Oh my Sweet Jesus, how wonderful You are.

*update* Like I said nothing was/is official, the lady who was getting the ticket told them no, that she didn't need the ticket, so now it's all up in the air, but if God wants me there He'll get me there. *update*

I can't even put into words what just happened. My parish had it's liturgy committee meeting tonight and at the end we sit and have cake and talk about life. Fr. George, our pastor, went upstairs to check his messages before retiring the for evening. I'm standing downstairs where the meeting was and I hear Fr. George saying "blah blah, Mary Woolley... Mary you still here?" Yes I am was my response. The following "conversation: takes place on"I have a woman on the phone who has a ticket for Mass on Sunday, you'd have to make your own way into the city, are you interested." Well my response was YES!

As Fr. George put it, "I guess the Good Lord wanted you there." I said I guess so. I was joking around in my twisted little head yesterday about being on 5th Avenue and having Cardinal Egan stop the motorcade so he could get out and hand pick me to go to Dunwoodie for the Youth Rally, and I'd get to meet the Pope. Nothing more than a nice little day dream that I had well thought out, little did I expect this.

The sheer happiness that is running through my body now is indescribable. I liken it to the time when we came out of the Scavi tour at St. Peter's in Rome and not one of us (college students) could figure out a way to thank the priest who ran the class, because we know that many English speaking tours were hard to come by. The more I think about the idea of being at Mass with the Pope, the bigger my smile is, the tears come to mind. Even Fr. George sounded excited for me, which is awesome, because I was beginning to think he and I were not on the same page on things.

It won't be official until I actually get my ticket, but the woman didn't want to let the opportunity pass by, so I have to call her in the morning to finalize everything. What I can make if it, is that her daughter who happens to be in the NYPD must have had the ticket or gotten the ticket and I think may have to work now, or she works around Yankee Stadium. They will need my drivers license and social security number to do my background check. Thank God I'm clean. ;)

Fr. Brian told us yesterday at Mass about how he felt like Charlie from Willie Wonka when he got his golden ticket to say Mass with the Pope. I had an ear to ear grin on my face because he "was like a little kid" when he opened the letter and literally saw a gold ticket for Mass with the Pope and he showed it. The joy on his face was enough to light up the whole Church let alone a room, I dare say my story will trump his.

So by the grace of God and the wonderfulness of the Holy Spirit I will be at Mass with the Holy Father on Sunday. He is the only person I would set foot inside Yankee Stadium for.

Popey's visit!

Let me preface with where "Popey" came from... My friend Bridget's is from a huge family (she the youngest of 16), and when JP2 came to Newark, her family living literally blocks from the Cathedral Basilica walked over to stand and see the Pope as he passed. I'm not sure but I think it was one of the young nephews at the time who instead of saying Pope, was saying Popey's coming." As a result from this incident in 1995 we started to call JP2, POPEY on one of our World Youth Day trips and it stuck and has carried on to the current Holy Father.

Now onto your regularly scheduled blog.

Why is it that the first article I read in the Bergen Record about the pope's visit starts out with "Yvette Cid is a 52-year-old widow and a practicing Catholic. She also is a lesbian who doesn't want to leave the church." Why they point out that this woman is a lesbian is beyond me, they make no mention of her being a practicing lesbian, but I assume they would like you to assume she is. The Church has no issues with a person being "homosexual" they like a "heterosexual" are called to live a life of celibacy until they are married and well since "homosexual" can't get married they are called to the single life. They are allowed to be Catholic, there is nothing stopping them.

The next paragraph begins with this "As a practicing gay Catholic, Cid is unusual. But her willingness to rely on her conscience, rather than church teachings, is increasingly typical of American Catholics." This statement is disturbing because the reporter is implying that the woman's conscience differs from the Church's teachings. Before this statement is, "The pope and the bishops, they follow the old way, and I understand that," Cid said in a recent interview. "But that doesn't mean I have to leave my faith because I disagree." Well, I'm glad the Pope and the Bishops follow the old way, they are following in the steps of the Apostles, considering that whole Apostolic succession thing, they are teaching Jesus' teachings.

The next section goes on the give some "facts about American Catholics" and it seems like a bunch of gobbledygook to me, but I will go back and try to figure out what the reporter is trying to say.

Following that section is the statement"Pope Benedict, who will arrive Tuesday in Washington, D.C., and travel to New York City on Friday, has a reputation from his days as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as an enforcer of church orthodoxy." I want to know what the heck "enforcer of church orthodoxy" means. I remember 3 years ago sitting on the bed screaming and crying "OH MY GOD THEY PICKED RATZINGER!!!!!" I was extremely happy because I knew nothing would change, the media would treat him like this vicious holier than thou man, and I knew he was no different than JP2. JP2 had the charisma to make the room jump, and the media loved him, but he taught Church teaching the same way Pappa B16 does.

Thinking about it, I find it strangely amusing that my parish is having a "Latin Mass" on Saturday, the 3 year anniversary of Pappa B16's election. I however as much as I would love to be at the Latin Mass have decided it's worth the trip to NYC to wait to see the pope mobile drive past me. As I've said, I can go to the Latin Mass whenever I want, how many times is the Pope going to be in my country and so close. I can never understand why people assume it was Cardinal Ratzinger making the rules or why they blame the Pope for the teachings they don't like. I've said it before, Jesus pissed people off, He got them thinking, He got them angry, He died because people were bothered by Him. It is no different today, the Vicar of Christ is going to say stuff to annoy you if you don't agree with him, the same way that the Clintons and Mr. Obama annoy the hell out of them whenever they open their big mouths.

The next section of the article finds and old person and a young person, a 75 year old woman and a young lady who is a senior in high school. Nothing like covering your bases and getting the middle aged woman who is in the Church but disagrees with and then finding the classic little old church lady and the Catholic high school student.

This sentence/paragraph amused me greatly "His words will be scrutinized carefully." Yes the Pope's words will be greatly scrutinized by you the media, because those of us who have no issues with the Church tend to agree with what he has to say.

What follows next is more gobbledygook to me, people trying to sound smart but it's not working. "Liberal Catholics say they hope that the pope adopts a pastoral approach that emphasizes dialogue, reconciliation and social justice." The terms liberal and Catholic should never go together. The Pope is a pastor, so that would imply that he had a pastoral approach, and I don't know what they want to dialog about, be reconciled with/for, and goodness knows I hate the term social justice. I had to teach a class called social justice and it was the stupidest class every, it should have been called. "The Works of Mercy" but again that's the old version, not this now enlightened version we have today.

Next in the article are two I want to say opposite statements from people, one from "a Midland Park resident and a retired theology professor at Marymount College." I don't know why we need to know where this woman lives, but she says, "I would hope that he would come pointing out that one out of three people globally live on less than a dollar a day and our church needs to respond to that," and "I hope he encourages the American church to be a pastoral, communal church." Why would the Pope come to tell us that one out of 3 people globally live on less than a dollar a day, we see plenty of the "save the starving children" commercials to tell us that, and if people paid attention to their "Operation Rice Bowls handouts, they would know that too. The Pope doesn't need to come and tell us what's going on in the world, he's here to tell us Catholics what to do in areas of faith and morals, and yes he'll tell us to take care of the poor, but we need to care for the poor at home too.

Next you find these statements, "A Hillsdale man who is more conservative said that the church has gotten off-track during the last several decades, and that the pope should strive to bring people back to the basics of the faith. 'There is this concept that some Catholics have that if you don't think something is wrong, then it's not wrong,"' Philip Krey said. Wonder what statement I agree with. I don't think it's the Pope's job to bring America back to the fold, that the job of the priests and bishops who are in the country. While the Pope is the Vicar of Christ, he's not Jesus so therefore can't be everywhere, and even if he did bring the American Church back to the glory of the olden days, someone would have an issue with it.

