Why is this woman's vocation such a big deal?!

In perusing Twitter I came across an odd tweet:

To place the picture in the blog I had to search for it and was surprised that it was the Daily News that tweeted it, I really thought it was one of the Catholic people I followed not a secular newspaper.  Read the story for yourself here. Of course the use of the words "wedding" and "married" have sent people into a tizzy.  Kinda funny considering we are to open to all sorts of "marriages" now.  The use of the word marriage is what throws people off, this woman has chosen to become a Consecrated Virgin.  While we say she's married to Jesus we also so that nuns and sisters are married to Jesus though we know they are not really married to Jesus.  We also refer to the Church as the Bride of Christ.  That's an awful lot of brides for one man; though He is God.  All kidding aside, it's the odd Catholic phrasing that gets people.  It's like when we say we pray to the saints, we're not really praying to them as prayer is reserved strictly to and for God, but we are asking the saints to pray for us.  It's just the language we use that confuses people.

Anyway I read the article and thought that's odd, but kind of cool.  I went about my evening thinking no more of this woman's vocation until it appeared a few times on my Facebook feed.  I didn't read the articles as I knew the story, but I did make the mistake of reading the comments on one of the posts.  I refused to read the others as I assumed they would be full of hatred, I mean loving comments on how ugly, crazy and stupid this woman is.  So much for tolerance.

Of course most people commented isn't this what nuns do and well she's a nun now.  Not knowing much about it I didn't respond to the comments as I'd be there forever saying, "no she's not a nun, her vocation is different.  She many not of found a charism of an order that matched her."

My favorite comments have been the "stupid Catholics, don't know what they are doing." All the so called Catholic theologians came out on this one. You know the ones who tell me I worship Mary, that I'm committing necromancy for "communicating" with the dead, that I don't read the correct Bible, your faith is fake, your religion is made up, yes those "catholics" who know more than those of us actually studying Catholic theology.

These are the same people that when you point out that all the Christian religions have their roots in the Catholic faith tell you that you are wrong.  I know that right now I sound like an uber-snobbish holier than thou Catholic. Did you know that all Catholics have a holier-than-thou attitude?  I didn't but I'm glad I do now.  By the way this blog is dripping in sarcasm, in cause you couldn't tell.

I usually just ignore the Protestants and just keep going, but one comment set me off, not really set me off, but made me say "please do some research before you spout off misconceptions of the Catholic Church."

Below is the tread that followed.  I'm learning to nicely defend the faith.  I'm using comments make at conferences.  I'm trying to be civil and level headed, but I'm Irish so we'll see how long that lasts.

I'm pretty sure you can click on the picture to make it larger, but I'm not sure.  I'll see what happens after I publish the blog. (Side note: it does open in a pop up, but on my screen it's smaller than what it is here on the blog.)

I'm pretty sure the women who chimed in twice thinks I'm the stupidest Catholic on the face of the Earth, but I wasn't getting into the whole Catholic vs. Protestant thing here.  I was trying to figure out the logic of why I can talk to Jesus, who died (Yes, I know He's risen and alive) but I can't talk to other who have gone before me.  You'll see that my comment of Jesus talking to the dead was ignored.  I let that one go as it wasn't going to really do anything.  I think it's hysterical that the guy thinks I came up with my comments on "live on bread alone" without the help of any scholars.  I actually went to the USCCB page and clicked on the links to see what tied into what, but we'll let him think I figured it out on my own without the help of other Catholics.

It's always the same old "argument" and people act like Catholicism didn't exist before the 1500s.  Another woman just commented on how pompous Catholics are because we believe that we wrote the Bible and are the rock on which Christianity was built.  We did and we are, so yes we do have the technical right to be pompous, but we're really not.  I don't throw Church teaching in others faces, I don't ask "have you been saved?", I'm lucky I get my sinful person to Mass every week.  I try so hard to not come across as a know it all, holier-than-thou person, but sometimes I honestly can't help it. I've studied Theology and I love being Catholic so yeah I do come across as bitchy and pompous, but I also know that I have the fullness of faith at my fingertips.  It's easy for me to pick up a Catechism and read actual Church teaching.

Anyway back to the woman this blog is about.  As a "cradle Catholic" I have heard of Consecrated Virgins, but never paid attention to what it is/was.  I honestly didn't think they existed anymore.  I think God has used this women's story to bring awareness to this vocation.  God bless her for her decision, I know it could have been easy.  I know that I'll be adding Consecrated Virgin to my list of vocations to talk about to the teens.  What I don't understand are the vile and awful comments of this woman is so ugly no one would want to marry her, she couldn't get laid so she decided to do it.  As a woman who is constantly discerning her vocation, I understand that this was not easy for her.

There is an article that does a good job of explaining what happened at the rite here. I feel a great disservice is done to the rite and to this woman because the words marriage and wedding were used.  White is a symbol of purity hence why it's worn for Baptism, Communion, Confirmation (though most don't do that anymore), and a wedding.  I don't know people are so immersed in the sexual ways of the world that this simple act seems so strange.  I know her story has opened my eyes to the idea that not every woman is called to religious life in the idea of being a nun or sister.

Does the Catholic Church have a man problem?

I had the majority of this blog typed and ready to go and I thought saved and then I accidentally closed out the window and lost a good portion of it so I had to rewrite some portions of the blog.  


It would seem that Cardinal Raymond Burke hates women if you listened to some people and their comments on the Cardinal's most recent interview with "The New eMANgelization" which is a part of the new Evangelization.  So I was at a meeting at my parish and was told, "did you hear what that Cardinal said about boys not wanting to do things with girls."  Of course when it's presented this way, one thinks, what, who would say that.  As I am of the opinion of trying to read the actual interview, I was pleasantly surprised when I actually read the interview 

I came home and searched the almighty Google for Cardinal Burke and the few sites that did come up led me to think, I wonder what he really said.  I tend to be skeptic of the media when they talk about the Catholic Church because, well they usually don't get it right.  I could not find what I deem a Catholic site that I trust to have the interview, until I found a link to the interview on Patheos When I saw this I thought ok, good a site I can trust.  So I went ahead and read the interview, and you should too as it's packed full of wonderful comments and that one comment that everyone is talking about is par for the course taken out of context.  

When I went to read the interview I was thinking "I usually agree with Cardinal Burke, what possible could he have said" as the way it was presented was as if the Cardinal had denounced all women and declared us unworthy and useless.  I did have my pastor's comment of "it's just a piece of it" deeply in the back of my mind, again I usually agree with Cardinal Burke.  So I went and read the whole article and decided that after I was ready to cut and paste sections that this was much longer than a tweet or facebook post would allow.  Thus this blog post was born.   


What follows below are the parts of the article that I cut and pasted in the italics and blue with my comments following.

"Everyone understands that women have and can be abused by men. Men who abuse women are not true men, but false men who have violated their own manly character by being abusive to women." 

As I read these lines I thought, why isn't this the line that's being reported, this interview isn't about women, but about men and how they can be much better than we let them be.  Yes, men can be abusive, as can women, but this statement packs so much more than "boys don't like to do things with girls."  

I kept reading and the next section to stick out was:  "The crisis between man and woman has been made much worse by a complete collapse of catechesis in the Church. Young men grew up without proper instruction with regard to their faith and to the knowledge of their vocation. Young men were not being taught that they are made in the image of God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit. These young men were not taught to know all those virtues that are necessary in order to be a man and to fulfill the particular gifts of being male.

Making things worse, there was a very fluffy, superficial kind of catechetical approach to the question of human sexuality and the nature of the marital relationship."

I could not agree more with Cardinal Burke.  As a catechist, youth minister, evangelization person, and regular Mass goer I see this all the time.  It's not just men, but women too.  I am a product of a Catholic elementary school so my religious education came every day in school and at home.  Vocations are so important to the Catholic Church, but we no longer teach or say "yay, my son wants to be a priest" but instead, "what is wrong with you, are you sure that's what you want to do?"  At the Defending the Faith Conference at Franciscan University this past summer I heard the comment "As the father goes so does the family."  It was in reference to conversation to Catholicism but it is true on many levels for many things. 

We are afraid to teach that we are all made in God's image and likeness and that God created us male and female.  There is so much confusion about "I want to be this gender not the one I am."  God made us who we are and yet we are afraid to teach that, we are even more afraid to teach that evil and Satan exist.   Human sexuality is something that is no longer sacred or special, but something to be thrown around.  So many people are applauding decisions that basically tell God, sorry I don't like what you gave me, so I'm going to change it.  

We are afraid to teach many things but one of the ones that comes to mind is Marriage.  Marriage is a sacrament, a covenant between a man and a woman.  We tend to forget about Sodom and Gomorrah and that God destroyed them.  We are so afraid that we are going to hurt someone's feelings that we no longer teach the truth.  Yes it is a difficult topic to teach on but that's because the media has already blasted our children with what it thinks sexuality is.  Sexuality is much more than a person's gender, what a person wears, how they wear it, and how they act.  It breaks my heart that I come across as the mean and evil one because I am the one to say "gay 'marriage' is not marriage" I have to qualify the statement by restating Church teaching on how everyone is created in the image and likeness of God, and how we are all called to live celibate and chaste lifestyles if we are not married.  At least I know I am giving the teens actual Church teaching and I pray and hope that it sinks in or that eventually they will get it.  

