January 25th, yet another day I will not forget

As I sit here having a beer or 3 and watching status updates appear on Facebook of "RIP", "prayers" all while typing up the Cornerstone team schedule, I am reminded of 13 years ago of when I woke to the phone call that would in essence change my life.

I remember it like it was yesterday, I had just gotten back from my first March for Life, and my first RCIA retreat(I was a sponsor in the program), which explains why I was on campus that infamous Sunday morning.  The phone rang around 9am and I heard my roommate say, "she's here"; I picked up the phone and heard "It's Jacqi, Gary was killed in a car accident last night."  I don't remember the full conversation, all I remember hearing was Gary was killed.  I took it all in stride, no tears yet. Jacqi mentioned that Fr. Geno was having a prayer service that night at St. Anthony's so I called my friend Carol to tell her, and I remember that she called me back to make sure she wasn't crazy that I had actually said "Gary had died." I remember going out into the hallway so not to disturb my roommate to call my mom, I barely got the words to her when the tears came. I have never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeves, so the tears lasted probably while I said what happened.  I remember walking to a fellow student's, who happened to go to high school with me, dorm and leaving a note on his door.

My dad came and got me so I could be home for the prayer service.  I distinctly remembering getting to St. Anthony's that night and seeing people at the Church who had been at youth group, whom I had seen in high school, and I certainly remember some of them not being very religious. I remember being on the steps just hugging fellow former youth group members and high school classmates.  We eventually went inside the Church, and Fr. Geno stared the prayer service and he told us at some point that   "if we died because of something stupid he was going to come up there and kick our ass."  It got us to smile and laugh and that is what mattered the most then.

I returned to Seton Hall confused, and obviously came home for the wake, my mother wouldn't let me go to Mass, some excuse of missing classes, but it didn't matter whether or not I was at the funeral Mass, it wasn't going to change anything.  All it might have done was allow the pain, sorrow and reality to sink in slightly faster.

Like I said I returned to Seton Hall a very confused young adult.  I did things that semester I never thought I would do, I pledged and joined a sorority.  Thinking back on it, that was about all I did, I wasn't a drug user and I certainly didn't drink yet.  ;)  It was a drunk driver that killed Gary after all.

I was very active with Campus Ministry and I remember signing up to spend an hour a week at Adoration in the "main Chapel".  I sat in the very last pew on the right hand side, this way I could see who was coming in next and what was going on.  I sat there and ask questions of, "Why God, how could you do this, why G, he was one of the good guys."  I sat there remembering our college ski trip, roughly a month before Gary's death, where at a Burger King a conversation took place between Fr. Geno, a Holy Cross alumni and lacrosse player, and Gary, a Holy Cross student and ruby player, about which sport was better.  I doubt any of us thought this was going to be the last trip we would be on together.

Oddly and by God's strange sense of humor, almost always I end up teaching CCD and/or Confirmation in Gary's mom's class room.  A constant reminder of the saint watching over me.  13 years have gone by quickly, the tears still come, but amid them come the happy memories of youth group and of watching baseball games, of which Gary was a member, after track practice.  I know we weren't friends and didn't hang out, but at youth group it never mattered what group you were part of at school, we were all the same.  Gary's death sent that fact home, we're all the same, we're all children of God and God calls us home whenever He feels like it.

Not a retreat talk goes by without mention of Gary's death, because it is the event that caused me to question my faith, to wonder what God was doing.  It also allowed me to talk to a very wise priest who said "don't ask why, ask how, what, how can this help me, what can come from this."   I never thought I'd get my answer 2 years later when the fire happened at Seton Hall and my friends were going through what I had already gone through.  From Gary's death came me finding my faith, may my running home to the Catholic faith and Church. The questioning led to a switching of majors and that led to it's own set of challenges, but over all I learned that God does know what He's doing despite us not wanting to know or admit it. Gary's death prepared me for John, Frank and Aaron's funerals (SHU Fire), which in turn prepared me for John and Dennis' funerals (Sept. 11th), which in turn almost prepared me for Fiona's, Bernadette's, and Nicholas' funerals.

Time does heal all wounds, but the wounds don't fully heal, they reopen a tiny bit each time you remember, but then you also remember how awesome it is to have the Communion of Saints watching over you and praying for and with you.  


In all the yeas that I have written and given retreat talks, Gary's death always comes up because it really is the first time that I questioned my faith, questioned God and wondered what He was doing.  It would be through      Gary's death that I could later minister to my friends and show them that time does heal, but that the wound is never fully healed and that it opens up a little each year.

