Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Fr. Mike Schmitz

I feel like I am taking a step back in time with this whole discernment thing. Two years ago I was questioning all my activities with the Church and beginning the process of leaving crazy day care number one. I’m now officially out of day care number which I thought would be better but was actually worse. I’m out of there for doing the right thing and I know that because I would do it again. 

Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything. 

The questions: (from the introduction)

Lord, what do You want me to do?

I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones.  Now all I feel is lost and confused.  I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.  

Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?

Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing.  If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not.  Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words.  I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.  

Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work? 

I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have.  I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest.  Sadly, now one would have questioned that.  I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money.  I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43,  I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans. 

Do you trust in His plan?

This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep. 

Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead? 

This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things,  I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.  

The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:

What are you seeking?

I wish I knew.  I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness.  I want to know what God is actually calling me to.  Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry.  I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get.  I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that.  I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing. 

What are you looking for?

I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for.  Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others.  I guess I am looking for where I should be. 

What is the cry of your heart?

To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people. 

What excites you about life?

Honestly, right now nothing.  I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen.  Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest. 

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

It was work, even though I hated it.  I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word.  Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it. 

What is weighing on your mind?

That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do.  That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away. 

What are you avoiding?

In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things.  Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of. 

What are you trying to bury deep?

Everything.  I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't.  Nothing has been the same over the past three years.  I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.  

What are you wrestling with?

Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.  

What are you willing to sacrifice for? 

I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.

How do you define a great life?

My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money. 

What are you seeking? 

Holiness, why did that just pop into my head.  I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking.  I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do. 

What purpose has God put on your heart?

I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry. 

Do you even believe that you have a purpose?

The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.  

The reflection questions:

What am I seeking?

This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer.  I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up. 

What is weighing on my mind and heart?

Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy.  I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore.  I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants. 

When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?

I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43.  I regret things already, do I really need to add to it.  I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me. 

What matters most to me? 

I would say family, but it's not.  I could say faith, but I don't know about that either.  I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know.  My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.

I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things.  I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right.  No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it.  I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way. 

Lent 2014

So begins Lent 2014. This year I'm giving up junk food aka actually sticking to my weight watchers program and giving up the idea of drinking just for the hell of it which is really drinking to forget how crappy life can be at times.  As usual I will add in Liturgy of the Hours and reading books. This year's books are Lenten Reflections from A Father Who Keeps His Promise by Scott Hahn and Lent With Pope Benedict VI: meditations for every day.  This also means I might attempt to read the book that Scott Hahn's reflections are taken from but I might read any one of the books I have sitting in my room.  I know it's a lot to add in but it's stuff I should be doing anyway.  Of course there will be my Friday daily Mass and stations of the cross to follow that Mass. Our parish is offering Theology Tuesdays so I'll go to those and also attempt to to to Mass and the Lenten presentations at St. Paul's.  Most of this is stuff I would and should be doing anyway so it's a lot of getting back to where I was.  Mainly this Lent I want the dark cloud that seems to have a hold on my soul to go away but I know that's easier said than done. I also know that I have opened myself up to fail and I am fine with that as I know that Jesus fell while carrying the Cross but He got up and kept going so that's what I will do should I not be perfect at what I plan in doing. 

I haven't disappeared, I'm still around

Fr. Jim's most recent homily (http://chernjam.blogspot.com/2012/09/being-unfriended.html) sparked in me part of why I've been away from my blog for so long.  I know that not many out there read it and those that do I probably don't even know, however one of these that used to read it along with most of her family have "unfriended" me and they honestly made up most of the audience who actually read it. Long story short I went to a wedding that the former best friend had decided that I didn't need to or should go to so she and half of her family no longer talk to me, some do and they probably hear about it all the time, but whatever.  I'm no longer hiding behind what happened.  Yes, most of the fault probably does fall with me, but I do no regret what I did.  I was the bigger person.