The next comment that stuck out was this, which goes along with the above comments.  "We have gravely wounded the current generations. As a bishop, young people complained bitterly to me, “Why we were not taught these things. Why we were not more clearly taught about the Mass, Confession and traditional devotions?” These things matter for they form a spiritual life and a man’s character." 

I often look back on my childhood, which I am keenly aware wasn't all that long ago, and I see that my parents and teachers did teach me about devotions and other things in the Church.  I think, actually I know, God gave me graces as a child.  I often felt like I knew more about Mass than my peers and that could simply be because my parents took me to Mass every Sunday, no matter the weather. Seriously, we were like the post office, still are.  We do not teach devotions such as Adoration, novenas, the Rosary, Stations of the Cross and other Lenten devotions.  Christmas is all about how many presents we get and it's over in a day. We barely teach no meat on Fridays and why we do it and that it really should be all year long not just during Lent.

Mass is simply something we do when we feel like it, it's Christmas or Easter I have to go, it's what my parents want.  Confession is all but lost, no one feels or thinks they sin any more, but more on that later.  The comment "as the father goes, so does the family" comes to mind again.  I look at my parents, both Irish immigrants who attend Mass daily; they are far better than their daughter.  Dad doesn't or rarely misses a day, Mom is slightly more relaxed about it.  We have gravely wounded the current generations, my generation and the one that follows are so lost it's not even funny.  People don't ask me why I am Catholic, but anyone who knows me or gets to know me can tell that I wear my Catholicism on my sleeve.  I came to know and love my Catholic faith because of those that lived it out around me, and the majority of those people were priests that I met along the way.  We need to do more to teach the younger generation the devotions and traditions of the Catholic Church and how we do that is all part of the new evangelization movement.  

Here's the line that the media latched on to, but as normal have taken out of context.  

"The introduction of girl servers also led many boys to abandon altar service. Young boys don’t want to do things with girls. It’s just natural. The girls were also very good at altar service. So many boys drifted away over time. I want to emphasize that the practice of having exclusively boys as altar servers has nothing to do with inequality of women in the Church."  

I read this line and thought, "oh this actually makes sense."  My nephew plays with my niece, but they don't do the same things. They like to hang out with their friends, my niece with the girls and my nephew with the boys.  It is natural, boys and girls are different and we no longer teach that.  Society as a whole is completely into the whole let them explore themselves instead of saying, boys are boys and girls are girls.  We live in such an overtly sexual world that innocent comments are often taken out of context and misconstrued.

When we first moved to New Jersey, all the way from the Bronx, New York and I saw girls altar serving I was confused as I always thought and still do that it was a boy who served Mass.  I understand that there was an altar server shortage and girls were brought it, but it still seems strange to me. I am not a fan of girls as altar servers, but I understand that most masses would not be covered without the girls.  Some of my friends, boys and girls have altar served and I have no problem with it.  I have heard so many priests say my vocation began when I was an altar server, and I feel that altar serving is a door way to the priesthood.  Burke's comments seem so insignificant when compared to the rest of the interview.

I actually found an article written by a former altar girl who says it far better than I could or can.  Go read it.

The question asked of Cardinal Burke was "Your Eminence, what has been the impact of this Catholic “man-crisis” on the Church?"  Burke's immediate response was "The Church becomes very feminized. Women are wonderful, of course. They respond very naturally to the invitation to be active in the Church. Apart from the priest, the sanctuary has become full of women. The activities in the parish and even the liturgy have been influenced by women and have become so feminine in many places that men do not want to get involved." 

He then gives examples and then launches into the girls as altar servers thing.  He's right on any given Sunday, at least in my parish, the cantor is female, the lector is female and most often the altar servers are female, not to mention that the majority of the extraordinary Communion ministers are also female, thus leaving the priest as the loan male in the sanctuary.  My pastor knows that I will jump to help out as needed, and yes that part of me comes from my mom more than my dad, but dad gives of his time too.  Burke goes on to say that if it seems easy men won't do it, which I can see and honestly he would know better than I would on that one.  

A lot of what Cardinal Burke said could be said for men and/or women especially the next part that stuck out.  "We have to be very clear with men about purity, chastity, modesty and even the way men dress and present themselves. Men’s behaviors and dress matter, for it affects how they relate to the world and it affects the culture. Men need to dress and act like men in a way that is respectful to themselves, to women and to children."

Often when we think of purity, chastity and modesty we put it all on the female population. Very rarely do we hear that men need to dress modestly, now granted a man typically wears a shirt and pants no matter what, so it's easy to lay the blame on the female population as our clothing options are far more extensive and cover far less than male clothing.

Each individual is responsible for how they dress and for how they think and act.  Now there are some females and males who leave nothing to your imagination when they get dressed. As I tell my confirmation students when asked what to wear for the sacrament of Confirmation, "no popping out of your tops or bottoms" and granted it is usually said to the girls as the boys are told to wear a suit or pants, dress shirt and tie at the very least.  The sponsors are told the same thing too, but I don't have much control over them.

We have let our idea of purity go from something that was good and wholesome to something that it now considered old fashioned and not wanted; the same goes for chastity and modesty.  Trying to teach teens about either of those is like taking down a brick wall with only a regular hammer.  Chastity is yet another old fashioned idea that they don't want but desperately need.  Chastity is not the same thing as celibacy, but so many people think it is.  We are called to live chaste lifestyles and if we're not married that means we're supposed to be living a celibate lifestyle.

Society tells us the less clothing we wear, the sexier we are. Some people will say that a women wearing any type of shirt that has writing that happens to align or go across her chest is not modest.  So does that mean that a guy wearing a shirt with writing on it is being immodest.  There is a double standard here mainly because of the media and what they portray as being sexy.  We need to find a middle ground between the two extremes and explain why we should dress modestly.

If men dress better and more carefully and allow women to do the same society will change.  Men need to acknowledge the woman who dresses modestly as sexy not the woman who's showing off everything God gave her.  I was recently watching a show, granted it was a reality tv show but it still proves the point, where a husband was disheartened by his wife using her body, by posting pictures of her half naked, to make money for the family.  There has got to be something better than that for men and women.

It was them mentioned that  "One of the frequent themes in the New Emangelization Project research is that large numbers of men do not understand the Mass. Men think that the Mass is feminized and they don’t really understand the powerful manliness of the Mass. This is particularly true of a majority of Catholic men who are Casual Catholic Men, men who are casual about their faith. This is critical because if a man doesn’t understand the Mass he can’t tap into the supernatural graces that occur in the Mass. A man who doesn’t understand the Mass himself certainly can’t teach his children about the Mass."  

Cardinal Burke responded with "Yes. One way to re-engage men is to restore the dignity of the liturgy. Men will respond when they see a priest reverently acting in the name of Christ. Men will not respond when the priest is putting on a show about himself. Offering the Mass in a reverent way has always attracted men throughout the history of the Church. It does today. We need to catechize men about the profound realities of the Mass. As I mentioned, catechesis has been poor, especially the catechesis of men. Catechizing men and celebrating the Mass in a reverent way will make a big difference. It is also clear that many men will respond to the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite, the rite celebrated before the Vatican II Council reforms." 

I know Cardinal Burke is a fan of the Extraordinary Form he does say that neither form is better than the other, they are equal.  I have been to both forms of the Mass with the Novus Ordo, the ordinary from of the Mass in the vernacular, being the one I normally go to.  My experiences with the Extraordinary form have been special occasions, a wedding, a Church's anniversary, and a baptism, all wonderful in their own rights, but I'm more comfortable with the Novus Ordo, but that doesn't mean I'm against the Extraordinary form nor should any of us be, it is a beautiful liturgy.

Cardinal Burke is right, when anyone not just a man sees a priest reverently saying the Mass or acting in the Name of Christ they react differently.  I love my pastor dearly, but if you only see or focus on the one side that he seems to alway portray you'd really dislike him, hate is such a strong term, but I'm sure there are members of the parish that do hate him.  However if you watch our pastor say Mass or go to him for Confession, you see a completely different side of him.  The liturgist comes out at Mass, the human comes out at Confession but sides that he shows all the time to certain people.  When I watch him say the high holy Masses, Christmas, Easter, most especially the Triduum, it makes me fall in love with the priesthood and Catholicism all over again, every time.  This has nothing to do with him or me, but with God bestowing His graces on us.