I often think of Gary up in Heaven playing with Fiona, Bernadette, Nicholas and now Owen, because Heaven is just one big party.  ;)

January 19th a day I will never forget

It seems like only yesterday that a phone call woke my roommate and I up at 5am.  The question from her mother of "there's a fire on campus, are you ok?" made us jump out of our beds after responding, yeah we're fine, to look out our window and there I saw a sight that I will never forget.  I saw outside of Boland Hall firetrucks, ambulances, and other emergency vehicles and wrongly assumed everything was ok.  I guess at that point everything was under control, but it certainly wasn't ok as I would find out.  My roommate and I did the best college thing you could think of, we went back to bed as everything seemed under control.  We got another phone call at 7am asking "what the hell is going on up there, I hear 3 people are dead."  Well that was it, we were awake, we had no idea what was going on and immediately turned on the tv.  My roommate like to watch Good Day NY, and I still remember how somber Jim Ryan was reporting the news of the Seton Hall Fire.  For anything on Good Day NY to be somber was odd as they were usual a "fun" news set, so it stayed with me.


Now that we were awake we did again what any normal college kid would do, we went for breakfast, but not after a few calls were made and some information was found out.  We managed to find out the fire was on the 3rd floor, the floor we used to live on. The third floor also happened to be where a friend from high school lived.  This friend's brother was killed accidentally two years before, so my thoughts where "Oh God, no, not again, You're not going to do this me again."  Thankfully that friend was one of the first people I saw when we out to walk to the cafeteria for breakfast.    We weren't out of our dorm for 2 minutes before we  heard "Pete can't find his brother."  I knew right away that "Pete's brother" was one of the three who had died, but I held out every last bit of hope that he wasn't one of them.


We continued on to breakfast, because you had to eat.  Everything on campus was cancelled.  The day was spent going from the cafe to the Main Lounge for updates to the Chapel for Mass and prayer. Eventually we were told go home, go home and be with your families.  So my friend Kelly, who lived in Albany and I decided that since I was on the way home for her, that I would drive to my house and then she would drive herself the rest of the way. Before we did any of that, we went to visit our friend Bridget who wasn't on campus that morning as she was a commuter.  I don't remember much of that small trip to Bridget's. I do remember one of her oldest sister's kids was having a birthday party that evening, so she went over there and Kelly and I started on our way home.  We made it onto the Garden State Parkway and around 7pm the names of the three young men who had died were released.  All I heard was "John Gu..." and my fears from the morning came true, Pete's brother was one of the three. We turned around at the next exit and found Bridget at her sister's house, which is why I remember that someone had a birthday. We didn't go in as they knew why we were there.  We went to Bridget's house, which was a block away from her sister's house, and somehow managed to find out the details about John's wake and funeral.  Kelly and I then continued on our way home.


While I can never change the events of that day, I can think of how well the Seton Hall Community came and still comes together.  Over facebook a good portion of my fellow Seton Hall Alumni, most of us there that day, and a newly minted alumn, changed our profile pictures to Blue Ribbons.  Those ribbons were handed out 11 years ago for the prayer services that followed that eventful day, and the message of "Never Forget: you are always a pirate" still rings true.


John, Frank, and Aaron's,well John's wake and funeral brought back all the memories of just two years before when Gary died.  I asked a very smart priest "why, why would God let this happen?" and he responded with, "Don't ask why, ask how, what can come from this."   Little did I know that I would be the rock, the one who had been through something like this already, the one who knew the memories would never go away.


I remember returning to campus, and then going to John's wake and funeral Mass, and how crowded both were.  I remember the media trying to get reactions out of us, the media crashing funeral Masses. I remember Seton Hall offering buses so that students could go to their fellow students' funerals.  I remember returning back to campus the Sunday night after John's wake, and being at the 10pm Mass, as I had yet to go, and having Fr. Jim asking for someone to read, and somehow I was volunteered.  I remember asking him, how do I pronounce Frank's last name, as I knew the other two.  Somehow I made it through reading the readings, and petitions including the names of my fellow students who had died.


11 years ago seems so far away, yet the memories come rushing back every January 19th.  I think of complaining about the snow, ice, and rain on the 18th and then laughing, because it always seems to snow around the 19th, but never on it.  I remember someone once telling me that John loved snow, and I can't help but take the snow or winter weather as a sign, that John is up there with Frank, Aaron, Gary and all the other saints in Heaven watching over us and praying for us.


