, do I go to ministry. Which one is it? Like stepping away from St. Anthony's the decision to leave where I work is pretty much settled, it's a matter of when. When do I want to leave my comfort zone.
It seems to come and go every few months. I pick up the boom or something happens at work that just pushes me the wrong way and I make an emotional decision. It literally feels like I am being pulled in two directions. Teaching or ministry, while I know I can do both I question which one is it.
What is the 'root' question that you are asking? Where does God want me, what does He want me to do.
If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? I think it's more fear of the unknown of not being in control of everything. I need to "let go and Let God" as the saying from high school goes. I feel like I trust God but do I really or am I being scrupulous in everything except getting my lazy self to confession. Am I scared of the answer or of what God actually wants me to do?
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