I had to teach our parish RCIA program about the Mass a few weeks ago and I realized that those of us who go week after week so often simply go through the motions and don't understand and most often forget what it is that we are doing. There is so much in the Mass. I keep seeing this quote attributed to St. John Vianney "If we really understood the Mass, we would die of joy." This is quite true, if we truly understood the Mass, we'd realize that we are watching Heaven kiss Earth and that Heaven will be one very long and happy Mass.  I read Dr. Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper and it truly changed the way I saw Mass.  I was able to see how Biblical the Mass truly is.  I also started reading Mark Hart's Behold the Mystery: A Deeper Understanding of the Catholic Mass and while I'm only four chapters in but I love it.  Both books bring the Mass to a different level, both bring high theology to a low theology level.

We're back to the whole lack of catechizes in general not just to men.  We no longer teach what Mass is and why we need to God.  Mark Hart in his book constantly reminds us that Mass is not for God for but for us.  We no longer teach that missing Mass is a mortal sin. We need better ways to catechize the flock, those that are in the pews and those that are not in the pews.


Now the joy of being Catholic is that we have the sacrament of Confession, but we're lacking in that department too.  The comment and question was proposed "The Sacrament of Reconciliation has also been abandoned by the vast majority of Catholic men. Only 1 in 50 men go to Confession on a monthly basis. Some 80 percent of men don’t get to Confession even once a year. Combined with the epidemic of pornography, especially among young men, large numbers of Catholic men are in mortal sin. How can the Church reintroduce and emphasize the need for men to go to Confession?" 

The line that stuck out the most in that was "Some 80 percent of men don’t get to Confession even once a year." This is shocking, but not surprising.  Cardinal Burke's answer begins,  "Until men understand that there is Sin, and what Sin is, and that Sin offends God gravely, they will not go to Confession. Men need to have an encounter with God, with our Lord in the Sacrament of Penance to confess their Sins, express their sorrow, and receive His forgiveness. Men are not going to Confession today because there has been a denial of Sin. There was a period after Vatican II where many were promoting the idea that there weren’t any serious sins."

We no longer teach sin, so it's not a surprise that my generation and the one that follows think that sin doesn't exist or that it's okay to not go to Mass for any reason.  Very few realize that missing/skipping Mass puts them in a state of mortal sin, meaning they have completely cut themselves off from God.  We fail to teach about one's eternal soul, Heaven and Hell and where we can end up.   People are not going to Confession because we have failed in catechizing them.  Society has told people that sin and evil do not exist so it's no surprise that people think they don't need confession. We've been taught that we can just confess directly to God and now have to worry about it.  Much like the Mass, the Sacrament of Confession is not for God but for us.  Randomly on my facebook feed an article called Inside the Confessional: What's Is It Like for a Priest? so I read it and it like the books I read on the Mass allowed to see Confession differently.  I know that I don't go to Confession nearly as much as I should, but I do try to fulfill my "requirement" of once a year.  I was lucky that in college there was a retreat offered each semester, along with Penance services offered during Advent and Lent.  When I graduated I was lucky that my parish offered Penance services during Advent and Lent, the parish has sense taken the Lenten Penance service away as the Diocese offers the Sacrament of Confession every Monday during Lent.
So we can't say that the sacrament isn't offered.  Society still tells us that there are no serious sins.  Again I often become the bad guy for trying to teach actual Church teaching. Again, my hope is that something sinks in to the teens and adults that I teach.

The last question that was asked was "What concrete advice would you give to a priest to help him evangelize men and dramatically increase the involvement of men in a parish?" 

Cardinal Burke answered with, "First of all, be manly yourself. In other words, cultivate your own manly qualities, because the priest is first and foremost the spiritual father; he is a man. You need to have manly qualities of selflessness, chivalry and discipline to avoid situations improper for a priest. A priest must have the manly confidence and credibility to be a spiritual father to his flock, giving clear firm guidance with kindness and charity.  Secondly, I’d advise priests to give special attention to men and to look for ways to draw men into the life of the Church. It is easier to engage women because our sisters tend to be very generous and talented.   But the Church and each priest needs to make a determined effort to draw good Catholic men into whatever activities there are in the Church. It is essential to the New Evangelization." 

We tend to forget that our priests are human, just like us, they are not perfect.  At an evangelization directors meeting, the priest who was the Vicar of Evangelization at the time said that when he told pastors that "they were responsible for all the souls in their town not just the Catholics ones," that they would look at him like he was crazy.  What is said is true of all us, we're all responsible for each other, we should be worried about one another's souls.  In reading The Lamb's Supper I can across the line "Now, we can understand why we call priests "Father" and the pope our "Holy Father" - because they are other Christs, and Christ is the perfect image of the Father."  If we remember that our priests are our spiritual fathers, we might treat them differently.  So often I hear people complain about our priests in ways that one would never complain about their biological father.

I can hear the complaints now that the priests are paying more attention to men than to women, but Cardinal Burke brings up many great points in that while women are great for the Church and without our biological and spiritual mothers we would be lost.  We have lost our biological and spiritual fathers and we need to get them back.  So many times I can look back on my life and spiritual journey and see that yes, the sisters that taught me were wonderful and a great image for vocations, but more often it was the priests that I met that truly helped form me.

The Church not only has a man problem, but also a women problem, a people problem, and a secular media problem.  Cardinal Burke's comments are not in anyway offensive to women, but men should take note as should the women in the Church.

As the Father goes, so does the family; it would do us well to educate our young men and remind the rest of us of what Catholicism is really about.

An Interesting Conversation

As I type the title of this blog I have the voice of the "polish priest" from my parish in my head. Fr. Marek came as a temporary vicar while we awaited the arrival of our new pastor. Msgr. Martin McDonnell came to be our pastor this past Thursday, the feast of St. Joseph. Fr. Martin, is off the boat Irish as in was born and raised in Ireland, in the county next to the one my mom is from, which means dad's county isn't too far away either. Oh the "million dollar" question is how long will Fr. Marek be with us. So far he's still here, and it's honestly strange to have 3 priests in the parish again. There were originally 3 priests at the parish when my parents and I moved in and shortly after that just two which is what we have had for a while now. Fr. Martin said the 12:05pm Mass on Monday and Tuesday, and I was beginning to wondering of Fr. Marek was still around, well he is, he said the 12:05pm Mass on Wednesday. He was greatly amused that Mary, myself, was reading on the feast of Mary. He gave a very short homily, with his accent and sitting in the first pew of the church, it was hard to understand it fully. For some reason our microphone system causes hearing issues, well more being able to understand the speaker fully issues, in the first 5 pews.

Anyway, I was walking out after Mass and Fr. Marek stopped to say hi and then asked about the retreat (our Women's Cornerstone retreat was over the weekend) how it went, how team is picked. Then he asked what I studied, and I said I was a religious studies major at Seton Hall and that I was thinking of going back either for theology, nursing, or taking a campus ministry position. Somehow the topic of me taking over youth ministry at the parish came up, I pointed out that our youth minister, Jen, is quite capable and does a good job. The topic of young adult ministry came up as well and I said Fr. George, our former pastor knew that was my soap box issues, I said I'd talk to the new pastor once he got settled instead of bombarding him with the issue right now. We continued on with how I was a part of the youth ministry program under Fr. Geno who is now in charge of Evangelization for the Diocese. The main point of that conversation was that Fr. Geno might know his stuff, which he does, but how with the letters STD (from Rome) after his name his statements hold more clout. I mentioned that I run into that all the time by not having my Masters degree. I was told to go study and get the letters after my name and that I should get young adult ministry started at my parish.

The rest of the conversation involved Fr. Marek asking me "who's the young strapping man that sits next to you at Mass?" I said oh that's Jerry, we do youth ministry together. Fr. Marek responded with, "oh just youth ministry, nothing more." I said no, Jerry's a junior at Seton Hall and has a girlfriend. Fr. Marek very quickly offered a "we'll have to get rid of her." I said no, I like her, she can stay. I nearly added that there is a young man closer to my age that I like, but I didn't. I went out to my car and texted Jerry because that story was just too funny.

However Fr. Marek's comments got me thinking, and my drive out to Harrisburg almost 2 weeks ago, a nearly 6 hour drive total will get you thinking, especially when you usually take that drive with your friend and discuss your life with her. It got me thinking of do I ask Fr. Martin to create a position for Confirmation and Young Adult Ministry or do I just let Confirmation fall under religious education. Our youth minister is currently the confirmation director as well, but she's a week away from having her first child, so I'm pretty sure she's only coming back for youth ministry next year. If I could somehow manage a way to get the Confirmation director position, added in with young adult ministry and well pro-life ministry, it could warrant a "full-time" salary with benefits, and maybe the diocese could pay for my Masters degree. My only issue is how do I ask my parish to pay me.

I always come up with great scenarios and then just let it bypass me or settle or something else. The more I try to get away from ministry the more I get pulled into it. After the retreat, and then having 8th graders ask me questions about the Passion of the Christ (Mel Gibson's version) and being able to answer then without missing a beat and just having the other "teachers" stare at me reminded that I do know what I'm doing. I just hate having to use a damn textbook to teach it. I don't want to settle for a DRE position, I'd kill the majority of the parents out there for not giving a damn about being Catholic. I don't blame the kids, it's hard to when Mom and Dad don't do crap to show them how to be Catholic. I have 8th graders who hardly know the traditional prayers of the Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.