Apparently the only thing that happens in the Church is clergy abuse and the scandal that followed. Last time I checked that was 6 years ago, seriously, it sucked it was a black eye for the Church, but do you need to bring it up every time a prominent Catholic comes to visit. There's a decline in priests because people don't want their children to be "religious: more emphasis is placed on carrying on the family name than calls to vocations. I've said many times if God places the right man in my life and we get married, and I have all sons, I'll gladly foster any vocations, and God can take them all into the priesthood. I know I'm not normal, in the last 6 months 2 priest have called me crazy on separate occasions, one because my friends are married and have more than one child, actually most of them have 2 kids, and the other priest called me "the good kind of crazy, our crazy" I consider both of my parents to be good devout Catholics but I don't remember them fostering vocations or talking about vocations to their children. I don't even remember the sisters who ran my grammar school talking about vocations and they wonder why their numbers are low. Such an emphasis is placed on the decline of priests, and that is because you don't see priests on TV, unless you watch EWTN and if you're watching EWTN, you likely have your head screwed on correctly. ;) When I happen to catch Bishop Sheen's show on EWTN I sit and watch it, and Bishop Sheen died 2 days before I was born and his show captures me, meaning that if one speaks the truth of the Church that it is timeless.

The article goes on the mention the dewindling numbers of Catholics and mentions two parishes in the area, Church of the Presentation in Upper Saddle River, and St. Mary's in Pompton Lakes. Now I know of both parishes, I'm not a 100% sure on Presentation now but when I was church hopping they seemed to have a decent young adult ministry program, and I have yet to hear any bad comments about them, St. Mary's on the other hand I have countless stories on, and I have heard that it's getting better, but when the "not so conservative" complain about the parish you know it can't be good. I don't mind the paper quoting the pastor of Presentation, but my thoughts on St. Mary's were, "of course you'd pick the most liberal Church in the area to be quoted." These two parishes are the largest in the area. I know Presentation get a good few young adults and young people into it, again I'm not 100% sure on what happens as I haven't been there in quite a while. St. Mary's and the dealings I have had with staff members, scared me, to the point where I with a lowly BA would have to correct the person with the Masters and a good few years of experience and of course that was not liked.

There's a quote from one of the Jesuits at St. Peter's in Jersey City, this priest says, "I think he should gather people together, Catholic intellectuals and laypeople, sit down for a couple of hours and say, 'Tell me the truth.' " The Pope doesn't need to sit with the layity to hear the truth, he teaches the truth, he's not stupid he knows what's going on in America and in it's churches. It not like all of a sudden Cardinal Ratzinger magically forget everything when he became Pope, give the man some credit. Of course I wonder what type of lay people this Jesuit wants to have sit with the Pope, I know they wouldn't invite me, simply because I would agree with the Pope.

The article when mentioning the two largest parishes in the area also mentions that laypeople are actively leading many aspects of parish life. This would be why so many people are so damn confused when it comes to the Catholic Church. As a woman who has worked for and would love to work for the Church again, I can see that laypeople don't always know what they are doing. The priest at St. Mary's is worried about a return of clericalism, does that mean he's afraid that he's going to have to do more work that as a priest he should already be doing. Just because you think you found the right lay person means that your off duty Father, come on, you're a priest it's not a 9-5 job and you should have known that when you got into it.

The article mentions of all things the Pope telling the Bishops to tell their priest and deacons that they need to purify the sacred vessels or as the put it, "the special policy that allowed laypeople to clean chalices used during Communion." Do I dare say that Extraordinary Ministers of the Holy Eucharist are not supposed to be the ordinary ministers, but the priests are, I mean that's true. My parish has the priests and deacons purify the sacred vessels, and then the laity "cleans" them, normally at the Mass I attend it ends up being me, and people look at me like I'm nuts when I slowly wash them and take my time putting them away. Hello, these are the vessels that hold Jesus in them or have your forgotten that too.

The article closes by mentioning that the Pope has not said what he's going to say when he comes to the US other than he is coming to preach the Gospel. Guess what, that's what Jesus did too, do you think Jesus knew weeks in advance what He was going to say to his disciples, no He probably didn't, so if God didn't work that way, why expect a simple human to be any different.

Of course the article couldn't officially close without mentioning Yvette Cid, the lesiban from the beginning of the article and she says she's interested in what the "pope has to say---up to a point." Well what do you expect, most people are interested in what the Pope has to say up to a point, most people just don't want to hear it.

This is the last statement in the article, "God is about love, and that's how I look at it," she said. "If I am going to get condemned on my Judgment Day, all I can do is turn around and say, 'I loved another human being.' " This was said by Ms. Cid. Yes God is love, and that is how we are supposed to look at it, I seem to remember an encyclical titled God is Love written by a Pope Benedict, so she might be on to something there, but nothing the Church hasn't already said. No one speaks of Purgatory anymore, who says you'll be condemned, I know my ass will be in Purgatory with the flames of Hell licking my ass purifying me for Heaven. Jesus did tell us to be perfect as you're Heavenly Father, but God's smart and knows that we're not perfect, and He offers us countless chances to return and repent for what we have done. God is Love and He doesn't want to see His children in Hell, He wants them with Him, so He will do what He can to bring them all home, like any good father would do.

What follows here is the part of the article that I said I would have to go back and read again to try and figure out what they were trying to say. I'm going to add that in here, but blog about it later. It is 1:15am and I do have to be at work at 7am, and I need to be functioning to take care of a 2 year old and 4 year old. ;)

So here is what the article says, and my comments will follow:

When Pope Benedict XVI makes his first papal visit this week to the United States, the 80-year-old prelate will face an American flock that has become increasingly resistant to Vatican authority, especially on the church's human sexuality teachings.

Indeed, the percentage of Catholics who regard church leaders as the final authority on abortion, homosexual behavior and non-marital sex declined from one in three in 1987 to one in four in 2005, according to surveys prepared by Catholic scholars and administered by the Gallup Organization.

That doesn't mean, however, that American Catholics are rejecting their faith. The surveys also show that large percentages of Catholics agree that the most important teachings include helping the poor, Jesus' resurrection, the sacraments and Mary as mother of God.

"They aren't just rebelling," said William V. D'Antonio, one of authors of the book "American Catholics Today," which examines how Catholics have changed during the course of several decades.

One of the more striking findings, D'Antonio said, was that support for church leaders on sexual issues declined among older Catholics — those born before 1940, who generally have high levels of commitment to their faith.

"They may have grandchildren or grandnieces and nephews who have come out as gay," D'Antonio said. "And what they are now saying on some of these teachings is: 'Our lived experience doesn't support the teaching.' "

With a name like Planned Parenthood, you'd think they cared....

I got these numbers from Rock for Life, I trust them, and they are asking people to blog about it, so here I go. Planned Parenthood, PP, has sent out their numbers for the year...

Planned Parenthood releases Annual Report

Planned Parenthood Federation of America has just released its 2006-2007 Annual Report. The report reveals the following about PP:

· It killed 289,750 preborn babies (24,807 more than last year).

· Its total revenue was $1.12 billion and its total profit was $114.8 million:

o $356.9 million in clinic income (an increase of $11.8 million)

o $258.7 million from private donations (an increase of $46.5 million)

o $336.7 million from taxpayers (an increase of $31.4 million)

· It made only 2,410 adoption referrals – a decrease of three from last year and a ratio of one adoption to every 120 abortions.

In effect, $114 million of taxpayer money went right into PP’s savings account. It is clear that PP does not need all of this money. Taxpayer money represents 33 percent of PP’s income. We must stop the flow of government money into the hands of this baby-killing business. Sign the petition at StopPlannedParenthoodTaxFunding.com to demand that PP does not receive any more money from our pockets.

Action! Action!

We encourage you to spread the truth about Planned Parenthood, whether through a letter to the editor of your local newspaper, a blog posting or a MySpace bulletin/Facebook note. Feel free to use any information from the archive of STOPP Reports, but make sure to hit on the following talking points:

· One out of every four abortions is committed in a PP facility.

· PP refers one baby for adoption for every 120 babies it murders.

· PP has total assets of $1.12 billion.

· Taxpayers gave PP $336.7 million in 2006 (an increase of $31.4 million from 2005).

· PP put $114 million of taxpayer money right into its savings account.