Fr. Jim's right it's a shock to find that you've been unfriended especially when it was left that you might actually be able to talk to the person and they just up and click a button and end a friendship.  Fr. Jim's homily adds to Fr. Derek's comment of God gives and He takes away what isn't good for us.  See I was such a horrible friend by going to the wedding that the countless trips and sleepovers and free babysitting I did for the former best friend was all forgotten.  Being there for her at her wedding and the insanity that surrounded it, doesn't matter anymore.  The 13 years or whatever it was wasn't matter because I disagreed with her on something for the first time in what was a best friendship.

I've had a lot of priests be a part of my life.  Fr. Jim's is mainly an internet friendship as it's on Facebook and blogs that we interact however I've come to realize that the world between Diocese of Paterson and Archdiocese of Newark is quite small and Fr. Jim and I have many mutual friendships as Facebook calls them.  Oddly Fr. Geno makes that an international world now as he's working on the Council for Evangelization.  Fr. Geno is one of these priests that no matter how hard one tries to shake they can't.  I will forever "blame" Fr. Geno aka FG for who and what I am.

FG started the youth ministry program that I was a part of in high school and am now proudly helping to run at the parish.  When he left the parish I was at Seton Hall, so I wasn't overly attached to the home parish, but I still looked forward to FG's homilies and masses when I came home on the weekends.  We in essence went our separate ways after my freshman years at SHU until our worlds reconnected a few years ago at a "small" place known as St. Paul's Inside the Walls.

Bishop Serratelli tasked FG with building an Evangelization Center, and that they did.  Through St. Paul's I got to see the crazy priest that I knew in high school acting in much the same way as he did back then.  Before he left for Rome and the Vatican FG had an overnight retreat for certain young adults that were hand picked to be there.  The topic was friendships in Christ and how they affect our lives.

During the retreat Fr. Geno talked about trust, friendships, prayer, and of course God.  Looking back on it, God was giving the grace to finally say goodbye to the 13 year friendship that maybe one day will return but for now it won't.  Fr. Derek in one of our "classes" on catechesis as Evangelization talked about the Dark Night of the Soul and how the further away God seems the closer we are to Him.  During one of these sessions he said something along the lines of "God gives us friendships and sometimes He takes them away.  God takes away things that might seem good for us but may not be."  I thought of the former best friend and said yes yes He does.  Fr. Derek's comment came before Fr. Geno's retreat, but they all tie into me reading Fr. Jim's blog and saying, yes it is odd and a shock when you get de/unfrieneded on Facebook.

I've been busy with St. Paul's and learning more about Evangelization and ways to get people back to and into the Catholic Church.  I'm spending my Sunday evening with the greatest joys in my life, the parish teens, showing them that being Catholic is serious but it's also alot of fun.  I'm one again teaching in the Confirmation program, I'm still an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion and active at the parish on a few committees, so yes I'm busy and don't usually have time to sit and blog. Work is work and keeps me busy from 9am-7pm.

I'm still around but when I'm not in front of the computer (or iPad and wireless keyboard) I'm at work, or at the parish or at St. Paul's sharing and learning more about the Catholic faith.

So with the drama of the last year and a half finally out on the internet I hope to return to blogging but I know it won't be conssistent.

Ireland

So my parents and I spent 3 weeks in Ireland, we were gone from July 13th - Aug. 3rd. I had a wonderful time, and it's nice when you cousins actually do stuff with you. Granted the cousin that did most of the entertaining was the cousin that was out visiting with his family last October and was in essence returning the favor, but I have a feeling he would have done it anyway.

We spent most of the time visiting family, and as my dad got a standard shift car, I couldn't drive. I don't blame him as it was cheaper, but he doesn't like to drive at night, so that can put a damper on things despite it not getting dark until 10:30pm. He also didn't want me driving on the roads over there, which maybe I wouldn't have been so damn freaked out if my father didn't have me thinking my side of the car was going to be in a wall every time he pulled over. I had to laugh when my cousin drove over there and didn't budge when the on coming traffic came. Long story short despite not seeing the Guinness factory like I wanted to, again my dad won't drive to Dublin, and any relatives that live in Dublin were away, but if I had the car I might have ventured it, oh well, I will just have to add that to the plans for a future visit.