I hate when I get into this mood and don't know what to do with it. I'm reminded of how I wish to take the vocations stories of the priests that affected my life and put it into a book similar to Called by Name: The Inspiring Stories of 12 Men Who Became Catholic Priests by Dr. Christine Anne Mugridge, Jerry Usher.

I've been told I have a gift of writing. Fr. Brian heard my talk on the retreat and the first thing he said to me was "Catechism and personal stories, wow!" I've been giving retreat talks since I was in college, well high school, so it's almost second nature for me. I know it's a gift, I just wish I could use it more than I am.

Oh well I'm off to bed as I am going to visit my friend and her family in Albany today, about time my goddaughter got a visit from me.

Sometimes I wonder

Seriously, if you teens to be active in the parish and you want them to be good Catholics they need to be formed correctly. Yes it's nice to give them the "potter (as in someone who makes pottery, not harry)retreat" and other things but they need to be formed correctly! If they know what and Who the Eucharist is, they will come to love it, trust me I should know.

I've spent the last 6.5 years trying to figure out what to do with a BA in Religious Studies and wanting to do ministry in the Church, but I don't know anymore. I know where and what my gifts are, but no one seems to want them.

Sometimes I wonder was it worth changing from nursing to religion. All these issues wouldn't exist if I just stayed a nursing major or hell even if I kept up my Irish step dancing, I would be a TCRG aka teacher by now, but alas hindsight is 20/20.

I need a drink.

Part 4 of the Faith Journey

I went on a Women's Cornerstone Retreat at my parish this weekend and that will have to be a separate blog, but I did find it amusing that they spoke about faith journeys and what not. Ok so I'm up to the September 11th section, and I'm not kidding when I say I can't shorten this part of the story, for some reason it really affected me. I mention a retreat briefly before I get into the September 11th part. At this point I was bitten and swallowed by the retreat bug, and it bit me again this past weekend, but we shall see if the bite holds on.

During my last resident semester, which was my second to last semester at SHU I decided I needed a retreat away from my friends, like Youth 2000. I found myself back in Kearny, this time on the Living the Lord's Prayer Retreat. It was just what I needed, the ‘in between retreat’, moving away from the 'whoo-hoo Jesus loves me" retreats and heading towards a silent retreat. This retreat rocked, and was just what I needed at the time, I was able to reconnect with old friends and meet some new ones too. LTLP as it became know in the inner circle would become a major part of my life, as I was asked to be on team. Being on team began during my last semester at SHU. Our first meeting was on September 12, 2001, needless to say the day before in etched in my memory. Where was I on September 11^th…

I was finishing up my last semester at SHU, and like a good college student I managed to get most of my classes in the afternoon or evening, so I was in bed when my mom came in and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I thought what type of moron hits a building, thinking in my head it was a student pilot in a small plane. I got up and for some reason decided my car needed to be washed so that’s that I went and did I washed my car which didn’t take too long. I had 95.5 WPLJ on the radio, so ABC was updating me on what was happening. I remember how somber Scott and Todd were compared to their usual antics and my neighbor coming out saying a second plane had hit the towers. At this point, I thought what the hell! As I was cleaning the inside of the car I heard that one of the Towers had fallen, at point I quickly finished what I was doing and went inside to watch the TV. The memories of Jan. 19 just 1 year and 9 months before hand came rushing back. I was home away from my friends, while they were at Seton Hall, where I wanted to me. Much like Jan. 19 I was then glued to the TV to see what was happening.

September 11^th for my family has two meanings, two memories. See 9-1-1 is my brother’s wedding anniversary; he being the smart aleck that he is picked 9-1-1 so everyone would remember it, now it carries another meaning. At the time the majority of the extended family lived in NY, the Bronx and Queens, since most of them lived in NY most of them worked in NY, including my father and brother; Dad in the Bronx and Peter in Manhattan, thankfully nowhere near the Towers. September 11^th was a little closer to home than it needed to be, add in cops in the family and its closer and it got even closer as the days went on. Calls were made to see how the family was, they all came back clear everyone was safe. It would just take my dad 4 hours to get home instead of the usual 45mins and I don’t remember Peter’s trip I don’t, but I’m sure it took him awhile to get home. Bottom line is they got home safely.

The memories of the days following are jumbled; we went to St. Anthony’s that night for a prayer service. We, St. Anthony’s only lost one person, which surprised me as I assumed that more people from town would have worked in the City. I don’t know if it was at some point that day or the days that followed but we found out that one of my dad’s friends had lost his son. Dennis was a fire fighter and his funeral, well wake is one I will never forget. We also found out that one of our neighbors, John, from the Bronx had worked for Cantor Fitzgerald. John’s memorial Mass, seeing as there would be no body happened first. Other than the big picture of John and his newborn son in the front Mass went on as normal, with the addition of a eulogy or two. John’s Mass was a reunion of people my brother had gone to school with and people we knew from Church. The Mass was followed by a gathering in the downstairs gym. It reminded me of a Christmas Eve Mass instead of a Memorial Mass. At the gathering I heard a lot of, Little Mary no way, that’s not you. My response, yes it is, I’m even 21 now. The laughs would follow, so even though it was a sad occasion, John had managed to get people together that hadn’t seen each other in years.

Dennis’ wake on the other hand is something that would stand out more than a Memorial Mass, those were normal. Dennis was FDNY so needless to say the line into the funeral home was massive. In front of my parents and I was a member of a fire department from Rockland County. The line snaked it’s way into the funeral home, and familiar faces were seen on the line or in the funeral home, which is normal at any type of Irish gathering for my family. What struck me the most was that there was no body; it was truly a time for people to just be there for the family. I didn’t personally know Dennis, but when I saw the flowers that said Daddy you will always be our hero, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. Dennis left behind a wife, 2 young children. There was a picture of Dennis were the body normally is and I remember the man in front of us, who was a volunteer fire fighter was in dress uniform, stopped and saluted the picture. It was just strange and unreal at the same time. And most definitely something I will not forget. Those images are what will stay in my head, a wake without a body, a Memorial Mass for someone I had gone to visit with my brother many times as he lived down the street. That is why I won’t forget where I was on September 11^th; it was too close to home.

Now back to the retreat and being on team. Driving to the first retreat team meeting on 280 East was when it hit me that the skyline that I was so familiar with and almost took for granted was changed forever; it was empty, it was broken, and would never be the same. The following weekend the retreat team went to a service at Liberty State Park. To look across the river and see the empty spot, just took my breath away, it was still smoldering in parts. It was surreal to think of what had happened and little did we know how much it would affect our lives. Evil will not leave, the Evil one is not happy unless we’re not happy, so he makes things happen and God allows it because He gave us free will, but that doesn’t mean God sits back and just lets it happen, while thousands died and were injured that day, many were also spared and saved by being late to work or for a plane or by God’s grace of not being near the buildings. Needless to say with the proximity of the team meetings and our locations to NYC and September 11^th it became the topic of choice for a few talks. During these meetings I would develop a special relationship with one of my fellow team members, Brian, of whom I have given the living term, jackass, or the ass. I know a few guys named Brian so I have to distinguish, especially since two of them are priests. So, Jackass Brian brings my journey to the spot it is today, once of confusion, questions, and doubting.

Since I haven't really talked about Brian I'm going to have to sit down with the story and work with it, so it coherent and non repetitive. So I leave you here wondering why Brian is a jackass.

Faith Journey Part 3

So I stopped just before the Youth 2000 retreat, which I will explain in my actual faith journey story was what I needed at the time. The Steubenville trips were great in the summer, they covered setting you on fire for when you returned to campus. In February of 1998 I needed something to help make sense of what had happened the month before with Gary's death.

Another event that would shape my life was a Youth 2000 retreat in Kearny, NJ. I don't like the Kearny, ok I hate the Kearny retreat center, but it serves its purpose. I like retreat centers in the middle of nowhere, where it's just you and God. I went because Campus min was sponsoring those that wanted to go and I decided to give it a try. It was a strange experience for me, as I knew no one on the retreat. Youth 2000 is a wickedly awesome retreat run by the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. I have known the order since I was a kid in grammar school, so I trusted what they did. Youth 2000 is a retreat that covers a large age group, high school- young adult, and the whole focus of the weekend is on the Blessed Sacrament. It would be on this retreat where it would just hit me that, it’s Jesus; it really is God in that piece of bread. Don't ask me how it happened, it just happened, it just dawned on me after 18 years, that it IS JESUS in the Eucharist. Yep, God smacked me upside the head with that one, as I refer to it, “my smack from God.” From here I would begin to realize how important those Monday afternoon trips to St. Helena’s with my mother were, and from here would stem my love for Eucharist Adoration. I went to Youth 2000 because I wanted answers about Gary’s death, why he had to go so young, why would God do that, how could God do that. Those questions were not answered; what I got was much more that what I could have ever asked for. From this retreat, from the experience of having a priest walk through the gym with the Monstrance I felt God's love and came to know Him better. Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament became something I looked forward to. I often sit for hours in SHU's chapel because I wanted to, and sometimes because I had to.