· Taxpayer money represents 33 percent of PP’s income.

· PP’s total profit doubled from 2005 to 2006. In 2006, it had a profit of $114.8 million.

My church's youth group is having a garage sale on Sunday, and I'll be wearing my Rock for Life sweatshirt with my PP Kills Babies shirt underneath. I have Confirmation students who keep trying to tell me that PP is a pregnancy center, I told one girl no they make millions by providing abortions, they don't care about pregnancy. A pregnancy resource center cares about the woman who is pregnant and tries to help her. Last week my Confirmation students walked diapers over to the local pregnancy recourse center in town and the director and I had a nice discussion about what the parish can do for them.

Cornerstone retreat

So this past Friday night and all day and night Saturday was my parish's women's cornerstone retreat. I don't know what to think of it. It was a retreat and a decent one at that, I just hear the words "you're beyond it" played over and over in my head. See last year MaryKay, my parish's pastoral associate told be point blank to not go on the retreat because "you're beyond it" so that made the tugging on my heart take a backseat until it rolled around this year and I said at the last possible minute I'm gonna go. After all it's a retreat, even it's one of the worst retreats I've been on, at least I can help them market it to my age group, bottom line a retreat is a retreat, you almost always get something out of it.

Not knowing what to expect except a lot of familiar faces from the "older" members of the church, I was honestly quite nervous about going. Interestingly enough all the candidates had a similar feeling. It being a women's retreat and with all the hormones in the room, it made for a weepy weekend. It was a roller coaster of emotions with all the witness talks, the Sacrament of Confession, and having one of the candidates mother die while we were on retreat. (Her mom was sick and in the process of dying and would have been 90 in September, so it was expected, but still caused a bunch of emotions in everyone else who didn't know about it.)

Typical of the "whoo-hoo Jesus loves me" retreats there was plenty of reassuring that Faith and God will help you through your life and what not. Also typical of these retreats are letters from home or in our case the parish, and knickknacks to remind you of the talks. I've never really been a big fan of these types of retreats and it was honestly hard for me to be in candidate mode vs. team member. Fr. Brian, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite priests, even told me to not use that as an excuse. Fr. Brian plays a big part in the weekend for me, but more on him later. Cornerstone follows the traditional route of a SEARCH retreat or at least that it reminded me of. So my thoughts were going to be loving yet critical, yet critical isn't the right word, because it has such a negative stereotype around it.

My thoughts are going to seem scattered and that's because they are, but I might as well start from the beginning. Cornerstone is marketed to the women of the parish, via announcements at Mass, and by some members of team giving a 2 minute talk on it at the Masses about a month before the actual retreat. Needless to say it wasn't the marketing strategy that won me over to go on the retreat, the constant reminder of it might have helped. As it was I waited until the last possible moment to hand my form it. Actually my dad handed it in to the rectory and somehow it was placed in the wrong box and by chance they, the team, found it the Thursday before the retreat. I don't ask, I just chalk that one up to a bit of some spiritual warfare, and I'll leave it at that, with God winning as usual.

So the time came to go on the actual retreat which takes place at the parish, well in the school. Thankfully we have a youth ministry room which is across the hall from the cafeteria, and a gym. The youth room offered itself as the actual retreat room where all the talks, small group sharing and large group discussion took place. In my humble opinion it was too much time spent in such a small room, well it's not small, but it's not as massive as a gym either. I didn't understand why they had the sound system set up for the talks, I have yet to use a microphone in that room, and everyone seemed to hear me just fine. So I think we could do without the microphone, it would also allow for more animation from the speaker. Seeing as they were constantly adjusting it, I don't see a need for it, but that's just me.

In doing as many retreats as I have for as long as I have, my brain went right to how can I make this better. Yes as Fr. Brian and I discussed I am a perfectionist, and I have to be right all the time, it's a fault and well I'm working on it. The witness talks, while good seemed to have two personalities, those that practiced and those that didn't. For someone who is as well versed in public speaking as I am, I tend to notice things like transitions, speed of speech, and well other little things like that. This is something I can help out with should I "discern" to be on team. Each witness talk picks a song, and they were all classic cheesey songs, even the theme song was cheesey. I know I've been graced with an array of Christian music artists, but I also know how to take a secular song by a band like U2 and give it a Christian meaning, actually I would just take most of Matt Maher's works and use them. He is wickedly talented, and Catholic! I walked in to hear a song we used when I was in high school a good 11 years ago, and that amused me and I pointed out that the last time I heard it in that particular room was when I was in high school, that comment wasn't appreciated by some, but oh well.

The food was AMAZING, it was all home cooked meals, so suffice to say that I've never had food like that on a retreat before, that is reason enough to come back. Cornerstone is one of those retreats you only go on once, so if you're coming back it's on team, and Lord knows they make up enough positions to accommodate everyone. The retreat itself was pretty decent, it was just the little things that got to me, and those are things that if fixed will only make the retreat better. Like I said it's a typical "Jesus loves me" retreat, and while I would have loved to have more Scripture quoted and Catechism quotes in the witness talks, they are what they were, and so be it. I would have loved to have seen time for one to reflect on the talk before moving into "table share" aka small group discussion, but that is something easily fixed, same with the Scripture quotes.

My next biggest issues comes from the closing Mass and the Mass of Thanksgiving. The sharing experiences from the retreat was expected, though not overly enjoyed. The only thing that got to me was Fr. George, our pastor, asking the women who were on the retreat to come and join him in the Sanctuary for the entire Eucharistic prayer. The traditionalist in me had a heart attack about 10 times over and the perfectionist in me said ok offer it up, it is a retreat Mass after all. I would have been fine had he don't done it for the Mass of Thanksgiving too. It's not allowed, and I don't like when you mess with the rubrics, so let's just say Fr. George and I are seeing eye to eye currently. It's nice to have Fr. Brian on board because based on Fr. George has said, Fr. Brian doesn't veer from the Rubrics and that I love, hence why Fr. Brian is quickly becoming of of my favorite priests.

Looking at the retreat this way I thought I was going to be more critical, but alas I really wasn't and everything that I had issues with is easily fixed. I did have a wonderful time on the retreat, and do expect I'll be on team. At one point someone said to me, that I didn't seem affected by the retreat, I said I was, I just sort of knew what to expect with all the retreats I've been on.

So back to Fr. Brian, the first night, we went around the room introducing who the candidates were, and Fr. Brian came to me later and said, "I'm surprised this is your first one, when you introduced yourself I turned to Fr. George and said, I'm surprised this is her first Cornerstone." I told him about MaryKay telling me it was beyond me and he just shook his head and that conversation had to end because the break was over. Later that night the Sacrament of Confession was offered, typically of myself I wondered do I go to Fr. George or Fr. Brian, I actually thought about it and finally caved to the ultimate tugging on the soul to go to Fr. Brian. Let's just say I was never happier to go to Confession, and to be clean afterwards. Thank God for such a wonderful sacrament, as Fr. Brian said we need to use it more. During confession we talked about perfection and I was told to leave some of that behind as I left. And for the first time in my life was given a classic as a penance, 5 Hail Marys. I smiled and laughed to myself as I went to say them, and said, what I don't think I've ever gotten that as a penance. Also typical of myself I was one of the last people to go to Confession, that was not the plan but Fr. Brian's line kept growing, and I just said, fine I'll wait. I think I've found my confessor. ;)

During the retreat we are given letters from home and the parish, the typical palanca (I probably spelled it incorrectly) letters and most of them did make me cry, which is what they do. However I got from from MaryKay which just annoyed me. I sat there appreciating the thought, but thinking how do you tell me one year, that I'm beyond the retreat, and the next year say I'm so glad you went on the retreat. In her letter she says "When you are young it's difficult to watch other people move ahead on their journey while it seems that you haven't moved very much." While I appreciate the thought, it's like she was telling me I was moving backwards. I was so annoyed with what I read that I had to take her letter shove it in it's envelope and reread the letters the deacons in the parish sent me. Yes I totally understand that my friends are in a different place than me, but I have never felt like I wasn't moving. I can look at my life and equate it to the poem Footprints, and "it was then that you carried me Jesus." Yes my friends have what I want, but God's plan works in different ways with each person He's created. Rereading her letter it doesn't seem as bad as I first thought it was, but it still annoyed me. Don't come preaching to me about my life that you know nothing about and don't assume we're alike just because I'm a woman in ministry. I'd gladly take your job, and I know a few others who would love for me to take it. I'm content with what I have right now. It's not what I wanted, but it's working, and I'm slowing regaining my trust in my gut which has been pretty spot on, thanks to being guided by the Holy Spirit.
Overall the retreat was a good experience for me, and I'm glad I went on it. I'll do whatever is asked of me for team, and no MaryKay I'm not writing my witness talk, which you told me to do as you left the coffee and desserts after Mass. If I'm called to do a talk I'll do it, if not so be it.