My family always asks me would you live in Ireland, and I almost always say, no, I'd need a city, considering where I come from. Though I have thought about this question since returning and maybe it's just the memories of drinking in my cousin's living room and laughing and having a good time, but I'd venture to say I would try it. I don't know how long I'd last living over there, but at least it's an English speaking country.

Last time I was over in Ireland I was in my last year at Seton Hall, so I got asked the what are you going to do question, I don't remember how I answered it, but I was a religion major after all, so that probably stopped any further questions. This time I had to deal with the "what do you do question?" and I usually answered teacher,babysitter/nanny. Which is what I was doing, I stayed away from the oh the kids are going to school full time in September so I don't know what I'll be doing answer. I felt bad as I was in essence lying to my family, but I wasn't, however I noticed that most of then could really care less. I am for the most part "more educated" or shall I say further educated than my cousins. I speak of the older cousins as the younger ones and those my age have probably had a University education, though I could be mistaken.

My cousins Brendan and PJ are a carpenter and a mechanic and I noticed that despite the schedules they keep, Brendan who works for himself has added on 2 weekend jobs and PJ has a repair shop on the side are happy and their families are happy. They make time to go out with each other, granted it's for a few pints, but it got me thinking. I began to think it would be nice to have what they have, a family that doesn't seem to judge them. I mean so I have a BA in Religion, what am I going to do with it, who knows. Everyone is so relaxed and laid back over there, there was no rushing out the door to get somewhere, no one trying to better the other. Maybe it's because of where my dad's family is from in Mayo, and that's where we spent most of our time, but even in Galway City they didn't seem to be rushed, granted Dublin might be a bit different, but it's still not the NYC area.

For so long I've sought that youth ministry, religion teacher, church ministry job and I've watched it slip away or seen it go to someone else, all the while I'm thinking "there I go again being too conservative for the Church." There is something wrong with that statement, I'm not too conservative for the Church, just some of her members and you know what I'm tired of that. I'm tired of being the one who follows the Church, who knows she will be judged more harshly by God than those that didn't know. I want to work for the Church but find that most of those positions are taken by "liberals." When my parish got our new deacon, whom I met once and haven't seen since then, I saw myself thinking, oh there goes my shot at this position, and then it hit me, he's the one who should be doing these jobs, he's the one about to be ordained. It's nice that the laity can work for the Church, but after a while, there gets to be too many people running the Church.

Now I find myself accepting a new retail job at a camera store, and it seems like a great opportunity for me. As I can work for a year or 2 while going to school for my Master of Arts in Teaching from a local school, I am leaning towards Montclair State, but one never knows. I've found myself the more I try to pull away from teaching the more I get sucked into it. I enjoy teaching the CCD classes that I have, and I like the idea of summers off and other such days. I realize that had I actually gotten an education major I probably would still at the 1st school I worked at. All that is missing from me teaching religion is how to make a lesson plan and discipline. I know I'm a softy, I don't like yelling at people. I will tell a child to behave if I see them misbehaving and maybe that's what I'm called to do, to teach the little ones.

This blog turned away from Ireland fairly quickly and into something else. I'm off to go look at local colleges and Post Baccalaureate education degrees. :)

Where oh where have I been...

Life has been a bit crazy for the past few weeks, meaning I'm not on my normal/regular schedule for babysitting. My mom's sister-in-law (who lives in Ireland) died unexpectedly last week from a massive brain hemorrhage so that threw everything off. I helped my dad with babysitting my niece and nephew. Kerri and Sean, my niece and nephew, loved it as they always love when I do stuff with them. Mom got back from Ireland this evening. She started talking to me about the funeral and the Mass and other things on the way home and I half paid attention.