My years at Seton continued in a pattern, fall semester meant back to RCIA, retreats, SHUFL, Student Ambassadors, CELEBRATE SCC, EMing, and other campus ministry and school events, Christmas break for which I'd be home and couldn't wait to get back to SHU. It's a far cry from my first semester, when I wanted to run home to St. Anthony's; now I wanted to be away from St. A's. St. Anthony’s just didn’t feel like home anymore, SHU did. Christmas break would end and I'd be back ‘home’ at SHU, spring semester would take place with my usual activities continuing from the fall semester. I switched majors from nursing to religious studies at the beginning of my sophomore year. This was one of those things that stemmed from Youth 2000 and Steubenville; I felt a calling to religious studies and went with it.

Life at SHU would continue in this normal pattern until one eventful morning in January 2000. I was sleeping as most college students do at 5am, we were back on campus a few days. The phone rang and my roommate and I thought who the hell calls us at 5am, what is wrong with them. It was my roommate's mom, asking if we were ok. We said were fine, but the words there was as fire on campus would stay with us. We looked out of our window and saw fire trucks and other emergency vehicles over by Boland Hall, assumed everything was under control and went back to sleep. A few hours later, the phone rings again, this time it was a friend, who asked, “what's going on up there, I hear 3 people are dead.” Those words woke us up and we turned on the TV, we usually turned on Fox 5’s morning show so that’s what we watched. I still remember how somber and sincere Jim Ryan was as he told the story. Seton Hall was all over the news. We got news throughout the day, the first bit being that the fire was on the 3^rd floor, which happened to be the floor we lived on as freshman. My exact thought was "Oh God no; no not again; I can't do this, that's where Todd lives." (Todd is Gary's brother). It was morning, and we were hungry so we went to get some food. Calls were made to friends on campus to make sure everyone one was ok, and to see who wanted to go to breakfast. The University understandably shut down for the day, and looking back on it, we were like a herd of freaking cattle moving back and forth between the Main Lounge, the Chapel and the cafe. The Main Lounge was where updates were given; the Chapel was for mass, and the café for food and just hanging out with friends.

When we came down for breakfast I saw as Todd and was happy that I had found him and knew he was ok, and thought. Before I could even think, “thank God,” I heard "Pete can't find his little brother". I knew deep down at the very moment that, Pete's brother was gone, but I held out every last bit of hope that he was still alive. The day continued with us going to the Main Lounge for updates, the Chapel for Mass, back to the Main Lounge, to the cafe for food. Throughout the day we would think of and find more people who lived in Boland, all expect for Pete's brother. Resident students were told to go home, as the campus would be shut down for the next few days. So we each found a way to go home, my friend Kelly lived in Albany, NY, and since she would be driving past my neighborhood, she drove me home. Kelly and I stopped by our friend Bridget’s house, mainly because Bridget as a commuter was away from all of us during the day. Kelly and I were headed home and we had SOU, Seton Hall’s crappy radio station because we were guaranteed updates. Around 7 they released the names of the kids who had died. We heard John Gu… and immediately turned around and found Bridget at her sister's house. We went back to Bridget’s house cried; found out the funeral arrangements and eventually we all went home.

The days that followed were sad ones, January 19th would the 2nd day in January that I would not like. John's funeral and Mass flashed me back to Gary's wake. This was not something I wanted to go through again, I didn't want to have to bury another person my age, but alas I had to. Here I got a part of my answer of how can this help you. Fr. Bill two years before had said, ask how, what can come from this. So I became the ‘you can get through it” person. I knew it hurt, that the pain will not leave, but it gets slightly easier to bear. Both days in January just send me into a dark place, of which I need to go every so often. Both events would change my life, would change my faith. And just because they are sad, doesn't mean that good weren't happening at the same time, these are just the events that stick out the most. One of the highlights for me would be the Easter Sacraments that took place each year after Easter. I would watch my candidates become fully Catholic, the whole RCIA process still brings tears to my eyes, happy tears, as others realize that they want to be Catholic and it just does my heart well to see so many people annoying the Evil One.

Life would continue in the normal college student fashion. Classes were going well; I had lots of friends and was having fun at college. Soon that fun could come to an end, as the dreaded graduation day approached. I wish to not remember my graduations from SHU, yes I did say graduations. Having known people graduating in the classes before me and participating in their “Mass of Academic Investiture”, I knew what to expect, but what would happen, I never expected. I never thought changing majors would come back to well, bite me in the ass. Long story short, as my friends received notices about caps and gowns I wonder why I wasn’t getting anything. Turns out I had 12 credits or 4 classes left before I could graduate. I had a full semesters worth of classes left, somehow this slipped past me and my advisor, though it slipping past my advisor is not too surprising. I was pissed, I had put in my 4 years, I had also failed a class or two, it’s what helped me change my major, as the science classes just weren’t holding my attention, but my religion classes were. So here I was at my graduation Mass, watching my friends graduate, without me. I walked in to serve as an Extraordinary Minister of the Eucharist and found Fr. Bill who said to me, “smile Red, you not smiling is unnerving, I don’t like it.” If Fr. Bill only knew how much that comment meant to me at the time and how much my friends and I use it.

I went back to SHU for my last semester which was honestly just me showing up for class and coming back home. I was no longer part of the RCIA program as I was basically told “it’s time to give others a chance.” What really happened was I said I wouldn’t stand up for my last candidate because I didn’t think she was ready to enter the church, and because I had the audacity to stand up for something I was asked to step down. Fr. Bill had been asked to return to parish life and without him Campus ministry and I weren’t getting along. So I was at St. Anthony’s for Mass, which was not what I wanted. I didn’t feel as if I fit in there. This would be the “what am I doing, what am I supposed to do” section of my faith journey.

I think I am going to stop at this point simply because the next section covers Sept. 11th and the events that were happening around it. As someone who spent her grammar school years in the Bronx, has family in the Bronx, has NYPD in the family, and whose father and brother both worked in New York at the time, September 11th was a bit closer to home than expected. For some reason I can't shorten the Sept. 11th story, I've tried but it just doesn't happen. Another thing that would happen would be my time spent with the Living the Lord's Prayer retreat and team. I would start a relationship with a man, and that's a whole blog in and of it's self. What follows after are my jobs and many other things that would make this section way too long. So I leave you with where I was at the time confused and looking for more.

Faith Journey part deux

So my time in college is when my faith really starts to develop, for my years in grammar and high school, I was really just following the motions of what was done before me and of what was expected of me. So college really was the first place for my faith to be tested, and challenged. All this took place at a "catholic" university no less. More on that later. In case you forgot where I left off, I had just returned from WYD in Paris.

Thus I began my Seton Hall days on a religious high and in a matter of seconds was taken off it. I moved in a week after everyone, classes had already started, and I had missed the first day of most of my classes. The director of campus ministry had sent a letter to me, granted Fr. Jim probably sent a form letter inviting all incoming freshmen to stop by campus ministry. Once again I heard my mom say, "He seems nice, go find that priest." Mom was right, Fr. Jim was nice, but it would not be Fr. Jim that I would connect to; it would be the nutty Irish one that was placed in the corner by the door, the 'young priest', Fr. Sheridan aka Fr. Bill.

I filled out the Campus Ministry survey card given to me during a class one day, and I checked off nearly every box; retreats, meetings, Small Christian Communities, being a lector, greeting at Mass, RCIA and whatnot. I handed in the card and left it at that. I did search out a group called Seton Hall United For Life (SHUFL) the pro-life club/organization on campus. Looking back I realize that I thought it was strange that a Catholic school would need a pro-life organization, shouldn’t the whole campus be pro-life, little did I know that this little organization would help shape my faith and life and how many times I would continue to ask myself the question, “aren’t we Catholic?” This begins the "I need to find my faith section of my life." My first semester at SHU seemed ok; I was home most weekends so I still had my Fr. Geno (FG) Masses. I missed being home; I missed being a part of my St. Anthony's family, but things would soon change there.

At some point during the first few weeks of the semester, Pete, the grad assistant for Campus Ministry would invite my future roommate and I to a Small Christian Communities (SCC) meeting. There we sat all 7 of us around a table, a long rectangle, not a normal square or circle table, but one of those long ass board room tables. Long story short there was a knock on the door and in blew, and I mean blew Fr. Bill. Here was this young priest in regular clothes; you know jeans and a t-shirt. I thought, wow, “another crazy priest”, as Fr. Bill reminded me of Fr. Geno and well SCC aka Small Christian Communities was starting off the way youth group did, small and with 7 people. Thus began my Campus Ministry journey.

Let me add that these two priests would shape my life more than I or them probably realized at the time. Fr. Geno on a retreat before my senior year, "you're going to be the loud one next year." I honestly thought the man was nuts, I still do, but that push was all I needed to get out of my shell somewhat, I'm still working on it, but when people want to know why I am the way I am, I just say "blame Fr. Geno." Seriously, since that comment I have watched myself say and do things to defend the Church that I don't know if I would have been able to without that push to be the "loud one." I only mention FG here, because as you'll see Fr. Bill is mentioned throughout the college years. Back to our regularly scheduled rundown of my faith journey.