Part 4 of the Faith Journey

I went on a Women's Cornerstone Retreat at my parish this weekend and that will have to be a separate blog, but I did find it amusing that they spoke about faith journeys and what not. Ok so I'm up to the September 11th section, and I'm not kidding when I say I can't shorten this part of the story, for some reason it really affected me. I mention a retreat briefly before I get into the September 11th part. At this point I was bitten and swallowed by the retreat bug, and it bit me again this past weekend, but we shall see if the bite holds on.

During my last resident semester, which was my second to last semester at SHU I decided I needed a retreat away from my friends, like Youth 2000. I found myself back in Kearny, this time on the Living the Lord's Prayer Retreat. It was just what I needed, the ‘in between retreat’, moving away from the 'whoo-hoo Jesus loves me" retreats and heading towards a silent retreat. This retreat rocked, and was just what I needed at the time, I was able to reconnect with old friends and meet some new ones too. LTLP as it became know in the inner circle would become a major part of my life, as I was asked to be on team. Being on team began during my last semester at SHU. Our first meeting was on September 12, 2001, needless to say the day before in etched in my memory. Where was I on September 11^th…

I was finishing up my last semester at SHU, and like a good college student I managed to get most of my classes in the afternoon or evening, so I was in bed when my mom came in and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I thought what type of moron hits a building, thinking in my head it was a student pilot in a small plane. I got up and for some reason decided my car needed to be washed so that’s that I went and did I washed my car which didn’t take too long. I had 95.5 WPLJ on the radio, so ABC was updating me on what was happening. I remember how somber Scott and Todd were compared to their usual antics and my neighbor coming out saying a second plane had hit the towers. At this point, I thought what the hell! As I was cleaning the inside of the car I heard that one of the Towers had fallen, at point I quickly finished what I was doing and went inside to watch the TV. The memories of Jan. 19 just 1 year and 9 months before hand came rushing back. I was home away from my friends, while they were at Seton Hall, where I wanted to me. Much like Jan. 19 I was then glued to the TV to see what was happening.

September 11^th for my family has two meanings, two memories. See 9-1-1 is my brother’s wedding anniversary; he being the smart aleck that he is picked 9-1-1 so everyone would remember it, now it carries another meaning. At the time the majority of the extended family lived in NY, the Bronx and Queens, since most of them lived in NY most of them worked in NY, including my father and brother; Dad in the Bronx and Peter in Manhattan, thankfully nowhere near the Towers. September 11^th was a little closer to home than it needed to be, add in cops in the family and its closer and it got even closer as the days went on. Calls were made to see how the family was, they all came back clear everyone was safe. It would just take my dad 4 hours to get home instead of the usual 45mins and I don’t remember Peter’s trip I don’t, but I’m sure it took him awhile to get home. Bottom line is they got home safely.

The memories of the days following are jumbled; we went to St. Anthony’s that night for a prayer service. We, St. Anthony’s only lost one person, which surprised me as I assumed that more people from town would have worked in the City. I don’t know if it was at some point that day or the days that followed but we found out that one of my dad’s friends had lost his son. Dennis was a fire fighter and his funeral, well wake is one I will never forget. We also found out that one of our neighbors, John, from the Bronx had worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. John’s memorial Mass, seeing as there would be no body happened first. Other than the big picture of John and his newborn son in the front Mass went on as normal, with the addition of a eulogy or two. John’s Mass was a reunion of people my brother had gone to school with and people we knew from Church. The Mass was followed by a gathering in the downstairs gym. It reminded me of a Christmas Eve Mass instead of a Memorial Mass. At the gathering I heard a lot of, Little Mary no way, that’s not you. My response, yes it is, I’m even 21 now. The laughs would follow, so even though it was a sad occasion, John had managed to get people together that hadn’t seen each other in years.

Dennis’ wake on the other hand is something that would stand out more than a Memorial Mass, those were normal. Dennis was FDNY so needless to say the line into the funeral home was massive. In front of my parents and I was a member of a fire department from Rockland County. The line snaked it’s way into the funeral home, and familiar faces were seen on the line or in the funeral home, which is normal at any type of Irish gathering for my family. What struck me the most was that there was no body; it was truly a time for people to just be there for the family. I didn’t personally know Dennis, but when I saw the flowers that said Daddy you will always be our hero, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. Dennis left behind a wife, 2 young children. There was a picture of Dennis were the body normally is and I remember the man in front of us, who was a volunteer fire fighter was in dress uniform, stopped and saluted the picture. It was just strange and unreal at the same time. And most definitely something I will not forget. Those images are what will stay in my head, a wake without a body, a Memorial Mass for someone I had gone to visit with my brother many times as he lived down the street. That is why I won’t forget where I was on September 11^th; it was too close to home.

Now back to the retreat and being on team. Driving to the first retreat team meeting on 280 East was when it hit me that the skyline that I was so familiar with and almost took for granted was changed forever; it was empty, it was broken, and would never be the same. The following weekend the retreat team went to a service at Liberty State Park. To look across the river and see the empty spot, just took my breath away, it was still smoldering in parts. It was surreal to think of what had happened and little did we know how much it would affect our lives. Evil will not leave, the Evil one is not happy unless we’re not happy, so he makes things happen and God allows it because He gave us free will, but that doesn’t mean God sits back and just lets it happen, while thousands died and were injured that day, many were also spared and saved by being late to work or for a plane or by God’s grace of not being near the buildings. Needless to say with the proximity of the team meetings and our locations to NYC and September 11^th it became the topic of choice for a few talks. During these meetings I would develop a special relationship with one of my fellow team members, Brian, of whom I have given the living term, jackass, or the ass. I know a few guys named Brian so I have to distinguish, especially since two of them are priests. So, Jackass Brian brings my journey to the spot it is today, once of confusion, questions, and doubting.

Since I haven't really talked about Brian I'm going to have to sit down with the story and work with it, so it coherent and non repetitive. So I leave you here wondering why Brian is a jackass.

Faith Journey Part 3

So I stopped just before the Youth 2000 retreat, which I will explain in my actual faith journey story was what I needed at the time. The Steubenville trips were great in the summer, they covered setting you on fire for when you returned to campus. In February of 1998 I needed something to help make sense of what had happened the month before with Gary's death.

Another event that would shape my life was a Youth 2000 retreat in Kearny, NJ. I don't like the Kearny, ok I hate the Kearny retreat center, but it serves its purpose. I like retreat centers in the middle of nowhere, where it's just you and God. I went because Campus min was sponsoring those that wanted to go and I decided to give it a try. It was a strange experience for me, as I knew no one on the retreat. Youth 2000 is a wickedly awesome retreat run by the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. I have known the order since I was a kid in grammar school, so I trusted what they did. Youth 2000 is a retreat that covers a large age group, high school- young adult, and the whole focus of the weekend is on the Blessed Sacrament. It would be on this retreat where it would just hit me that, it’s Jesus; it really is God in that piece of bread. Don't ask me how it happened, it just happened, it just dawned on me after 18 years, that it IS JESUS in the Eucharist. Yep, God smacked me upside the head with that one, as I refer to it, “my smack from God.” From here I would begin to realize how important those Monday afternoon trips to St. Helena’s with my mother were, and from here would stem my love for Eucharist Adoration. I went to Youth 2000 because I wanted answers about Gary’s death, why he had to go so young, why would God do that, how could God do that. Those questions were not answered; what I got was much more that what I could have ever asked for. From this retreat, from the experience of having a priest walk through the gym with the Monstrance I felt God's love and came to know Him better. Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament became something I looked forward to. I often sit for hours in SHU's chapel because I wanted to, and sometimes because I had to.