It's only 5 weeks before I join my parents for a 3 week vacation in Ireland and my brother, sis-in-law and the kids are joining us for the last week. This week should be just as crazy as I'm babysitting tomorrow and Tuesday and on Wednesday I take my Nurse Entrance Exam aka the SAT for nursing school. Then it's the parish feast, which means I spend most of my time, more so this year than in the past, with the youth ministry Ice Cream booth. "The Feast" is the parish's biggest fundraiser with carnival rides, booths and of course the food, the food is mostly home cooked or as close to it as possible. A lot of work goes into it including the time spent behind the tables in the booths.

So I might go missing for a while again, but I'm working on it. ;)

An Interesting Conversation

As I type the title of this blog I have the voice of the "polish priest" from my parish in my head. Fr. Marek came as a temporary vicar while we awaited the arrival of our new pastor. Msgr. Martin McDonnell came to be our pastor this past Thursday, the feast of St. Joseph. Fr. Martin, is off the boat Irish as in was born and raised in Ireland, in the county next to the one my mom is from, which means dad's county isn't too far away either. Oh the "million dollar" question is how long will Fr. Marek be with us. So far he's still here, and it's honestly strange to have 3 priests in the parish again. There were originally 3 priests at the parish when my parents and I moved in and shortly after that just two which is what we have had for a while now. Fr. Martin said the 12:05pm Mass on Monday and Tuesday, and I was beginning to wondering of Fr. Marek was still around, well he is, he said the 12:05pm Mass on Wednesday. He was greatly amused that Mary, myself, was reading on the feast of Mary. He gave a very short homily, with his accent and sitting in the first pew of the church, it was hard to understand it fully. For some reason our microphone system causes hearing issues, well more being able to understand the speaker fully issues, in the first 5 pews.

Anyway, I was walking out after Mass and Fr. Marek stopped to say hi and then asked about the retreat (our Women's Cornerstone retreat was over the weekend) how it went, how team is picked. Then he asked what I studied, and I said I was a religious studies major at Seton Hall and that I was thinking of going back either for theology, nursing, or taking a campus ministry position. Somehow the topic of me taking over youth ministry at the parish came up, I pointed out that our youth minister, Jen, is quite capable and does a good job. The topic of young adult ministry came up as well and I said Fr. George, our former pastor knew that was my soap box issues, I said I'd talk to the new pastor once he got settled instead of bombarding him with the issue right now. We continued on with how I was a part of the youth ministry program under Fr. Geno who is now in charge of Evangelization for the Diocese. The main point of that conversation was that Fr. Geno might know his stuff, which he does, but how with the letters STD (from Rome) after his name his statements hold more clout. I mentioned that I run into that all the time by not having my Masters degree. I was told to go study and get the letters after my name and that I should get young adult ministry started at my parish.

The rest of the conversation involved Fr. Marek asking me "who's the young strapping man that sits next to you at Mass?" I said oh that's Jerry, we do youth ministry together. Fr. Marek responded with, "oh just youth ministry, nothing more." I said no, Jerry's a junior at Seton Hall and has a girlfriend. Fr. Marek very quickly offered a "we'll have to get rid of her." I said no, I like her, she can stay. I nearly added that there is a young man closer to my age that I like, but I didn't. I went out to my car and texted Jerry because that story was just too funny.

However Fr. Marek's comments got me thinking, and my drive out to Harrisburg almost 2 weeks ago, a nearly 6 hour drive total will get you thinking, especially when you usually take that drive with your friend and discuss your life with her. It got me thinking of do I ask Fr. Martin to create a position for Confirmation and Young Adult Ministry or do I just let Confirmation fall under religious education. Our youth minister is currently the confirmation director as well, but she's a week away from having her first child, so I'm pretty sure she's only coming back for youth ministry next year. If I could somehow manage a way to get the Confirmation director position, added in with young adult ministry and well pro-life ministry, it could warrant a "full-time" salary with benefits, and maybe the diocese could pay for my Masters degree. My only issue is how do I ask my parish to pay me.