Walking into the cafeteria one day I was greeted at the door by “Rocky” asking me, “you ever been on a retreat?” The rest of the conversation when like this: me: “yes, Rocky.” Rocky: “good you're going on one again.” Fr. Bill happened to be standing next to Rocky and after they “twisted my arm” I was going on my first SHU retreat. On the retreat I would see just how similar FG and Fr. Bill were in style, and that Fr. Bill and I have a common background and interests. It was on the retreat that I would meet more friends and other like me. The campus ministry retreats would shape my life in many ways, allowing me to find my gifts and talents for retreat talks and planning retreats and other events, and some of them led to my evil ways, such as the Ron & Mary room from one retreat. Fr. Bill had asked Ron to type up/create the tags for the rooms, and I happened to walk in to Campus Ministry when Ron was doing this, and something inspired us to make a Ron & Mary room. I can still hear Fr. Bill in the hallway of the Ringwood retreat center, “RON! (elongated pause) MARY!” This little room incident would show me that you always need to have a sense of humor and the ability to laugh as things can go crazy in a matter of seconds.

Because of that post card that I filled out for Campus Ministry, I got a call from Renee asking if I wanted to be a part of the RCIA process as a sponsor. I said sure, all that was required of me was to attend an hour long class with my candidate and Mass on Sunday with the RCIA group. The Mass happened to be Fr. Bill's Mass, and I had learned from the Wednesday Masses, that I like Fr. Bill's Masses. I was roped into the Wednesday Masses by SHUFL, a group of about 4 or 5 people who think abortion /is wrong, it’s also where I met most of my friends at SHU. It still amuses me that on a Catholic campus the most we would get for the pro-life organization was 10 people. SHFUL met weekly on Wednesdays, and once a month met after the 12pm Mass to say the Rosary on the Green. This was introduction to Fr. Bill's masses, I liked them, and Adoration followed Mass on Wednesday which becomes more important later on. God works with what we give Him, so He has to hit me upside the head before I get it.

Back to the post card and RCIA; there I was sitting in these classes as a sponsor, which meant I should know how to be Catholic, I was confirmed after all. I sat there and was dumbfounded that I couldn't remember the Corporal works of mercy, shhh, I probably still can't name them all, but that's not the point. The point is that I used to know all of them, all the things used at Mass, all the Vestments that the priest wore, and lots of other things. I did have Catholic grammar school education; I wanted to know where all that knowledge went; why I didn’t remember all of this stuff. Old age hadn't set in yet, I wanted to know how I had forgotten it. I didn’t really forget it, it just got shifted to the back part of my brain as I didn't need religion knowledge anymore, I was from a public high school, no religion class there. Youth group helped me be religious, and reminded me how to live life, but I was floored that I had forgotten all my religion class info. I soon found out that I didn't forget it, so what if I can't name everything, I can for the most part, I was learning to live my life as a Catholic and not just go through the motions and call myself Catholic and not do anything. Youth group had shown me that being 'religious' could be fun and well now I was beginning to see, how being 'religious' would be a part of my life. The rest of my first semester continued on nicely, and soon it was time to come home for Christmas. I was happily back at St. Anthony's; I was back home, but SHU was growing on me little by little, as it does.

The following would be the moment I could describe as my "conversion moment" or my "aha moment" as Oprah calls it. I wouldn't realize just yet what was happening to me or around me until much later, and still today I wonder why it happened. My answer is usually "if it happened to teach my to love my faith and make me love the Catholic Church, then so be it, after all God does know what He is doing."

Over Christmas break I joined the college group at St. Anthony's on a ski trip to the Poconos. On the trip we re-lived some memories of youth group and some of us had to be told how to use a sled by a mother who was sledding with her child, who helped out the group of college students who were standing there trying to figure out what to do, she nicely told us we had the sleds upside down. I can only imagine the conversation she had about us later on. The nights of the trip were spent doing good old youth group stuff: music, prayer, Confession, games and just plain old bs-ing. This trip holds more memories than I realized, the conversations in Burger King about lacrosse being better than rugby, cards games and busting each other’s chops in one of our rooms, and little did I know it would be the last time that particular group would get together. It was soon time to return back to SHU and I was actually happy to be going back. The SHUFL trip to the March for Life was coming up, this would be a first for me, and the RCIA retreat was coming up too. So things were looking good and I was happy.

It may seem strange to have such a secular event in my faith journey, but so much happened in January of 1998, that the ski trip of December 1997 would be ingrained in my memory as a last of sorts. The ski trip is not the conversion moment, but what follows is, and despite how many times I have spoken about it and written about it, it still send a knife through my heart.

The March for Life took place, the RCIA retreat took place, it was a busy weekend for me so I stayed at SHU, there was no reason to come home just for a few hours on Sunday or so I thought. The Sunday after the March and retreat, I received a phone call that would change my life. It was January 25, 1998; the words, "Gary was killed in a car accident last night" still send a shiver down my spine and tears to my eyes. I wanted to be home, I had to be home, I wanted to be back at St. A's with my friends, I wanted to back on that ski trip with Gary and everyone else, because it was normal and not even a month away. I called some friends to make sure they knew, and then I called home from the hallway as to not disturb my roommate. So my dad came to get me and I don't even remember if I made it to Mass, I'm sure I did, I’m pretty sure we had Mass on the retreat. Anyway, I didn't know what to do; all I wanted to do was to be home, at St. Anthony's. Fr. Geno had a prayer service that night at St. A’s, and the first thing that happened was hugs, just hugs and tears on the steps of St. A’s. I remember St. A's that night was packed with people I went to high school with, some faces I had never seen in church. FG managed a way to comfort all of us, and I returned to SHU in a very confused state of mind. I would return home later on during the week to say good-bye at the wake, where the line was wrapped around the parking lot, the whole thing sill vivid in my mind even when I go to another funeral at Browning-Forshay, I still think, man Gary had both rooms and it still wasn't enough to hold us. Now that's a sign of love, the funeral home wasn't big enough to hold everyone.

Here would begin my “what the hell am I doing” stage of my faith. For the first time in my life I would question God, His motives, and wonder why I was Catholic. Gary's death threw me for a loop; I had never been to a funeral of someone my age, let alone a friend before. I had known of friends of a friend who died tragically, but I didn’t know them personally, so it didn’t affect me too much. Now I was away from St. Anthony's where I wanted to be, where I felt safe, and where I knew I wasn't the only one feeling sad. Alas, I had to head back to SHU, even though I didn’t really want to, live for me had to continue on. I hid my thoughts and pain from most of my friends at SHU, because there honestly was nothing they could do for me, and honestly it was only the 2^nd semester for most of us, so we were still adjusting to college life. Fr. Bill somehow could see through me, or I was able to be completely open and honest with him. I remember sitting in his office, asking, “where's my faith, how could this happen, why did this happen?” Father's response was, “don't ask why, ask how, what can come from this?” I honestly thought Fr. Bill was crazy, but I trusted him, and I did take his advice. Sounds like what I said about another priest before. That piece of advice comes up to this day when I have to deal with something out of the ordinary. That spring semester, I would do things I never thought I would do; join a sorority and drink but it, drinking, didn't bother me too much. I was a legal adult at 18, and promised myself I’d never get drunk, as it was a drunk driver that killed Gary. To this day I know my limits with alcohol and stick to them. I would find myself at Adoration on Wednesdays, it helped that I signed up to spend an hour at Adoration. There were some weeks where I did more praying than others, and some weeks when I did no praying, there were times where I yelled at God inside my brain, and weeks when I would just write stuff down in a journal. Something was happening here and I didn't know what, yet. Again God works with that you give Him, and I’m as stubborn as they come, slowly He was bringing me to Him and His Son in the Most Blessed Sacrament.

Now I can't leave you with such a down part of my faith journey, so I'll end with my thoughts on what I consider to be a wonderfully Catholic University, Franciscan University of Steubenville. Again I state God works with what we give Him, and Steuvenville would be a light in the darkness for me.

Summer flew past, as I spent most of it working as a member of the custodial staff of a NYC public high school where my dad work as part of the custodial staff, so when they needed people to help clean in the summer, the employees’ children were given preference. Despite working most days from 6am-3pm, cleaning up after some nasty students and teachers I was able find time to venture with Campus Ministry to this place called Franciscan University of Steubenville. My mom at some point during my first year at SHU mentioned this Franciscan College to me, she had probably heard of it from EWTN, after all it’s either EWTN or QVC that she has on. Sure enough I found myself on a bus ride out to Steubenville, and when I returned I said, “MOM, WHY didn't you tell me about Steubenville before, it's awesome!” I didn't transfer to Steubenville though I thought about it for a few minutes; I stayed at SHU, because God had plans for me there. Franciscan University will probably come in later, after God smacks me upside the head a few more times with the idea of going there, or of doing Distance Learning for a class or two to see what it’s like.

