Why I have a love/hate relationship with Ash Wednesday

I love being Catholic, there is no denying that.  It is who I am, I am Catholic and damn proud of it.

I love the Church so much that is actually pains me that people only show up on certain days and well today is one of them.  So many people think that Ash Wednesday is a Holy Day of Obligation but it's not, we don't need to go and get dirt placed on our foreheads but we choose to. It makes me wonder why people show up today but not on a Sunday.

As I am currently unemployed it makes my schedule for Ash Wednesday different from years past. For the past five years the only Masses I could go to where the 7am (oh dear God that's early) or the 7:30pm (much nicer of a time, and it has music) Mass, so I usually went to the evening Mass. Today I decided to go the 12:05pm Mass, as that's the time of the daily Mass I'll be going to and honestly I didn't expect it to be as packed at it was and I figured I could sacrifice the music part.  By chance my Pastor was saying Mass and I could tell that he was just as cranky as I was by some of the little things he did.

Side note of sorts: I got a Fitbit charge for Christmas from my brother and sister-in-law so I make more of an effort to walk to church every Sunday and my parents don't question it anymore as it's healthy vs me just being crazy.  It's only about half a mile to the church, so it's really not that big of a deal.  I try to listen to Christian music, most of the time it's Matt Maher, because he's my favorite Catholic- Christian artist, but I do it so I don't have a song along the lines of I'm Sexy and I Know It stuck in my head for Mass.  Today's songs were Jeremy Camp's Christ In Me and by chance Matt Maher's Because of You and both songs were perfect looking back on it.

The refrain of Christ In Me is "So come and empty me, So that it's you I breathe, I want my life to be, Only Christ in me, So I will fix my eyes, 'Cause you're my source of life , I need the world to see, That it's Christ in me, That it's Christ in me" As I walked along I kept thinking, Christ in me, that's an interesting concept.  A few other songs came on but I didn't really want to hear them, so I stopped it on Because of You. The refrain of Because of You is "If I shine it's because of You, if I love it's because of You, if I'm strong it's because of you, if I'm right it's because of You, it's all because of You."  I love this song as it reminds that I am nothing without God, which is a decent thought on Ash Wednesday when you hear, "remember you are dust and to dust you shall return" or remember, man, you are dust and to dust you shall return" if you went to our pastor. As Because of You ended I saw people walking from the parking lot towards the church and I said to myself, "oh yeah the public schools are off this week", then I saw a car illegally park by the yellow don't park here line and it went down hill from there.  It really didn't, but my immediate thought when I entered church was, where the heck did you all come from.

I am a regular Mass goer meaning I have my set area to sit in, I even have what I deem my daily Mass spot and all of those spots were taken, granted it was 5 minutes before Mass was supposed to start, but I was expecting the normal middle of the week daily Mass group and then remembered it was get something for free at Church day.  So I went to one of my normal pews but sat in the middle of the pew as those were open. Usually I sit on the end because I almost always end up having to serve in some sort of capacity, oddly today I didn't but I was very close.

I decided to start veiling at Mass as I have felt called to do it for awhile now and figured what better time to start than Lent.  So I probably spent most of my time thinking, I wonder who's thinking why is this thing is on her head; then I remembered that the older generation would know the custom  and my generation and younger would have no idea what it was that was on my head.  So with that thought out of my head, I started to notice the little things.

This Mass had no music, so that throws people off and to aid in the washing ashes off, we take the collection up before the prayers of the faithful, which is completely different from Sunday so it confuses the hell out of people.  From the beginning of the Mass, I noticed things that just showed how annoyed our pastor was.  Let me set the record straight, he's a wonderful man and priest, but let's just say some of the ways he says things don't go so well with those in the parish who don't know him well. I think I approached this Mass slightly differently, I wasn't expecting the usual annoyances of Ash Wednesday, but they slowly appeared.  By chance one of our youth ministry teens found me and sat with me, so let's just say we shared our annoyances.  So in my normal spot where families with little noisy children, which I kept thinking each time I head a noise, at least they are here and kids will be kids.  See, I'm not always judgemental, but usually I am.