I always come up with great scenarios and then just let it bypass me or settle or something else. The more I try to get away from ministry the more I get pulled into it. After the retreat, and then having 8th graders ask me questions about the Passion of the Christ (Mel Gibson's version) and being able to answer then without missing a beat and just having the other "teachers" stare at me reminded that I do know what I'm doing. I just hate having to use a damn textbook to teach it. I don't want to settle for a DRE position, I'd kill the majority of the parents out there for not giving a damn about being Catholic. I don't blame the kids, it's hard to when Mom and Dad don't do crap to show them how to be Catholic. I have 8th graders who hardly know the traditional prayers of the Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.

I hate when I get into this mood and don't know what to do with it. I'm reminded of how I wish to take the vocations stories of the priests that affected my life and put it into a book similar to Called by Name: The Inspiring Stories of 12 Men Who Became Catholic Priests by Dr. Christine Anne Mugridge, Jerry Usher.

I've been told I have a gift of writing. Fr. Brian heard my talk on the retreat and the first thing he said to me was "Catechism and personal stories, wow!" I've been giving retreat talks since I was in college, well high school, so it's almost second nature for me. I know it's a gift, I just wish I could use it more than I am.

Oh well I'm off to bed as I am going to visit my friend and her family in Albany today, about time my goddaughter got a visit from me.

Soundtrack to my life

I was searching for the blog that had my September 11th memories on it and found the set your iPod/mp3 player on shuffle and see what happens, well this is what happened...

Opening credits:
Cats in the Cradle- Cat Stevens

Waking up:
Desire-U2

Average day:
Slip Jigs - McKee & Bradley

First date:
Falling off a Log- Backyardigans

Falling in love:
Celtic Fire (Live Version)- Flatley's Feet of Flames

Fight scene:
The Big Reel of Ballynacally/The High Hill/Flash Away The Pressing Gang- Solas

Breaking up:
Easy Reels- Bradley Bros. (not too much of a genre shuffle here)

Getting back together:
Everywhere But Here- Nick Lachey

Secret love:
Drunken Gauger- Mark Arrington

Life's okay:
Yes-Coldplay

Mental breakdown:
Born to be my Baby-Bon Jovi

Driving:
We Walk by Faith-Marty Haugen (LMAO)

Learning a lesson:
Much Too Young To Feel This Damn Old-Garth Brooks

Deep thought:
Long For You-Ceili Rain

Flashback:
Mountain Dew- The Pogues

Partying:
McQueen's Lost- Cars Soundtrack

Happy dance:
Radio- Friday Mourning

Regretting:
Why Do I Always Want You- The Saw Doctors

Long night alone:
Jigorous-Ceili Rain

Death scene:
Jockey to the Fair- Irish Dance sets

Sometimes I wonder

Seriously, if you teens to be active in the parish and you want them to be good Catholics they need to be formed correctly. Yes it's nice to give them the "potter (as in someone who makes pottery, not harry)retreat" and other things but they need to be formed correctly! If they know what and Who the Eucharist is, they will come to love it, trust me I should know.

I've spent the last 6.5 years trying to figure out what to do with a BA in Religious Studies and wanting to do ministry in the Church, but I don't know anymore. I know where and what my gifts are, but no one seems to want them.

Sometimes I wonder was it worth changing from nursing to religion. All these issues wouldn't exist if I just stayed a nursing major or hell even if I kept up my Irish step dancing, I would be a TCRG aka teacher by now, but alas hindsight is 20/20.

I need a drink.

Thanks, giving, oops and wow

Those are the four types of prayer according to Fr. Brian in his wonderful homily this Sunday.

Thanks: thank you God for...
Giving: give me____ God
Oops: forgive me Lord for...
Wow: Wow God

Fr. Brian told us he would speak about Prayer and the Eucharist and like usual it was an awesome homily. In my years of actually paying attention to the homilies, meaning from College on, I have yet to find a priest like Fr. Brian where I actually remember his homilies. Fr. Bill comes in at a close second, Fr. George is slowing dropping in the ranks, but he is still up there.