The conferences at Steubenville, would find the closest charismatic in me, and also help me find the traditionalist in me. A charismatic traditionalist, there's something you don't hear about every day. Steubenville would be where my love of Catholic t-shirts would come about, and I certainly have a decent collection of them, and when I wear them I always get nice comments on them. I remember sitting at Mass on the first day of the conference seeing all of these shirts that had THE EUCHARIST on the back. I thought what the hell are they wearing? I soon found my Top Ten Reasons to Stay Roman Catholic tee and I still have it and love it. :) I would go on to find Dr. Scott Hahn and his writings there as well. He is one of my favorite Catholic writers because his books aren't these massive theological books, but books the normal person can read, yet are full of theology. I would also find Jeff Cavins there, and from the looks of it, I’ll be using his Bible study at my parish, so I’m sure Jeff will help shape my faith too. Steubenville would show me that being Catholic was cool, and that I wasn't alone in it. Other events helped with this too, but I always looked forward to my trips to Steubenville, they are the only school that I know of when they call for money and even if you say no, I can't afford anything right now; they say "Do you have any prayer requests?" Yeah, I still wonder why I never went there.

There's more to say about Steubenville, but I don't know where to start. I'm hoping to go to the Bible Conference (maybe I can convince my parish to pay for that one, but that requires me having the courage to admit I don't have enough money, though I probably do, to go on it) and the Defending the Faith Conference. As you will see I am a proponent of Young Adult Ministry, but it needs to be done right. My parish is a wonderful place, but it needs help in some places, again it takes me having the courage to speak up to my Pastor, and the Holy Spirit keeping the two of us open to each others comments. At. Steubenville I would experience what I think is what a Catholic University should be. I understand that you don't need a Perpetual Adoration chapel or a memorial to the unborn on your campus to make you Catholic, but the school should act Catholic and not forget that it is Catholic. Don't get me wrong I loved my time at Seton Hall, but like most Catholic Colleges and University it needs prayers and work, and I believe that SHU is changing, slowly. The conferences at Franciscan would show me a different side of me, a side that I didn't know existed, the "Bible thumpin', pew jumpin', hands in the air Catholic" as a member of the RCIA program would call us. There is no way to actually explain what Fransiscan University has done for me, and that's only through 3 young adult conferences, and I understand that the classroom is completely different, but I have a feeling I'll be there for my graduate studies, since it seems that SHU's grad school and I are not meant to be.

I'll leave you off here, to come back later when I talk about Youth 2000 and CFRs.

Faith Journey

Since this covers 28 years, I guess I should split it into sections. Last night I was going through some of my writings on my computer and found the one titled "My Faith Journey" and decided to read it. It was inspired by our pastoral staff writing about their journeys to their vocations in religious life. I decided to write about my own vocation to "religious life" considering that we are all called to religious. I wrote it some time in 2006, so a fair bit of it is missing, and I'll add it in, I just don't know if I'm ready to talk about all the stuff that happened in 2 years, and trust me, a boat load of stuff has happened. Any way let's begin, at least I can cover the grammar and high school school years, seeing as a whole lot didn't happened then. ;)

It all started 28 years ago on Dec. 11th, when I was born into this wonderful world. On Dec.12th I entered my life as a Catholic. I was an emergency baptism as I only weighed 3lbs. 15 1/2 ozs. Thus my journey to 'religious life' began. I spent the first month of my life in a hospital with all sorts of needles sticking out of me and other such fun stuff; thankfully I don't remember any of it. I can only assume that my life continued as that of any young, Irish, American, Catholic child: Mass on Sunday, Mom and Dad teaching me the basics of life and of being a Catholic. I remember going to Mass as a child, being on my best behavior, being able to stand on the kneeler, and no toys were allowed. There was no children's church, you dealt with whatever priest you got, whether you liked him or not. We had something called a children's Mass, but if I remember correctly that was a Mass in the gym and it was probably more of a teen/young adult Mass than a children's Mass. Maybe I'm combining memories of a few Masses, but the overall point is we weren't taken out of the Church.

My early life was shaped by my family: mom, dad and my brother, and well the aunts, uncles and cousins too. Being a fair bit younger than most of them, I didn't experience as many sacraments as I could have, but there were enough Communions, Confirmations, and weddings that I can remember a good few of them.

It was soon time for me to go to school, I remember mom calling different Catholic schools, looking to get me in. We tired our home parish, but they for some reason didn't want me so I ended up at Sacred Heart Private School, which was run by the ASCJ sisters, the Apostles of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, unfortunately it’s closing at the end of this school year. It would be in these hallowed halls of the "little school with the big heart" that my vocation to "religious life" would begin.

Here the sisters would provide many things for us to do, First Friday Masses, plays, glee club aka the choir, liturgical ministries, prayer services were among the many school activities. While Mom and Dad laid the basics of the faith, the Sisters took what was there and built upon it. I read at Mass, sang in the choir, helped out around the school. These nuns hold a dear spot in my heart, especially after seeing the mother house in Rome, and because there were my first experience with “religious life.”

It would be at Sacred Heart that I would complete my initiation into the Catholic Church by making my First Holy Communion and being confirmed by Bishop Sheridan. I spent 9 years at Sacred Heart getting a great Catholic education which I wouldn't see until much later. Finally that day of freedom came and my class of 22 graduated in June of 1993. Amid tears of joy and happiness I said good bye to friends and to New York as it was time for me to move to New Jersey.

Yeah, I had moved to NJ that other state that my cousins lived in and I was happy until high school began. Those wonderful halls of Hawthorne High weren't friendly at first. See I do not like the fact that most of the kids in Hawthorne have made their friends/groups before they enter high school thanks to that wonderful thing called middle school. So there I was the outsider, the girl with the funny accent, trying to find her way in a school she didn't really like. There was a shining light though, for the first time in my life, I had met a man who had just become a priest. In New York the priests had been at our church since I was born, so they all seemed old to me. Deacon Geno was assigned to our parish and was ordained in Aug. 1993 becoming Fr. Geno or FG as, he was more commonly known. I thought there is no way, he's a priest; he's too young. Little did I know how much this young priest would shape my life.

For a year my mom told me, (Irish accent needed) "You should go to youth group, Fr. Geno seems like such a nice young priest." So finally one Sunday night in September of 1994, I caved, I set foot inside the newly 'ordained' youth room, and much to my surprise I actually liked being there. I met new friends, people I went to high school with, whom I never thought I'd speak to. Here began my 'oh being religious can be fun' stage of life. Through youth group I found myself doing things that I did in grammar school, I was part of our 'teen music ministry', I was a lector in the parish and over all having fun each Sunday night while learning about my faith. I wasn't using books to learn, because I had that book knowledge, I needed what would later be called "heart knowledge" by another priest who has shaped my life.

For 3 years I rarely missed a youth group meeting or outing. Finally, that dreaded day of graduation came, actually it wasn't dreaded; I looked forward to graduating from High school and moving on to college, but I knew I would miss youth group. For 4 years, Fr. Geno showed me that religion wasn't this un-cool thing. I was shown that religion was ok, and a cool teenage thing to do. The one thing I didn't like was that I was leaving youth group and facing down another new school. I didn't want to leave youth group, I had grown accustomed to hanging out on Sunday nights, singing songs, and having fun. I was now leaving all of that behind to go to Seton Hall. I believe Mike put it best on our senior retreat, "what will FG do without us next year?" My comment should have been “what am I going to do without youth group?”

My life with youth group wouldn't end with that retreat as I had one final trip left, Paris/World Youth Day (WYD). It would be on the streets of France that I would see differences between me and other teens on the trip. I had known from day 1 of the meetings, that this would not be an 'easy' trip. I knew it involved crappy food and whatnot; it was called a ‘pilgrimage’ for a reason. It would on this trip that I would thank FG for being whom and what he is. I told him at one point toward the end of the trip, I'm here to see the Pope, and that's it. He laughed, and said thanks. I knew he knew that I truly meant it, and I think it helped him to know that at least one person wasn’t there for Paris, but for something else, JP2.

At a WYD event while looking at JP2 on the big TV screen I wondered why these crazy European ladies next to me were crying like babies looking at him on TV, it was no different than watching it from home. I would later become one of those crazy ladies, many times, but for now it was a strange sight, that I couldn't figure out. Was I moved to see the Pope, aka the little white dot, yes, I was, but not to tears. I didn't cry on that trip until the last night when FG got the St. Anthony's group together and said "we say good-bye to Mary as she heads off to college." It hit me like a bullet that I was leaving youth group. I knew he didn't really mean good-bye, but I was saying good-bye to what I had come accustomed to for the past 3 years on Sunday nights and other events, like the feast, retreats, Masses, and other things where I was with people who shared my attraction to 'religion' and the unknown of college was a scary thought.

I'll end here with college, because it would be at college where my faith would "change", it would be challenged, confused, and all sorts of things. Those 4.5 years shape my life into what it is today, and to add them in here would just make this post super long.