My years at Seton continued in a pattern, fall semester meant back to RCIA, retreats, SHUFL, Student Ambassadors, CELEBRATE SCC, EMing, and other campus ministry and school events, Christmas break for which I'd be home and couldn't wait to get back to SHU. It's a far cry from my first semester, when I wanted to run home to St. Anthony's; now I wanted to be away from St. A's. St. Anthony’s just didn’t feel like home anymore, SHU did. Christmas break would end and I'd be back ‘home’ at SHU, spring semester would take place with my usual activities continuing from the fall semester. I switched majors from nursing to religious studies at the beginning of my sophomore year. This was one of those things that stemmed from Youth 2000 and Steubenville; I felt a calling to religious studies and went with it.

Life at SHU would continue in this normal pattern until one eventful morning in January 2000. I was sleeping as most college students do at 5am, we were back on campus a few days. The phone rang and my roommate and I thought who the hell calls us at 5am, what is wrong with them. It was my roommate's mom, asking if we were ok. We said were fine, but the words there was as fire on campus would stay with us. We looked out of our window and saw fire trucks and other emergency vehicles over by Boland Hall, assumed everything was under control and went back to sleep. A few hours later, the phone rings again, this time it was a friend, who asked, “what's going on up there, I hear 3 people are dead.” Those words woke us up and we turned on the TV, we usually turned on Fox 5’s morning show so that’s what we watched. I still remember how somber and sincere Jim Ryan was as he told the story. Seton Hall was all over the news. We got news throughout the day, the first bit being that the fire was on the 3^rd floor, which happened to be the floor we lived on as freshman. My exact thought was "Oh God no; no not again; I can't do this, that's where Todd lives." (Todd is Gary's brother). It was morning, and we were hungry so we went to get some food. Calls were made to friends on campus to make sure everyone one was ok, and to see who wanted to go to breakfast. The University understandably shut down for the day, and looking back on it, we were like a herd of freaking cattle moving back and forth between the Main Lounge, the Chapel and the cafe. The Main Lounge was where updates were given; the Chapel was for mass, and the café for food and just hanging out with friends.

When we came down for breakfast I saw as Todd and was happy that I had found him and knew he was ok, and thought. Before I could even think, “thank God,” I heard "Pete can't find his little brother". I knew deep down at the very moment that, Pete's brother was gone, but I held out every last bit of hope that he was still alive. The day continued with us going to the Main Lounge for updates, the Chapel for Mass, back to the Main Lounge, to the cafe for food. Throughout the day we would think of and find more people who lived in Boland, all expect for Pete's brother. Resident students were told to go home, as the campus would be shut down for the next few days. So we each found a way to go home, my friend Kelly lived in Albany, NY, and since she would be driving past my neighborhood, she drove me home. Kelly and I stopped by our friend Bridget’s house, mainly because Bridget as a commuter was away from all of us during the day. Kelly and I were headed home and we had SOU, Seton Hall’s crappy radio station because we were guaranteed updates. Around 7 they released the names of the kids who had died. We heard John Gu… and immediately turned around and found Bridget at her sister's house. We went back to Bridget’s house cried; found out the funeral arrangements and eventually we all went home.

The days that followed were sad ones, January 19th would the 2nd day in January that I would not like. John's funeral and Mass flashed me back to Gary's wake. This was not something I wanted to go through again, I didn't want to have to bury another person my age, but alas I had to. Here I got a part of my answer of how can this help you. Fr. Bill two years before had said, ask how, what can come from this. So I became the ‘you can get through it” person. I knew it hurt, that the pain will not leave, but it gets slightly easier to bear. Both days in January just send me into a dark place, of which I need to go every so often. Both events would change my life, would change my faith. And just because they are sad, doesn't mean that good weren't happening at the same time, these are just the events that stick out the most. One of the highlights for me would be the Easter Sacraments that took place each year after Easter. I would watch my candidates become fully Catholic, the whole RCIA process still brings tears to my eyes, happy tears, as others realize that they want to be Catholic and it just does my heart well to see so many people annoying the Evil One.

Life would continue in the normal college student fashion. Classes were going well; I had lots of friends and was having fun at college. Soon that fun could come to an end, as the dreaded graduation day approached. I wish to not remember my graduations from SHU, yes I did say graduations. Having known people graduating in the classes before me and participating in their “Mass of Academic Investiture”, I knew what to expect, but what would happen, I never expected. I never thought changing majors would come back to well, bite me in the ass. Long story short, as my friends received notices about caps and gowns I wonder why I wasn’t getting anything. Turns out I had 12 credits or 4 classes left before I could graduate. I had a full semesters worth of classes left, somehow this slipped past me and my advisor, though it slipping past my advisor is not too surprising. I was pissed, I had put in my 4 years, I had also failed a class or two, it’s what helped me change my major, as the science classes just weren’t holding my attention, but my religion classes were. So here I was at my graduation Mass, watching my friends graduate, without me. I walked in to serve as an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist and found Fr. Bill who said to me, “smile Red, you not smiling is unnerving, I don’t like it.” If Fr. Bill only knew how much that comment meant to me at the time and how much my friends and I use it.

I went back to SHU for my last semester which was honestly just me showing up for class and coming back home. I was no longer part of the RCIA program as I was basically told “it’s time to give others a chance.” What really happened was I said I wouldn’t stand up for my last candidate because I didn’t think she was ready to enter the church, and because I had the audacity to stand up for something I was asked to step down. Fr. Bill had been asked to return to parish life and without him Campus ministry and I weren’t getting along. So I was at St. Anthony’s for Mass, which was not what I wanted. I didn’t feel as if I fit in there. This would be the “what am I doing, what am I supposed to do” section of my faith journey.

I think I am going to stop at this point simply because the next section covers Sept. 11th and the events that were happening around it. As someone who spent her grammar school years in the Bronx, has family in the Bronx, has NYPD in the family, and whose father and brother both worked in New York at the time, September 11th was a bit closer to home than expected. For some reason I can't shorten the Sept. 11th story, I've tried but it just doesn't happen. Another thing that would happen would be my time spent with the Living the Lord's Prayer retreat and team. I would start a relationship with a man, and that's a whole blog in and of it's self. What follows after are my jobs and many other things that would make this section way too long. So I leave you with where I was at the time confused and looking for more.

WTF

The organization's (PP) 2006-2007 Annual Report showed an income of $1.017 billion. They are not a f-ing non for profit organization!

Divine Mercy Sunday

So today is Divine Mercy Sunday and my Confirmation class's(I'm the teacher not a student) service project weekend. We had a diaper drive for a local pregnancy recourse center at our parish. I spent most of my day at church and managed to get two homilies today, Fr. Brian and Fr. George. Both homilies have combined into one in my head as they had similar themes.

Fr. Brian started his homily by mentioning the decree that made the 2nd Sunday of Easter, Divine Mercy Sunday, continuing with love and mercy as his topics of choice. Father spoke about his own life, about how he felt as if he was/is always behind everyone else in many aspects of life. Some of the things he mentioned were repeating first grade, starting college a year later than his friends because he took a year off after high school, and how he was ordained at ago 40 and now 5 years later looks at the other guys his age and sees that they have been ordained for 15 years. I'm sure many of us can tell a similar story, and I know I saw much of my life in Fr. Brian's life, I kept thinking about how most of my friends are married and have kids, and of course I thought about my graduation from SHU. Talk about not being with everyone, long story short I didn't graduate on time, see my faith journey part 3 section for the full story.