Fr. Brian had a great tie-in of Prayer and Eucharist and First Holy Communion. It is so easy to see that he is a man of prayer and how much he cares for the Eucharist. Watching him "clean" his paten after consuming Jesus is a joy, he takes the time to wipe the particles into the ciborium and is just simply a joy to watch celebrate Mass.

more to come when I don't have 500 things on my mind, such as "it is wrong that all the jobs I might be qualified for, are not appealing to me."

Although "jobs are not appealing to me" is still on my mind along with other things, I decided to continue my thoughts on Fr. Brian's homily from 5/4/08.

I went to Mass on Sunday half expecting to hear the same homily I got last week on the Lion King and Jesus, I was thankful to see that Fr. Brian had the Noon Mass. That meant I was getting Fr. Brian homily, and I love his homilies. Fr. Brian spoke about the mentioned types of prayer, which he "came up with" on his own, and tied each one of them into the Mass. He was thankful for the kids making their First Holy Communion, for being at Church for his family, for the church of St. Anthony's, for Mass. Next came the "give me" prayers you know give me this, give me that, followed by the oops I made a mistake prayers. When speaking about the oops prayer Fr. Brian said, "not one of is ever far enough away that we can't come back to the Church." I may not have gotten it word for word, but his point was/is that not one of us is perfect that we all make mistakes, and we can all come back to the Church. This point should have been taken by some of the people, I was going to say parents, but that's too judgmental, in attendance, as it was obvious that some had not been to Mass in quite some time. The last section of prayer was the wow prayer, where Father pointed out the simple wow factor of prayer. He almost at once moved in to the Eucharist being the ultimate form of prayer.

How right he is, the Eucharist, the celebration of Mass is the "best prayer" we have. To hear the words "best prayer" and "Eucharist" come out of a priests mouth makes me want to jump for joy. I'd jump for a job too like I almost wrote. I wish I remember the actual ending of the homily because I thought, that was awesome! Fr. Brian continued on with the rest of Mass, coaching as necessary for those that hadn't been to Church/Mass in a while. I remember thinking, "oh good he didn't use the dumbed down version of the Eucharistic prayer." as he began the Eucharistic prayer. It irks me that people assume children can't understand the "big" words that are used in the Eucharistic prayer. I've heard the same prayers over and over again, did I get them at first as a child, no I probably didn't, but I still knew what happened when the priest said the words of the Consecration.

Fr. Brian has a very no nonsense style when it comes to saying Mass and I love it. Some priests like to ad-lib some of the words of the prayer, and for the most part it's ok, it won't kill me to think of it a different way, but Fr. Brian does not or at least very rarely deviates from the Rubrics. I can't put into words what this means to and for me. I am utterly speechless when it comes to describing my feelings about it. It's nice to not feel like the lone "conservative" on the Liturgy Committee anymore. I know that whether or not we actually say something, that for the most part we are thinking the same way.

Fr. Brian arrived to St. A's in September, that December I opted to go to the "new one" for Confession, Lent came and I let Confession slide, but the Cornerstone retreat took care of that and after much deliberation in my head about whether to go to Fr. George or Fr. Brian I chose Fr. Brian, and I am glad I have chosen him. I don't know why but I feel like Fr. George has stopped caring about what I have to say. Depending on the event or Mass Fr. George makes a point to say hi, Fr. Brian on the other hand will throw in a comment or two. Take the Easter Vigil when Fr. Brian told me I looked beautiful. Not the first time I've had an ordained man tell me I'm beautiful, but it still amuses me. It reminds me that they are human and well so am I. ;)
Fr. George typical of a guy didn't notice when I highlighted my hair, or if he did, he didn't say anything. Fr. Brian asked if I had changed my hair, I responded with yes, and if Fr. George wasn't in the room and if I knew Fr. Brian a bit better would have shot back a hair comment to bald man. Fr. Brian like Fr. Kevin takes the time to see what's going on. He'll remind me that he's praying for whatever I need. Fr. Brian reminds of why I like St. Therese, said, "if only I was a boy, then my vocation would be easy, I'd be a priest." Fr. Brian is one of the many good guys out there and I hope we get to hang on to him for awhile at St. A's, we need him.