Prayer for Vocations

Something prompted me to type up the prayer for vocations that Bishop Serratelli wrote for the Diocese of Paterson, feel free to change the words "local Church of Paterson" to whatever Diocese you may belong to, or just pay for vocations to my local Church of Paterson.

Father, in the fullness of time,
you sent your Son, born of the Virgin Mary,
to be our Savior.
He preached the good new of our salvation,
healed the sick and cast out evil.
Now as crucified and risen Lord,
he pours out on us the Hoy Spirit of adoption,
making us your sons and daughters.
Through the church,
he calls us to accept the gospel
and to share in your own divine life.
Jesus is the Way, The Truth, an the Life for all people.

In Your mercy, you do not abandon us.
In every age,
you raise up men and women
to ofter their lives for the sake of the gospel
and the work of the Church.
We beg you, therefore,
grant to this local Church of Paterson
an increase of vocations
to the priesthood and religious life.
Give us courageous and faith men
to serve as worthy priests.
Bless us with generous and zealous
men and women willing seek holiness
in consecrated life.
Maye we rejoice in an abundance
of vocations from our families so that we
may yield a rich harvest of good works
for your honor and glory.
We ask this in the mane of Jesus who lives and reigns
with you and the Holy Spirit, One God, forever and ever.

+Most Reverend Arthur J. Serratelli, S.T.D.,S.S.L.,D.D
Bishop of Paterson

and with that the Holiest of Seasons begins

So tonight begins, well last night technically, as it is past midnight, therefore making it Good Friday, the holiest of seasons, the Easter Triduum. Hearing the Gloria for the first time in 40 days and having happier music made me smile from ear to ear. Fr. Brian gave a wicked homily, and I wish I had a tape recorder so I could listen to it again. He went right with the Rubrics aka the rule book for Mass and spoke about the institution of the Eucharist, the institution of the Priesthood/holy orders, and charity/brotherhood of Jesus. Told ya he took it right from the Rubrics, he told us himself.

Fr. Brian spoke of Fr. Cantalamessa aka the preacher to the Papal household, as Fr. Brian said, that's something I want on my business card, not that where I am now isn't important, but really preacher to the Papal household. Having read Fr. Cantalamessa's Mary: Mirror of the Church and used in in my senior thesis, I knew the comment would be good. Alas, the comment I am thinking of didn't come from Fr. Cantalamessa, I can't remember the comment from him and that sucks for me, I think it had something to do with the priesthood, but alas I do not remember. It was a good comment I just don't remember it.

The comment I am thinking of came from some theologian from Notre Dame, I probably remember it because I thought "oh man Notre Dame, hope it's correct." I am fully aware that is the wrong way to think, but I did, so forgive me, it's what Jesus would/will do. Anyway, the comment was about the Sacred Triduum being about mystery not history. Mainly because the historical events of the Triduum can not take place again. Again my brain went to, "ummm yeah it does, every Mass is the re-presentation of the sacrifice of Calvary, so therefore it takes place again, albeit the un-bloody version of the sacrifice. It being said makes sense, but I tend to be literal in the Triduum, in the whole idea that Jesus isn't in the Church even though He's just hiding out in a different spot instead of the tabernacle. To me every Good Friday Jesus dies again, He goes down to Hell and on Easter Saturday night at the vigil He rises. I agree that we can never be in the Garden, on the Cross or in the Tomb with Jesus again, we are celebrating the mystery and that is what makes the Sacred Season so awesome.

Fr. Brian spoke about the institution of the Eucharist, and how we as Catholics are taught to believe that it is Christ's Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Holy Eucharist. He mentioned that is also a mystery and that we can receive Communion until we are "blue in the face" but until we accept the mystery into our lives and try to live it out, it's almost pointless. He of course went right in the the institution of the Priesthood/holy orders. Fr. Brian mention that behind him the ordained ministers of Deacons and Priest had over 90 years combined of service to the church. He spoke about each man, Deacon Jerry with his 9 years, Deacons George and Tony with their 13 years and our "Archdeacon" Dick with 22 years of service and of Msgr. George with is 27 years of service. Each man does a different ministry, each an important ministry, feeding the poor via the social services ministry, hospility and burying the dead, and comforting the sorrowfull, teaching CCD and pre-cana, Baptismal prep, and well just about everything under the sun that a priest could do, Msgr. has done it. Fr. Brian decided that his not even 5 years of service couldn't compare to his fellow priest and deacons.

I beg to differ in the 6 months that I have known Fr. Brian, I keep thinking, as much I loved Fr. Kevin, I love Fr. Brian and he reminds me of well me, and to some that is strange, but I know that Fr. Brian will not mess with the Rubrics, is very pro-life and very much wants to get something started. He's also a fan of youth and young adult ministry. Like I said he reminds me of me, and it does me good to have a man like him at my parish. Fr. Brian mentioned that through charity we are all called to partake in Christ's priesthood, we are all called to the things these men and their wives have been doing for the past 20 years.

Very rarely do I remember more than one aspect of the homily, so I took the opportunity to blog about it.

Mass itself was beautiful as usually, I would expect no less from a man who won't veer from the Rubrics. There are nit-picky issues that I have, which would be women having their feet washed, I've never agreed with that, as the Gospel reading once you get past Judas being the betrayer being read for at least the third time this week, speaks of Jesus washing the feet of the Apostles, and last time I checked those were 12 guys. I think if Jesus washed His mother's feet that one of the Gospel writers would have written that down. Alas I can really overlook that and move on until next year.

This year as in the past when the priest is processing around the Church with the Blessed Sacrament to move Jesus to the "garden" liturgical ministers are invited to partake in the procession. I never partake because I'd just rather kneel as Jesus passes me by instead of walking around church, the focus is supposed to be on Jesus not those of us behind Him. I partook this year, mainly because our Pastoral Associate, was sitting next to my parents and wouldn't let me sit or kneel. The whole time we walked around the Church, I kept thinking I want to do this on my knees, and for some reason my right knee, the knee on which my ACL was repaired, was sore as hell throughout the walk, I couldn't wait to get back to my seat. As I made my way back to my seat, the usual screwing up of the verses happened. Without fail the choir and the cantor sing a different verse of Pange Lingua/Tantum Ergo. My understanding is that as soon as the Blessed Sacrament hits the altar steps, which means the altar servers, that we start Tantum Ergo, which is what our cantor did. I laughed because I thought, every year this happens, have you not figured it out yet. Again something I eventually get over until the next time it happens.

What bugged me this year was the forcing me to partake in the procession around Church, it's just not me. In the long run it's not that big of a deal, but it just erks me that some people force on you what they think should be done.

What I love about Holy Thursday night is our version of Adoration, Jesus is hanging out in the "garden" put simply He is moved to a tabernacle that is surrounded by flowers thereby making it the Garden in which Jesus has asked his Apostles to pray and where He is betrayed. Normally I stay from the end of Mass say 9pm until the end at 11:45pm, this year I helped out with the decorating of the gym for our overflow Mass at 12:15pm for Easter Sunday, which was funny because this will be my 6th Mass in the gym so you would think I know where things go, but alas I don't always know everything, it worked out in the long run.

So I came home for about 10 mintues just long enough to eat some toaster strudels so I wasn't starving on my day of fast on Good Friday. I tend to not eat, expect for one big meal, much to the disliking of my mother. I went back to Church for some time with Jesus. Fr. aka Msgr. George had a new cd for Adoration, but it must have stopped at some point because it wasn't on when I went into church. I took that as the ok to turn my iPod on in one ear (the ear away from my mother) so I could listen to some of Matt Maher's songs like his Litany, I Love You Lord, and Adoration, all quite appropriate for Adoration. Once those were over I put the iPod away and proceeded to try and meditate or least get myself into a one on one conversation with God. It's hard to do with all the different noises around, but it works for the most part.

While sitting at Adoration, I kept thinking of a book I just read about how 12 guys became priests, and I thought, how cool would it be to know the stories of 12 priests who have touched my life and how they became priests. I thought at first oh 12's a lot, well I had 7 within seconds. Fr. Brian, Fr. George, Fr. Kevin, Fr. Geno, Fr. Bill, my other Fr. Brian, then I added Bishop Serratelli, Fr. Devin (a priest from my youth), Fr. Jim from SHU's campus ministry, Fr. Deneheny, (I totally got the spelling wrong, but oh well), that's 10 right there, Fr. Brando makes 11, and I can't think of whom I thought of in church, but Fr. Jim from Montclair's campus ministry is coming to mind since I just read his homily blog. So that's 12 right there, I'm thinking that would a great vocations tool, to have the story of 12 ordinary guys and their vocations. I don't care if they are just men, really anyone's story of a vocation will influence one discerning a vocation. St. A's tried something like that before, but I don't know if it worked to well, might be worth looking into.

The idea of writing/editing a book has long been on my mind, but I never really didn't anything about it. Maybe now is the time to do so. Maybe that's my vocation, to foster vocations. I've always said, I'd gladly give all of my sons to the priesthood, should God grace me with marriage and children.