Fr. Ray's homily was decent, I remember thinking, what is he doing to talk about this year.  The homily reminded us that Lent come about as a way for people to finish the walk/race with those preparing for baptism and to receive their sacraments at Easter.  I do remember him commenting on how fasting and giving something up isn't so that we can fit into our bathing suit in the summer or to loose a few pounds.  That's the added benefit of giving something up or so I think.  He went on to comment on how he knows we've all been complaining about the snow and how it's messy, a pain, packed down and just annoying and likened it to one of the best images of Lent we have because by the time Easter gets here, the snow will have melted, and like wise hopefully a hardened part of us has softened and melted at well.  Those are not his exact words, but the basic idea.

Mass continued as normal, with the blessing and distribution of ashes following the homily, and here's where the small little things started to appear.  We had five people distributing the ashes, so Fr. Ray happened to be smack in the middle as they were all up in the front of the church.  I know how he gets, so when I saw one of the two lay people free up, I jumped the line and went to them, as I knew those in front of me wouldn't, of course the young lady sitting next to me did the same.  Many times during the distribution we heard "move to your right, there are ministers over there."  Now I know why he said it and he was right, all of  a sudden there was a line for just the priest and in all honestly it doesn't matter who places the ashes on your forehead, and they are certainly not better if you happen to get them from a priest.  I sat there thinking "this is why they don't like you." as I head, "use the other side" repeated, but I also see his point and understand his frustration with the parish.  The rest of the Mass went on normally, there was no music so the responses were said.  People forget to sit after the prayers of the faithful until there was a motion to sit down.  I had already sat down, as well I do pride myself on knowing what to do.  I know how prideful that sounds, but it's true, I do know what to do and when to do it.  It was time to receive Communion and one of the kids in front of me seemed to not know how to place his hands to receive Communion so I thought "if you don't know how your hands are supposed to go, why are you receiving" and then I thought, "I offer this reception of Communion for all these who are here just because and that the graces they need are poured out on them."  I'm trying to do better with the whole judging people thing.

Mass ends, and before Fr. Ray could even kiss the altar and leave the sanctuary people started to bolt out the doors. So from the pastor we hear "You know usually we wait for the priest to leave before you do... it's kind of a Catholic thing."  I nearly said out loud, "this is why they don't like you," but instead I turned to the teen who was next to me and the two of us started laughing because we completely understood why he said it.  I get the whole lunch hour thing, but at least have the decency to wait until he's off the sanctuary. The thirty seconds it takes him to walk to the back of the Church won't make much of a difference.  

I love Ash Wednesday because it's when Lent begins and allows to stop and think about what I need to improve in my life, but I hate it because the judgemental bitch in me appears.  I take the time to go to Mass each week, to know the responses and to participate at Mass so yes it does annoy me when I have to deal with little annoyances.  I honestly don't mind kids making noise at Mass, they are allowed to talk to God as they can and I know from personal experience that you can't always get a kid to stay quiet no matter how hard you try; sometimes they sing "Mary had a baby boy and she named him Jesus" when the entire church is quiet and you just have to let it happen.  Worse things could have happened.  I'm trying to be more aware of how mean I can seem at Mass in the idea that I think, you should know what to do and if you actually came to Mass, you would know what to do.

In reading books on the Mass, I am aware that I have more insight into what the Mass is and I wish I had more than 4 Sundays a year to be able to pass that on to the majority of people who call themselves Catholic, but that's where grace and God come in.  God works in ways I obviously can't all I can do is pray for those that cause me have the hate portion of the relationship with Ash Wednesday.

GIVE UP, GIVE UP, GIVE UP

So it's that time of year again.  The Lenten season is upon us. Which means it's time to figure out what to give up for 40 days.  Lifeteen has a great list of 102 things to give up for Lent. Now some of them are silly as it's geared towards teens and we all know how crazy any of us who work in ministry with teens are.  I have to say that some of these got me thinking.

some being #14 wishing for someone else's life, relationship or possessions, #15 complaining, #23 Laziness. Give up TV and commit to going to a walk every day and praying the rosary, #38 If you're judgemental, pray for every person you see. #73 Thinking about food all during daily Mass, #80 Buying spiritual books and not reading them, #97 Pretending you don't have time to go to Adoration and #98 Pretending you don't have time to pray at home.

These are the ones that stuck out to me because, well, they are me.  I do complain all the time, albeit to myself, but I do complain.  I know I am lazy which is why I try every Lent to do a couch to 5k or something similar, because the Catholic guilt ingrained in me, says I'll do it more if I make it a Lenten discipline.  I actually sat on the bed before thinking, "I should go for a walk, but it's so cold out, but I should go for a walk, but it will be dark soon and it's snowy and messy out there."  See, lazy and complaining, so yeah I might want to try and give them up for Lent.