Fr. Brian spoke of how Thomas must have felt left out, and that he gets a bad rap. Fr. George had a similar theme. Both priests spoke about how Thomas was out doing stuff whereas the disciples were hiding in the upper room. They both spoke about how we are each like Thomas in our lives. Fr. George spoke about the loss of someone, and how it's often the tragic losses or the losses that we think come to early that make us doubt our faith. I thought at this point of Fiona and Bernadette, my little saints, but their deaths didn't make me doubt my faith, they actually helped me realize that Heaven is our ultimate goal no matter what our age is.

Both Fr. George and Fr. Brian mentioned that Thomas was the only one to leave the room, Fr. Brian told us that he's wants to know what Thomas was doing. Fr. George said Thomas was courageous for actually leaving the room and doing the normal everyday things like taking care of having food. He also mentioned that we are called to do the same, that when things happen in life that we should turn to God's love and mercy and get back out and do the everyday things, and that we should bring peace to one another. Fr. George managed a way to tie all the readings, Divine Mercy Sunday and baptism (there was one at our Mass) into his homily. In his section on the second reading he spoke about gold being tested in the fire, and about how gold has a very specific point of purification. Gold that is taken out a few second too early still have some impurities and gold that is left in the fire one second too long is destroyed. The goldsmith needs to know exactly when to take the gold out, Fr. George of course tied this into God in our lives and mentioned how God knows exactly how much to give us and when to take us out of the fire.

Fr. Brian mentioned "suffering being a whole other ball of wax" I don't remember what was mentioned before it, it might have been about life not going the way we want it too. All I heard was suffering and thought, that's my topic Father. I just finished reading Amazing Grace: Stories of Suffering by Jeff Cavins and Matthew Pinto and in it are 10 stories of different forms of suffering, most of them being the classic losing a child or other family member or both a child and significant other, and being physically disabled, but some were not the normal ones you hear, one was about a man who was falsely accused of something, a person who had terrible migraines. Besides suffering there was a common theme of each person being chosen to more closely be like Jesus. I took a graduate course in suffering and literally suffered through it, I remember picking quietly suffering for my topic and having my professor (a doctor) tell me that no one suffers quietly. The topic of a dark night of the soul was mentioned, but I honestly think that no one in that class knew what a dark night feels like. I can't even say I have, but I can't think of anything else to describe what I feel like, nor can I explain what a dark night entails.

I look to St. Therese, Cardinal Cooke, Cardinal O'Connor and I see examples of quietly suffering, and also in Fr. Eugene Hamilton, whose story of being ordained literally minutes before he died of cancer in his early 20s brings tears to my eyes every time I read it. I look back to this class and on my life and on society in general and notice that there is not a whole lot out there on suffering and that suffering is barely mentioned or looked at in a way where one would want to suffer. I remember a homily given a few years ago on the Feast of Christ the King where the priest said, "without the Cross there is no Glory, there is no King." It's true without the suffering of Good Friday, Easter Sunday never happens. We speak so much on the Risen Christ and on Easter, but we over look Good Friday and the gruesome death of Jesus. Suffering can be beautiful, look at what God did with it. He took tremendous suffering and turned it into the greatest gift ever, Eternal Life.

Maybe it's time for me to actually write my book, Quietly Suffering and use my life as an example. No I have not suffered physically, or through the lose of a child, but I have been trough enough to know that life is not easy, and that you are allowed to question God's actions, you have to accept them, but you can question Him, as Fr. George said, God knows when to take us out of the fire, He only gives us what we need to be purified so we can be with Him.

Faith Journey part deux

So my time in college is when my faith really starts to develop, for my years in grammar and high school, I was really just following the motions of what was done before me and of what was expected of me. So college really was the first place for my faith to be tested, and challenged. All this took place at a "catholic" university no less. More on that later. In case you forgot where I left off, I had just returned from WYD in Paris.

Thus I began my Seton Hall days on a religious high and in a matter of seconds was taken off it. I moved in a week after everyone, classes had already started, and I had missed the first day of most of my classes. The director of campus ministry had sent a letter to me, granted Fr. Jim probably sent a form letter inviting all incoming freshmen to stop by campus ministry. Once again I heard my mom say, "He seems nice, go find that priest." Mom was right, Fr. Jim was nice, but it would not be Fr. Jim that I would connect to; it would be the nutty Irish one that was placed in the corner by the door, the 'young priest', Fr. Sheridan aka Fr. Bill.

I filled out the Campus Ministry survey card given to me during a class one day, and I checked off nearly every box; retreats, meetings, Small Christian Communities, being a lector, greeting at Mass, RCIA and whatnot. I handed in the card and left it at that. I did search out a group called Seton Hall United For Life (SHUFL) the pro-life club/organization on campus. Looking back I realize that I thought it was strange that a Catholic school would need a pro-life organization, shouldn’t the whole campus be pro-life, little did I know that this little organization would help shape my faith and life and how many times I would continue to ask myself the question, “aren’t we Catholic?” This begins the "I need to find my faith section of my life." My first semester at SHU seemed ok; I was home most weekends so I still had my Fr. Geno (FG) Masses. I missed being home; I missed being a part of my St. Anthony's family, but things would soon change there.

At some point during the first few weeks of the semester, Pete, the grad assistant for Campus Ministry would invite my future roommate and I to a Small Christian Communities (SCC) meeting. There we sat all 7 of us around a table, a long rectangle, not a normal square or circle table, but one of those long ass board room tables. Long story short there was a knock on the door and in blew, and I mean blew Fr. Bill. Here was this young priest in regular clothes; you know jeans and a t-shirt. I thought, wow, “another crazy priest”, as Fr. Bill reminded me of Fr. Geno and well SCC aka Small Christian Communities was starting off the way youth group did, small and with 7 people. Thus began my Campus Ministry journey.

Let me add that these two priests would shape my life more than I or them probably realized at the time. Fr. Geno on a retreat before my senior year, "you're going to be the loud one next year." I honestly thought the man was nuts, I still do, but that push was all I needed to get out of my shell somewhat, I'm still working on it, but when people want to know why I am the way I am, I just say "blame Fr. Geno." Seriously, since that comment I have watched myself say and do things to defend the Church that I don't know if I would have been able to without that push to be the "loud one." I only mention FG here, because as you'll see Fr. Bill is mentioned throughout the college years. Back to our regularly scheduled rundown of my faith journey.

Walking into the cafeteria one day I was greeted at the door by “Rocky” asking me, “you ever been on a retreat?” The rest of the conversation when like this: me: “yes, Rocky.” Rocky: “good you're going on one again.” Fr. Bill happened to be standing next to Rocky and after they “twisted my arm” I was going on my first SHU retreat. On the retreat I would see just how similar FG and Fr. Bill were in style, and that Fr. Bill and I have a common background and interests. It was on the retreat that I would meet more friends and other like me. The campus ministry retreats would shape my life in many ways, allowing me to find my gifts and talents for retreat talks and planning retreats and other events, and some of them led to my evil ways, such as the Ron & Mary room from one retreat. Fr. Bill had asked Ron to type up/create the tags for the rooms, and I happened to walk in to Campus Ministry when Ron was doing this, and something inspired us to make a Ron & Mary room. I can still hear Fr. Bill in the hallway of the Ringwood retreat center, “RON! (elongated pause) MARY!” This little room incident would show me that you always need to have a sense of humor and the ability to laugh as things can go crazy in a matter of seconds.

Because of that post card that I filled out for Campus Ministry, I got a call from Renee asking if I wanted to be a part of the RCIA process as a sponsor. I said sure, all that was required of me was to attend an hour long class with my candidate and Mass on Sunday with the RCIA group. The Mass happened to be Fr. Bill's Mass, and I had learned from the Wednesday Masses, that I like Fr. Bill's Masses. I was roped into the Wednesday Masses by SHUFL, a group of about 4 or 5 people who think abortion /is wrong, it’s also where I met most of my friends at SHU. It still amuses me that on a Catholic campus the most we would get for the pro-life organization was 10 people. SHFUL met weekly on Wednesdays, and once a month met after the 12pm Mass to say the Rosary on the Green. This was introduction to Fr. Bill's masses, I liked them, and Adoration followed Mass on Wednesday which becomes more important later on. God works with what we give Him, so He has to hit me upside the head before I get it.