Sometimes I wonder

I really do wonder sometimes why I have been given the graces that I have been given. It makes me happy that so many kids and teens are making their First Holy Eucharist and Confirmation this time of year, but it pains me to no end to watch the priest tell the congregation what to do, when to stand, when to kneel and when to sit. The Celebrant should not have to say, "please kneel in preparation for Communion." It was great to see all the little ones receive the Eucharist for the first time, but it was painful to watch how they actually received Jesus. Many of them seemed to have no idea what was happening, and it caused me to wonder, did you ever practice with them. Use a nilla wafer, a wheat thin, a ritz cracker, something to get them used to the action of receiving Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament. It pained me more to watch adults not know how to receive Communion, to watch a teenager take a host and walk back to the pew with It as if it was something to keep and look at.

Thankfully I have spent time talking to Fr. Brian about my quest of perfection. I know I'm not perfect yet for some reason I strive to be perfect and to have every Mass I go to be perfect. I have started to "offer up" these little imperfections as I see them. Before my cousin's Confirmation this afternoon, I just sat there and said, "Cardinal Cooke, lead me by your example and help me to offer it up for the souls of Purgatory." I did the same thing at the Papal Mass, and it helps. I still Mass to be perfect, I want the people next to me to know what they are doing and when to sit, stand and kneel, I want them to be quiet, but alas it doesn't happen all the time.

At my cousin's party I somehow got stuck in the corner of the "old people" table, my parents, and my aunts and uncles were at it and the topic of discussion was Obama and Hillary and eventually moved into Guiliani and Cardinal Egan. I can't understand why "good Catholics" which is such a stupid term, one is either Catholic or not, will make blanket statements like "Bush ruined the country," or even think of voting for a democrat. Abortion is a grave evil, it is the murder of an innocent human being who has done nothing. I can't see why these Irish immigrants won't look past the idea that Bill Clinton did so much for Ireland, and Bill Clinton did this and Bush hasn't done anything to legalize the Irish. Maybe those dipshits shouldn't have overstayed their visa, Ireland is a country that is well off, they would not be returning to a country that would not be able to offer jobs and what not.

I know that I am a "one issue" voter, I can't see how someone over looks a 100% rating from NARAL or a 100% por-abortion voting record. The excuse my father likes to use is, well plenty of catholics are pro-choice or are doing this or doing that. Normally response is, "well if the Bishops and priests had some guts and weren't afraid of speaking the truth, that wouldn't be an issue." Well if they are pro-choice they have in essence excommunicated themselves, and I'm tired of people calling themselves Catholic and picking and choosing what they want to believe. Life is so much easier to live when you have rules. The Church as been around for 2,000 years and it's still standing, God most know what He's doing.

Maybe the idea that I'm the black sheep of the family is just weighing on me. So many times I look at my parents who instilled my faith in my and taught me the basics of the Catholic faith and wonder why I am the only one who's upset by certain things. In all the times I have been "let go" from schools or parishes it was never "how nice of you to stand up and defend the Church." it always was "you'll never be able to get a job." Maybe I need to give Archbishop Raymond Burke a call, he'd probably hire me. Just once I want to hear my family say "good job defending the Faith." Case in point, after pointing out to my mother that her own son doesn't go to Church each week and if she thinks they do she's crazy, the response I get is well they try, and when I tell her she should say something to them, the response is "why don't you." Because it's your son mom, yes my neice is my Goddaughter and I will be all over her CCD classes and what's being taught, but my brother is not my responsibility. If I was to ever miss Mass, my mother would be all over it, asking why I didn't go, but she doesn't have to worry about that, because as she puts it. "that's not you." No mom it's the gift of the Holy Spirit and the many graces that God has given to me time and time again.