 I am a judgemental bitch, I won't lie my first thought at Mass today was, "where the hell do did you all come from" followed quickly by "at least there are here, may God's grace fill them to return on Sunday."  I think my pastor shared my sentiments, but that's for another blog.  So I'm kinda doing that, in trying to quickly turn my judgement into a prayer of some sort.

Let's face it, today's a day of fast which means one large meal and two smaller meals with no snacks in between, but that's honestly what I do pretty much everyday and I'm still young enough where I can do a full fast, though that didn't work today, as I caved and had an English muffin, but I didn't fall to the temptation to keep eating because it would be my one meal of the day. I've left that up to dinner, which will be some sort of frozen fish and vegetables, I ain't gonna complain when my mom decides to cook.  I might be a grown (I just typed groan, instead, I wonder what my subconscience is trying to tell me.) but I am still a lazy one see the above entry on not wanting to go out an walk. Though I did walk to Mass, so at least I got out and did something not so lazy.  Anyway back to the point, it's easy to think about food at Mass when you haven't had anything to eat yet. I want to turn this into not thinking about any outside things at Mass.  I tried to not think of all the annoyances of an Ash Wednesday Mass, people there just to be there, who don't know what to do.  I know it's great that they are inside the doors and I hope and pray they return each Sunday, but that's up to them not me. I'm trying not to be judgemental, but I totally fail when it comes to Mass and people not knowing what to do, again that's another blog.

During Lent I will go to Mass daily , except Saturdays, and here's the lazy part of me, as 7:30am is too early for me, I like the ease of 12:05pm and I have my routine of walking to Mass set from the past few years.  So I'll try not to think about food or something else that's bothering me and we'll see how it goes.  This was the idea that came into my head today while at Mass, so I'm going to take that as a prompting of the Holy Spirit.

I own so many books that I have purchased at conferences and I really, really, really want to sit down and read them, but I go on facebook or twitter or start playing a game on my iPad or phone and well time just quickly passes by and I haven't read my books. So yesterday it hit me, that I try to read a Lenten reflection book, so I decided to turn that into a read a book a week challenge.  I have books of all sizes and all by different authors.  Oddly the majority of them are books I started to read and stopped for some reason, they literally have bookmarks in them.  As this is a partial week I opted to finish Doers of the Word by Cardinal Dolan and Behold the Mystery by Mark Hart.  Both are "easy" reads and I should be able to get through them quickly and both are short compared to the others I have picked.  I will probably fail at this one, but it's all good, as I'm doing something other than staring at a computer or TV screen and I'm doing what I intended with the books by actually reading them.

The last two are ones that I should do year round and stop telling myself that I don't have time to sit in a Catholic Church with Jesus in the tabernacle or that I don't have time to pray when I'm at home. I do plan on daily Mass so if I'm not in the "I don't want to serve at Mass" mood I will try to go early and spend time with the Blessed Sacrament, but the judgemental person in me will be complaining that people are talking while others are trying to pray.  (I sound just like my pastor, so it shouldn't surprise anyone that he and I get along for the most part.)  As for praying at home, I'm going to turn Come Walk last year and actually liked their reflections on the Stations of the Cross, so I'm thinking I could do that after Mass.


So basically I'm giving up being lazy in many aspects of my life by actually getting out and walking to Mass and most likely a longer walk (where I can say a Rosary or some other prayer, or just have a conversation with God.), by spending time reading books, and trying to not be judgemental.

I of course will do my usual, daily Mass and Liturgy of the Hours as that's just something I like to do and have done the past few years. As I typed this up it seemed like I was thinking about doing a lot for Lent, but really these are things I should be doing year round.  I should be reading a book or two a month, and I should be praying daily, so if Lent is the excuse I need so be it.

There are many great recources out there too for Lenten ideas FOCUS offers a great app for Lent and it will remind you to not eat meat on Fridays. Busted Halo has great resources too. Busted Halo even offers an Instagram contest and does Catholic Sistas, so I will be participating in both of those. The links are to their respective Instagram accounts, but Busted Halo also has it on their Lent page.  Here's Catholic Sista's site and rules for their challenge.


It's a little late but you know what Lent just started and we have 40 days on this journey so here's what I plan on doing, hopefully I get to accomplish a bunch of things, but what I really want to do is bring myself closer to God.

