Side note we have the vicar, the former vicar, Padre Best Friend, and of course the pastor, if you know me you know who they are but blogging purposes the nicknames work.
Anyway back to the homilies. A few weeks ago the vicar mentioned how we all need to keep growing in and learning the Faith in his homily. For the past few years I have used my Every Sacred Sunday journal or what I call my Mass journal. It allows me time to read and reflect on the Sunday (and Holy Days of Obligation) readings, it also allows me to take notes on the homily. That’s how I use it, others could do something different. I remembered writing “adult faith formation” in my journal and wonder if any parish was looking to hire someone to do just that.
The vicar is right we do need to keep learning the faith and not just stop with that 8th grade or maybe high school level of education. I seek out ways to keep learning and growing most people do not. Most parishes don’t offer ways for adults to learn what the Church teaches. We offer Bible studies, or something else but nothing along the lines of here’s what the Church actually teaches. So yes I’m this whole discernment thing my heart wants adult faith formation but has to settle for religious education because that’s all that’s out there.
I don’t know why but this Mother’s Day was more emotional than the past few years, it probably has to do with everything going on in my life at the moment. Not that we talked much about stuff but what I wouldn’t do for one more trip to the mall, simply because that’s when we talked, on the car ride to and from the mall. Yeah I know I can still talk to my mom but it’s not the same. So I went to Mass hoping I ended up with the vicar for a few reasons and was I beyond thrilled to have him, incense, and a sprinkling rite. I’m a liturgy snob so my day was made and given the day it was that hour was the bright spot in an otherwise blah day.
In his homily the vicar mentioned how our inside needs to match our outside. By far not the first time I have felt called out in a homily, but this one hit home. It hit home because that morning I was thinking about how my “safe space” was church, how I could be myself in Church, how I was happy at Mass. If anyone saw me, as they do, they saw the crazy lady who veils and sings at Mass, they see the pious woman on the outside but no one knows the inside. How many times have I complained about behaviors at Mass (adults, not kids), acted like the know it all, or how often do my thoughts not match that of a Christian. The former vicar when we saw each other asked “how’s your rage?” I’ve always been honest with him so the answer was “oh it’s there just hidden, well suppressed” The anger and spitefulness I feel with the whole work situation is righteous in one sense and just wrong on another.
“I will not leave you orphans” is the line that stuck out in the Gospel, the vicar pointed that line out too, it most likely spoke to both of us for the same reason. There was so much in his homily and it’s not the first time I have thought about how alike he and I are it just stood out in this homily. Attached to the does the inside match the outside question was a good point “is that where the frustration of not feeling God’s presence comes from” I know God is with me on this journey but knowing and feeling are two different things. I have said it to myself many times, where is the faith I used to have. Oh I see glimpses of it as a reminder of what is there but that Dark Night overshadows it, that exact frustration of not feeling God’s presence is what I wish I felt during the week instead of just for an hour on Sunday.
Also in the homily was the line spoken for himself but to all of us “through the liturgy Christ reminds me that everything will be ok” As I have said many times I am a liturgy snob it’s just who I am. Mass is my happy place. I saw it on Easter as well I was happiest when I was at Mass. As I was scrolling one of the God awful social media platforms I caught one of Fr. Mike Schmitz’ homilies where he said “Mass should change us, if we are the same after Mass as we were before, we’re not doing it right” that’s become my prayer at Mass, change me. I’ve always said “take all of me as unworthy as I am, use me” Just the reminder that Jesus’ saving act that is re-presented to us at every Mass should be enough to get me to go to daily Mass, now that I can.
My first reaction when I was fired after I sat in my car for a minute was “I need a Church with Adoration” so that’s where I went to Adoration. Oh I was angry, still am, but I had calmed myself down enough to be in some semblance of a proper place for praying. I’m his homily the vicar said “Jesus is with us 24/7 in the Eucharist.”
Since my days as an undergraduate I have been drawn to Adoration, the former vicar wonderfully brought back monthly Holy Hours to the parish. Yes I know as my Bishop-emeritus said “you can just come in the Church and be with Jesus” but to my crazy self it’s not the same, even though it is. I like the pomp and circumstance of formal Adoration and Benediction.
The last thing I wrote in my Mass journal was “who sits on the throne of our hearts, God or ourselves.” Pretty sure I was writing it before the vicar said it. So as I stumble on this discernment journey, honestly as I stumble on life’s journey who sits on that throne? I would love to say God, but if the question “does the inside match the outside got me thinking” I know the answer is myself.
Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan, I just wish I saw it a bit more clearly. Id the waking up at 6:45 daily is any indication my lazy ass should be going to daily Mass.
Lord, guide us, protect us, keep us safe.
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