It's a blessing and curse to love the Church so much and I know I'm not alone out there. I am very thankful for my friendship with Bridget and being able to know that when I bitch and moan about something she'll more than likely agree with me and make me feel normal about it. She wonders where I got the insane intensity to defend the Church, it's probably the Irish in me. I know that Terence Cardinal Cooke's family came from around the same area of Galway as some of my mom's family so, maybe back quite a few generations he and I are related. Maybe it comes from having Cardinal Cooke as my archbishop for almost 3 years, granted I was almost three years old when he died, but my mom spoke about him as I grew so I wanted to know his story and well now I do. Maybe it comes from having John Cardinal O'Connor as my archbishop for almost 10 years, and even when I moved to NJ John J. O'Connor was still my cardinal. It's hard to believe that 8 years ago today, he entered eternal life. I have met many bishops and heard of many cardinals since my days of being in the Archdiocese of NY, but Cardinals Cooke and O'Connor hold a special place in my heart and I think it's their staunch support of the pro-life movement. I talk to them almost daily as they are my Cardinals. At the Papal Mass I couldn't help but miss my Cardinal and my Pope, JP2. Don't get me wrong I love Benedict, but JP2 was pope for the majority of my life. Maybe my insane defense of the Church comes from being named for the Blessed Mother, having Christ as part of my middle name, and for chosing Anne as my Confirmation name or maybe it's simply because I was baptized on the 12th of December, the feast of our Lady of Guadalupe. Who knows what caused it, but it is who I am.

I say it proudly that I am a perfectionist, traditionalist, conservative, young Catholic woman. As my t-shirt says I am proud to be Catholic and I love the rules Holy Mother Church has laid out for us, I just wish more people would come to love them as much as I do.

Grad School

Since January of 2001 I have been giving thought to graduate school. Usually I'm pissed at the Catholic school I'm working at and want to jump ship and move to Ohio, or I'm just annoyed at where I'm working and want a change. This year brings the same thoughts, but I like my babysitting gig, I'm helping 2 families out and getting paid for it. Granted the only thing that sucks is the whole lack of health insurance and it being a non-taxable job. ;) Well that's not a bad thing, but when the what have you been doing question comes up in an interview, I get to say babysitting, and get the "what is wrong with you look."

I'm tired of the same shit, of getting a job I think will be great, having it suck and then me losing it, and I get screwed for having some fucking morals. I want to know why I was the only member of the religion faculty to go to the March for Life last year, seriously, I was hired to make religion fun for the students and when I did that, I was accused of not being loyal to the Church. Bite me, you can't get more loyal than I am. I was sure as shit teaching "Church teaching" the kids are just so damn tired of hearing the same shit year after year, they'd rather see you living it and being true to what you are saying than just spewing shit from a book, a monkey could do that.

I'm tired of being the black sheep of the family because I'm "republican" guess what I'm against the killing of innocent babies in the womb, that's why I'm not a democrat. I'm probably more of a democrat than a republican any way, but I can not support a party that says it's ok to kill the unborn, and I can't comprehend why so many "Catholics" are democrats and ok with the baby killing. My extended family and my own family looks at me like I'm crazy for being " a one issue voter" You know what I am a one issue voter, I can comprehend how parents get up and argue on a national debate of who's more pro-abortion. I do not want to see the work of the last 8 years get tossed down the shitter because we want "change" No matter whom we stick in that office, the economy is going to suck, and apparently live will to.

People need to stop living in the fantasy world of I need 2 cars to survive, and I need 2 bedrooms per child because I need the big ass house or apartment. Dude all you need is a mommy and daddy room, a girls room and a boys room. After a while if you're like my friends and I you'll need to upgrade simply because the house will be too small for your 10 kids. ;)

I don't get it. Looking back on the past few years, I feel like I'll never get out of this hell hole. I so planned on being out of the house by now, I can't stand being asking where I'm going and all those other questions. I'm freaking 28 years old, if I want to go out I'm going to go out.

Oh well, it's midnight and since I've up all day and letting the lack of sleep affect me, I should just go to bed.