I hope that whoever randomly reads this has a wonderful and blessed Lent.

Lent 2014

So begins Lent 2014. This year I'm giving up junk food aka actually sticking to my weight watchers program and giving up the idea of drinking just for the hell of it which is really drinking to forget how crappy life can be at times.  As usual I will add in Liturgy of the Hours and reading books. This year's books are Lenten Reflections from A Father Who Keeps His Promise by Scott Hahn and Lent With Pope Benedict VI: meditations for every day.  This also means I might attempt to read the book that Scott Hahn's reflections are taken from but I might read any one of the books I have sitting in my room.  I know it's a lot to add in but it's stuff I should be doing anyway.  Of course there will be my Friday daily Mass and stations of the cross to follow that Mass. Our parish is offering Theology Tuesdays so I'll go to those and also attempt to to to Mass and the Lenten presentations at St. Paul's.  Most of this is stuff I would and should be doing anyway so it's a lot of getting back to where I was.  Mainly this Lent I want the dark cloud that seems to have a hold on my soul to go away but I know that's easier said than done. I also know that I have opened myself up to fail and I am fine with that as I know that Jesus fell while carrying the Cross but He got up and kept going so that's what I will do should I not be perfect at what I plan in doing. 

Lent 2013

I was initially going to blog about the tale of two popes and that will come later but for now I'm going down the "oh it's Lent, let me blog about it" road.

Every one seems to ask me "What did you give up for Lent?" or "What are you giving up for Lent?" I usually answer with a I don't know yet, because I don't normally give something up. I did give up candy and sweets as a child, and I often gave up something like soda during college. It worked I don't drink as much soda or eat at much candy as I have, but when it boils down to it, I go right back to that which I gave up on Easter Sunday. As in years past I looked to add something this year. I will once again try to say liturgy of the hours every day, I did try this as a New Year's resolution as well and it worked well, until I got lazy and stopped for a week and then Lent came so I added it back in. This year's Lenten promise to myself and to God is to get back to Adoration of sorts. Not in the formal way, which I would love, but in the informal way of just walking into a Catholic Church and sitting there with the Blessed Sacrament in the Tabernacle. As my bishop, Bishop Serratelli, says, "just walk in and spend five minutes with the Blessed Sacrament." 

Recently I spent 3 wonderful days on retreat with the parish youth group teens and told them that this is what I plan on doing for Lent, walking into the church and spending time with the Blessed Sacrament.  Easier said than done, but I've decided that I will just show up early for Mass, or Fr. Ray's presentations and spend time with Jesus that way.  Then again going to daily Mass is also something I add in each year.  Yes I take the easy way out and go on my days off, but I'll make more of an effort to actually get to St. Paul Inside the Walls for daily Mass on the days that I have something down there.  

I also plan on the eating better thing, but I've been doing that for a few weeks now; mainly actually watching what I eat and how much I eat.  I do plan on starting Couch to 5k again and I'm usually pretty good at it when Lent is involved.  I feel as if there is something else pushing me to do it as well. Granted the idea of adding extra point to eat (I'm doing Weight Watchers) is almost enough to get me running again.  

I've also decided to re-read The Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis and to read The Gargoyle Code by Fr. Dwight Longnecker.  I've wanted to read Father's book and found the digital version of it, so it is now on the iPad and I read a "letter" a day as it's set for Lent.  I'm enjoying both books and watching both men make fun of the Devil and his evil spirits.  It also opens my eyes to how Evil works in the world and makes me more aware of what I an doing and what might be influencing me. 

So I guess for Lent I am giving up being lazy and adding more in spiritually.  I'm often reminded of Fr. Bill telling us while at Seton Hall about his nephew who would ask "Uncle Billy, did you give up yet?" instead of what did you give up, granted this nephew is probably now in college or out of it. Not an Ash Wednesday goes by where I don't think of this comment.  As Fr. Bill said, "no I haven't given up yet."  I'm also reminded of something else Fr. Bill said to me years later.  "Mar, we're not perfect, do something extra for Holy Week, just make an extra effort to do it."  

We're not perfect and I don't expect my Lent to be perfect nor should I.  I know I will probably fall and fail at what I plan as now that I look at it I've opted for a lot of things to do.  I didn't give up anything but I am adding in more to better me as a Christian and most especially a Catholic. 