Back to the post card and RCIA; there I was sitting in these classes as a sponsor, which meant I should know how to be Catholic, I was confirmed after all. I sat there and was dumbfounded that I couldn't remember the Corporal works of mercy, shhh, I probably still can't name them all, but that's not the point. The point is that I used to know all of them, all the things used at Mass, all the Vestments that the priest wore, and lots of other things. I did have Catholic grammar school education; I wanted to know where all that knowledge went; why I didn’t remember all of this stuff. Old age hadn't set in yet, I wanted to know how I had forgotten it. I didn’t really forget it, it just got shifted to the back part of my brain as I didn't need religion knowledge anymore, I was from a public high school, no religion class there. Youth group helped me be religious, and reminded me how to live life, but I was floored that I had forgotten all my religion class info. I soon found out that I didn't forget it, so what if I can't name everything, I can for the most part, I was learning to live my life as a Catholic and not just go through the motions and call myself Catholic and not do anything. Youth group had shown me that being 'religious' could be fun and well now I was beginning to see, how being 'religious' would be a part of my life. The rest of my first semester continued on nicely, and soon it was time to come home for Christmas. I was happily back at St. Anthony's; I was back home, but SHU was growing on me little by little, as it does.

The following would be the moment I could describe as my "conversion moment" or my "aha moment" as Oprah calls it. I wouldn't realize just yet what was happening to me or around me until much later, and still today I wonder why it happened. My answer is usually "if it happened to teach my to love my faith and make me love the Catholic Church, then so be it, after all God does know what He is doing."

Over Christmas break I joined the college group at St. Anthony's on a ski trip to the Poconos. On the trip we re-lived some memories of youth group and some of us had to be told how to use a sled by a mother who was sledding with her child, who helped out the group of college students who were standing there trying to figure out what to do, she nicely told us we had the sleds upside down. I can only imagine the conversation she had about us later on. The nights of the trip were spent doing good old youth group stuff: music, prayer, Confession, games and just plain old bs-ing. This trip holds more memories than I realized, the conversations in Burger King about lacrosse being better than rugby, cards games and busting each other’s chops in one of our rooms, and little did I know it would be the last time that particular group would get together. It was soon time to return back to SHU and I was actually happy to be going back. The SHUFL trip to the March for Life was coming up, this would be a first for me, and the RCIA retreat was coming up too. So things were looking good and I was happy.

It may seem strange to have such a secular event in my faith journey, but so much happened in January of 1998, that the ski trip of December 1997 would be ingrained in my memory as a last of sorts. The ski trip is not the conversion moment, but what follows is, and despite how many times I have spoken about it and written about it, it still send a knife through my heart.

The March for Life took place, the RCIA retreat took place, it was a busy weekend for me so I stayed at SHU, there was no reason to come home just for a few hours on Sunday or so I thought. The Sunday after the March and retreat, I received a phone call that would change my life. It was January 25, 1998; the words, "Gary was killed in a car accident last night" still send a shiver down my spine and tears to my eyes. I wanted to be home, I had to be home, I wanted to be back at St. A's with my friends, I wanted to back on that ski trip with Gary and everyone else, because it was normal and not even a month away. I called some friends to make sure they knew, and then I called home from the hallway as to not disturb my roommate. So my dad came to get me and I don't even remember if I made it to Mass, I'm sure I did, I’m pretty sure we had Mass on the retreat. Anyway, I didn't know what to do; all I wanted to do was to be home, at St. Anthony's. Fr. Geno had a prayer service that night at St. A’s, and the first thing that happened was hugs, just hugs and tears on the steps of St. A’s. I remember St. A's that night was packed with people I went to high school with, some faces I had never seen in church. FG managed a way to comfort all of us, and I returned to SHU in a very confused state of mind. I would return home later on during the week to say good-bye at the wake, where the line was wrapped around the parking lot, the whole thing sill vivid in my mind even when I go to another funeral at Browning-Forshay, I still think, man Gary had both rooms and it still wasn't enough to hold us. Now that's a sign of love, the funeral home wasn't big enough to hold everyone.

Here would begin my “what the hell am I doing” stage of my faith. For the first time in my life I would question God, His motives, and wonder why I was Catholic. Gary's death threw me for a loop; I had never been to a funeral of someone my age, let alone a friend before. I had known of friends of a friend who died tragically, but I didn’t know them personally, so it didn’t affect me too much. Now I was away from St. Anthony's where I wanted to be, where I felt safe, and where I knew I wasn't the only one feeling sad. Alas, I had to head back to SHU, even though I didn’t really want to, live for me had to continue on. I hid my thoughts and pain from most of my friends at SHU, because there honestly was nothing they could do for me, and honestly it was only the 2^nd semester for most of us, so we were still adjusting to college life. Fr. Bill somehow could see through me, or I was able to be completely open and honest with him. I remember sitting in his office, asking, “where's my faith, how could this happen, why did this happen?” Father's response was, “don't ask why, ask how, what can come from this?” I honestly thought Fr. Bill was crazy, but I trusted him, and I did take his advice. Sounds like what I said about another priest before. That piece of advice comes up to this day when I have to deal with something out of the ordinary. That spring semester, I would do things I never thought I would do; join a sorority and drink but it, drinking, didn't bother me too much. I was a legal adult at 18, and promised myself I’d never get drunk, as it was a drunk driver that killed Gary. To this day I know my limits with alcohol and stick to them. I would find myself at Adoration on Wednesdays, it helped that I signed up to spend an hour at Adoration. There were some weeks where I did more praying than others, and some weeks when I did no praying, there were times where I yelled at God inside my brain, and weeks when I would just write stuff down in a journal. Something was happening here and I didn't know what, yet. Again God works with that you give Him, and I’m as stubborn as they come, slowly He was bringing me to Him and His Son in the Most Blessed Sacrament.

Now I can't leave you with such a down part of my faith journey, so I'll end with my thoughts on what I consider to be a wonderfully Catholic University, Franciscan University of Steubenville. Again I state God works with what we give Him, and Steuvenville would be a light in the darkness for me.

Summer flew past, as I spent most of it working as a member of the custodial staff of a NYC public high school where my dad work as part of the custodial staff, so when they needed people to help clean in the summer, the employees’ children were given preference. Despite working most days from 6am-3pm, cleaning up after some nasty students and teachers I was able find time to venture with Campus Ministry to this place called Franciscan University of Steubenville. My mom at some point during my first year at SHU mentioned this Franciscan College to me, she had probably heard of it from EWTN, after all it’s either EWTN or QVC that she has on. Sure enough I found myself on a bus ride out to Steubenville, and when I returned I said, “MOM, WHY didn't you tell me about Steubenville before, it's awesome!” I didn't transfer to Steubenville though I thought about it for a few minutes; I stayed at SHU, because God had plans for me there. Franciscan University will probably come in later, after God smacks me upside the head a few more times with the idea of going there, or of doing Distance Learning for a class or two to see what it’s like.

The conferences at Steubenville, would find the closest charismatic in me, and also help me find the traditionalist in me. A charismatic traditionalist, there's something you don't hear about every day. Steubenville would be where my love of Catholic t-shirts would come about, and I certainly have a decent collection of them, and when I wear them I always get nice comments on them. I remember sitting at Mass on the first day of the conference seeing all of these shirts that had THE EUCHARIST on the back. I thought what the hell are they wearing? I soon found my Top Ten Reasons to Stay Roman Catholic tee and I still have it and love it. :) I would go on to find Dr. Scott Hahn and his writings there as well. He is one of my favorite Catholic writers because his books aren't these massive theological books, but books the normal person can read, yet are full of theology. I would also find Jeff Cavins there, and from the looks of it, I’ll be using his Bible study at my parish, so I’m sure Jeff will help shape my faith too. Steubenville would show me that being Catholic was cool, and that I wasn't alone in it. Other events helped with this too, but I always looked forward to my trips to Steubenville, they are the only school that I know of when they call for money and even if you say no, I can't afford anything right now; they say "Do you have any prayer requests?" Yeah, I still wonder why I never went there.

