Obviously the good stuff comes from God and the bad from the Devil. I know full well that fear and anxiety come from the Devil. We always talk about how God allows bad things to happen but we so often forget and refuse to talk about the influence of evil and the Devil on and in society. I am also fully aware that being inside my own head is the worst place to be. While I am usually happy I will always assume the worst will happen. “Wait for the storm to pass” I literally wrote what if that storm never seems to pass, what if it goes on for years? “When our soul is ‘sick’ something is off, God allows us to feel distant from Him only to evoke the instinctual desire to return to Him and His consolation.” I remember whe I first learned about Dark Nights of the Soul and how so many people acted like it wasn’t a real thing. It’s a game changer when one of your theology professors acts like something that is real isn’t. It was explained to me by someone that Dark Nights come about because God has shown us the top of the mountain and we see it in all it’s light and that the Dark Night is when we have slid down the mountain and the light isn’t as bright. At least I think that was how it was explained. At the time and still today it makes sense to me. Am I climbing back up that mountain, of course, and every so often that Light breaks through to remind me why I am climbing but then the Darkness returns and one is left to wonder again. So yeah I am living out that statement and I know discernment and the life of a Catholic is not supposed to be easy.
There’s a set of questions in the reflection:
Have I committed a mortal sin or grown lazy in prayer? I’m going to separate these into two questions because being lazy isn’t a mortal sin as far as I know. This is where the scrupulous person in me comes out, I don’t think I have committed a mortal sin, but have I and then just made it worse by adding to it. Yeah I know I need to go to confession. Grown lazy in prayer, I mean that’s a yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a why am I going through the motions of reading and saying the words if nothing seems to be happening. When things at work got crazy I would always think “what would that have been like if I didn’t say Morning Prayer?”
Have I stopped going to Mass or receiving the Sacraments? The quick answer is no. Mass is my ‘safe space’ for lack of better terms, it’s where I can be myself and not worry. I do the minimum so Confession is usually once a year, I know, I know I should go more. See the idea of how scrupulous can I be comes into play.
What materials have I been putting into my body? This one made me laugh because I’m like I’m not doing anything illegal but yeah I could totally eat better and cut the alcohol consumption down. The cliche of you are what you eat comes to mind, yeah I know the less garbage I put into myself the better I will be.
Have I been gossiping or allowing a spirit of negativity to dominate my thoughts? I try not to gossip it’s probably why people look over me for things. I’m am totally of the I don’t need to know and if you want me to know just tell me. Does this mean I don’t talk to people, no, but I am not going to be oh tell me what’s happening. ‘Spirit of negativity’ I guess I could say yes to that one considering I always assume and think the worst.
Have I been watching pornography or movies that degrade the human person? No, but it is kind of hard to find a movie or show that doesn’t degrade the human body. Society in general has become more complacent with things.
So looking at those questions I do could with bettering myself and availing of the sacraments that are available.
Bobby does mention the Dark Night and I am glad he did, as most people don’t mention it as they understand it. I don’t know if I would call it a “gift” but I do appreciate the explanation of what St. John of the Cross said “gift that allows our soul to be stripped to the point where God alone can shine.” I don’t know if I have it in me to read Dark Night of a Soul, even my spiritual director in college wasn’t allowed to read it. Granted I am a lot older now so I should be able to handle it. He speaks of having a support system and I do have a select group of friends that get told everything.
Think back on a time when you were in a state of desolation. Describe how that felt and what you experienced. Who in your support network can you reach your in a time of desolation?
I don’t have to think back I am currently in one and probably have been for a while. I would call it a Dark Night and while yes there are periods of consolation they seem to be few and far between. I do have a select group of friends that I rely on, oddly I saw most of them today. My best friend is a priest so he gets everything as does the choir bestie. I wouldn’t consider the other priests best friends but they are friends so they get told pretty much everything too. There’s no way to describe how it feels. I mean I am joy filled but a dark night feels like that joy that was once there will never come back.
This was one of the longest blogs and it took forever to write probably because it’s the part of discernment I am living out. Times of consolation are wonderful but with consolation comes desolation.
No comments:
Post a Comment