Ash Wednesday

So I started this post back on Ash Wednesday so I wouldn't forget Fr. Ray's homily.  I didn't forget the homily  but I am glad I wrote it down so I can blog slightly about it.

Let me back up a touch seeing as I have been away from here for nearly a year.  See a fair bit has happened over the past year and most of the stuff (read: blogging, crocheting, watching tv) brought with it good but sad memories, friends have come and gone.  Now that a year has past since that eventual day and there seems to be no returning to that friendship, why not at least try to get back to what I enjoyed.  The lack of blogging also stemmed from the lack of quality homilies at the parish as I used to blog about that the priests spoke about.

Our new pastor is amazing, I love him dearly, he has become my favorite pastor of all time and he's only been here 9 months.  It's like we had to give birth to the friendship or something.  More on him later, literally as I'm sure he'll play a big part in this blog.

I've been busy with work and more importantly youth ministry at the parish.  The teens of our parish are truly a gift to the parish and most especially the 3 of us "adults" who work with them on a weekly basis.  The teens can make me smile no matter my mood.  Anyway, I'm going to turn this into an Ash Wednesday, Triduum, Easter blog of sorts.

So Ash Wednesday I went begrudgingly to Mass, mainly because I knew I was going to surrounded by those that show up simply to get something and no matter how many times I say to myself, "at least they are here, maybe they'll return to the church." the bitch in me wins out and I grumble to myself and whine about how badly   people don't know the responses, how crappy the music it and over all how annoyed I am.  Then our pastor comes along and gives a homily about 3 types of people.  Now the homily was a while ago but I'm going to try and remember it as best I can.

So he talks about one of his first assignments as a priest and how there was a fire at the parish that gutted the church building.  He spoke of three types of people who came that night to see what was going on.  The first group of people were spectators, those that just show up to see what's happening, the next group are those that show up and lament over what they don't have anymore and don't come back, and the final group are those that show up and start planning the future and how to rebuild. I sat there thinking, how the hell is he going to get away with calling out those who are apart of groups one and two without pissing them off and I told him as much afterwards and that I was impressed with how well he got his point across.  He compared us to the groups: group number one those that just show up for the ashes, group number two those that come one or twice and don't come back and the third group those that come week after week. I sat there knowing that there were plenty of people there that only showed up to see what was going on, and plenty more who were out because they were getting something from the Church, I also knew that there was a good portion of group number three there too, as I and a few others who are very active in the parish were there.

Fr. Ray did a great job of saying while we all should fall into group 3 we don't always and he went on to explain how we fall into those groups.  Seeing as that homily was over 40 days ago and I still remember the basic idea of it I'm pretty damn impressed with his homily skills.


Ok I lied, I'm tired so this is only going to be an Ash Wednesday blog.  Hey at least I'm actually typing again.  ;)

Lenten Checklist- Ash Wednesday *updated*

I figure if I have to keep myself accountable for Lent I might as well blog about it so that I really am accountable to well at least myself.

So here's today's check list, well star list as I don't have a check mark key.

*less time on the internet via the phone
This one shows how much I am addicted to facebook and checking my e-mail. So far
so good. I didn't check it before I went to bed (it was after midnight
therefore Ash Wednesday) or when I woke up which is what I normally do. Oh
trust me I wanted to, but I didn't and that's a good start.

*Daily Mass
Mass went well, the 7:30pm Mass was packed and the homily was decent. Fr. Marek
(more on where he came from in another blog) spoke about taking inventory of
our lives and seeing what is taking me away from God. I'm not 100% sure on
what else he said, I liked the taking inventory of your life aspect and that's
what I went with.

Holy Hour
I didn't get to do this one this, week the parish had none as a result of
having Mass, but I can always find another time and day to spend an hour with
Jesus as He sits in the Tabernacle.

*less procrastination
I didn't get the supplies, but I did manage to actually print out some things
and I hope to work on it some tomorrow. I can take the children I babysit out
to the store if I need anything. I actually went food shopping with my mom,
and that was not easy on a day of fast, but surprisingly I didn't put too much
junk, actually the only junk I put in there was iced oatmeal cookies, and I
could have easily put "worse" cookies in the cart.

*Daily Rosary
I'm about to say it before I go to bed.

Not too shabby for the first day. I must say it always amuses me how many people you see in Church on a day like today, that's not a Holy Day. Oh well, I'm the one who will be held to a higher account than they, I know my rules and I know what is expected of me and I try to pass that knowledge along.