There's more to say about Steubenville, but I don't know where to start. I'm hoping to go to the Bible Conference (maybe I can convince my parish to pay for that one, but that requires me having the courage to admit I don't have enough money, though I probably do, to go on it) and the Defending the Faith Conference. As you will see I am a proponent of Young Adult Ministry, but it needs to be done right. My parish is a wonderful place, but it needs help in some places, again it takes me having the courage to speak up to my Pastor, and the Holy Spirit keeping the two of us open to each others comments. At. Steubenville I would experience what I think is what a Catholic University should be. I understand that you don't need a Perpetual Adoration chapel or a memorial to the unborn on your campus to make you Catholic, but the school should act Catholic and not forget that it is Catholic. Don't get me wrong I loved my time at Seton Hall, but like most Catholic Colleges and University it needs prayers and work, and I believe that SHU is changing, slowly. The conferences at Franciscan would show me a different side of me, a side that I didn't know existed, the "Bible thumpin', pew jumpin', hands in the air Catholic" as a member of the RCIA program would call us. There is no way to actually explain what Fransiscan University has done for me, and that's only through 3 young adult conferences, and I understand that the classroom is completely different, but I have a feeling I'll be there for my graduate studies, since it seems that SHU's grad school and I are not meant to be.

I'll leave you off here, to come back later when I talk about Youth 2000 and CFRs.

Faith Journey

Since this covers 28 years, I guess I should split it into sections. Last night I was going through some of my writings on my computer and found the one titled "My Faith Journey" and decided to read it. It was inspired by our pastoral staff writing about their journeys to their vocations in religious life. I decided to write about my own vocation to "religious life" considering that we are all called to religious. I wrote it some time in 2006, so a fair bit of it is missing, and I'll add it in, I just don't know if I'm ready to talk about all the stuff that happened in 2 years, and trust me, a boat load of stuff has happened. Any way let's begin, at least I can cover the grammar and high school school years, seeing as a whole lot didn't happened then. ;)

It all started 28 years ago on Dec. 11th, when I was born into this wonderful world. On Dec.12th I entered my life as a Catholic. I was an emergency baptism as I only weighed 3lbs. 15 1/2 ozs. Thus my journey to 'religious life' began. I spent the first month of my life in a hospital with all sorts of needles sticking out of me and other such fun stuff; thankfully I don't remember any of it. I can only assume that my life continued as that of any young, Irish, American, Catholic child: Mass on Sunday, Mom and Dad teaching me the basics of life and of being a Catholic. I remember going to Mass as a child, being on my best behavior, being able to stand on the kneeler, and no toys were allowed. There was no children's church, you dealt with whatever priest you got, whether you liked him or not. We had something called a children's Mass, but if I remember correctly that was a Mass in the gym and it was probably more of a teen/young adult Mass than a children's Mass. Maybe I'm combining memories of a few Masses, but the overall point is we weren't taken out of the Church.

My early life was shaped by my family: mom, dad and my brother, and well the aunts, uncles and cousins too. Being a fair bit younger than most of them, I didn't experience as many sacraments as I could have, but there were enough Communions, Confirmations, and weddings that I can remember a good few of them.

It was soon time for me to go to school, I remember mom calling different Catholic schools, looking to get me in. We tired our home parish, but they for some reason didn't want me so I ended up at Sacred Heart Private School, which was run by the ASCJ sisters, the Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, unfortunately it’s closing at the end of this school year. It would be in these hallowed halls of the "little school with the big heart" that my vocation to "religious life" would begin.

Here the sisters would provide many things for us to do, First Friday Masses, plays, glee club aka the choir, liturgical ministries, prayer services were among the many school activities. While Mom and Dad laid the basics of the faith, the Sisters took what was there and built upon it. I read at Mass, sang in the choir, helped out around the school. These nuns hold a dear spot in my heart, especially after seeing the mother house in Rome, and because there were my first experience with “religious life.”

It would be at Sacred Heart that I would complete my initiation into the Catholic Church by making my First Holy Communion and being confirmed by Bishop Sheridan. I spent 9 years at Sacred Heart getting a great Catholic education which I wouldn't see until much later. Finally that day of freedom came and my class of 22 graduated in June of 1993. Amid tears of joy and happiness I said good bye to friends and to New York as it was time for me to move to New Jersey.

Yeah, I had moved to NJ that other state that my cousins lived in and I was happy until high school began. Those wonderful halls of Hawthorne High weren't friendly at first. See I do not like the fact that most of the kids in Hawthorne have made their friends/groups before they enter high school thanks to that wonderful thing called middle school. So there I was the outsider, the girl with the funny accent, trying to find her way in a school she didn't really like. There was a shining light though, for the first time in my life, I had met a man who had just become a priest. In New York the priests had been at our church since I was born, so they all seemed old to me. Deacon Geno was assigned to our parish and was ordained in Aug. 1993 becoming Fr. Geno or FG as, he was more commonly known. I thought there is no way, he's a priest; he's too young. Little did I know how much this young priest would shape my life.

For a year my mom told me, (Irish accent needed) "You should go to youth group, Fr. Geno seems like such a nice young priest." So finally one Sunday night in September of 1994, I caved, I set foot inside the newly 'ordained' youth room, and much to my surprise I actually liked being there. I met new friends, people I went to high school with, whom I never thought I'd speak to. Here began my 'oh being religious can be fun' stage of life. Through youth group I found myself doing things that I did in grammar school, I was part of our 'teen music ministry', I was a lector in the parish and over all having fun each Sunday night while learning about my faith. I wasn't using books to learn, because I had that book knowledge, I needed what would later be called "heart knowledge" by another priest who has shaped my life.

For 3 years I rarely missed a youth group meeting or outing. Finally, that dreaded day of graduation came, actually it wasn't dreaded; I looked forward to graduating from High school and moving on to college, but I knew I would miss youth group. For 4 years, Fr. Geno showed me that religion wasn't this un-cool thing. I was shown that religion was ok, and a cool teenage thing to do. The one thing I didn't like was that I was leaving youth group and facing down another new school. I didn't want to leave youth group, I had grown accustomed to hanging out on Sunday nights, singing songs, and having fun. I was now leaving all of that behind to go to Seton Hall. I believe Mike put it best on our senior retreat, "what will FG do without us next year?" My comment should have been “what am I going to do without youth group?”

My life with youth group wouldn't end with that retreat as I had one final trip left, Paris/World Youth Day (WYD). It would be on the streets of France that I would see differences between me and other teens on the trip. I had known from day 1 of the meetings, that this would not be an 'easy' trip. I knew it involved crappy food and whatnot; it was called a ‘pilgrimage’ for a reason. It would on this trip that I would thank FG for being whom and what he is. I told him at one point toward the end of the trip, I'm here to see the Pope, and that's it. He laughed, and said thanks. I knew he knew that I truly meant it, and I think it helped him to know that at least one person wasn’t there for Paris, but for something else, JP2.

At a WYD event while looking at JP2 on the big TV screen I wondered why these crazy European ladies next to me were crying like babies looking at him on TV, it was no different than watching it from home. I would later become one of those crazy ladies, many times, but for now it was a strange sight, that I couldn't figure out. Was I moved to see the Pope, aka the little white dot, yes, I was, but not to tears. I didn't cry on that trip until the last night when FG got the St. Anthony's group together and said "we say good-bye to Mary as she heads off to college." It hit me like a bullet that I was leaving youth group. I knew he didn't really mean good-bye, but I was saying good-bye to what I had come accustomed to for the past 3 years on Sunday nights and other events, like the feast, retreats, Masses, and other things where I was with people who shared my attraction to 'religion' and the unknown of college was a scary thought.

I'll end here with college, because it would be at college where my faith would "change", it would be challenged, confused, and all sorts of things. Those 4.5 years shape my life into what it is today, and to add them in here would just make this post super long.