Gary's 13th anniversary is fast approaching, and I remember being on that 3 floor of Boland Hall, being a lost freshman, not knowing what to think or do.  God's love is amazing when you think about it.  He allows us to know what He felt by allowing His Son to come down to Earth and grow like us, and die like we will.  What we forget is that God must have suffered watching His Son on that cross, all the while knowing it was what His people needed.  There is great solace in the idea that Jesus' parents suffer pain and sorrow the way we do.


Réquiem ætérnam dona eis,  Dómine; et lux perpétua lúceat eis, Requiéscant in pace. Amen. Rest in Peace John, Frank and Aaron.


My prayers go out to the Giunta, Caltibilota, and Karol families and to the extended Seton Hall family, that has not forgotten, nor have we forgotten the actions of those injured that day, my prayers as with them as well.  

St. Paul Inside the Walls

A while back I got an e-mail saying that the young adult group at St. Paul Inside the Walls, the Paterson Diocese's evangelization center, was planning a trip to Rome. I thought about not going for a few minutes and then said yes, and made a commitment to do more at the center.  Granted Fr. Geno who is running the center was the priest who started youth ministry at my parish and I've known and loved him for years, 17 to be exact, and that is kind of scary, but still.  So I decided to do more with the young adult group as it really was a petty reason why I wasn't down there. I opted for the young adult connection meetings as they fall on my day off and it's easier for me to get there on time for stuff.  Yesterday's discussion evolved around the Immaculate Conception/Mary, laughter, and on an odd note the whole abuse scandal.  On Sunday, the NJ Star Ledger, ran a story on the Archdiocese's so called handling of priests who have been accused.  I had read the Archdiocese response before I read the actual article. I went skimmed the Star Ledger article and some of the comments (I don't know why I read those either) and it was filled with the same story we hear all the time.  The church does moves them around, the church doesn't care.

Wrong Star Ledger, the Church does care and always has.  The Church is made up of humans of which we are all sinners and not perfect.  Priests are not perfect, I'm not perfect, humanity is not perfect, we just have to deal with it.  I want to know when the Star Ledger will do a cover story on the countless "good" priests out there, you know the ones running Evangelization centers, caring for the abuse victims, the man who helps a family mourn the loss of a loved one, helping/counseling those in need.  Yes the Church needs vocations, true vocations.  Most guys know what they are getting into when they enter the seminary or so I hope they do.

In my 31 years I have met with and dealt with many priests, some I've liked, some I've disliked and others I have loved.  Those that fall under the love category are those that have shown me what being a priest truly is.  It is the priest who is happy in his vocation, the one who can laugh and cry with you, all the while still being human and above all a friend.  

Where have I been...

Seeing as it's been quite some time since I updated I might as well explain my absence.  Working a full time job from 9-6 actually takes away a lot of time for me to sit and just stare at the computer screen.  Considering our registers at work are computers, the last thing I really want to do when I come home is sit and type or play on the internet.  I also tend to blog about the homilies I heard but since Fr. Brian moved I really don't have anything to blog about.  I am taking on the task of co-directing the Women's Cornerstone retreat at the parish. I know I'm crazy, but it should be worth it.  I'm also going to spend the next few entries discussing my photography skills and pics from the Paterson Diocese's pilgrimage to the National Shrine in DC and from the dedication of St. Paul Inside the Walls The Catholic Center for Evangelization at Bayley-Ellard, the center is the first of it's kind and will hopefully be a wonderful investment and growth for Paterson Diocese.  For the most part I have spent my days working, evenings watching TV and sleeping, some nights are spent watching tv at a friend's apartment, and some others have me at meetings for Church.

Priests

So we got the news today that Fr. Brian is being promoted to pastor of St. Joseph's in Newton. It's a bittersweet promotion, for him and us. I fully understand why Bishop Serratelli would promote Fr. Brian as he is a great priest and is traditional and conservative, which is what a Catholic should be. I have yet to put into words what Fr. Brian has done for me over his 4 years at the parish.  His transfer did inspire me to write about those priests in my life that have really stood out and touched my life more so than just being the guy who says Mass.  I've often said there has been one priest in my life at certain times too see me through that time, and it does seem that way.  I'm privileged to know as many priests as I do and to be able to count on them for their prayers and ability to answer my wacky questions.  On that note I need to ask Fr. Brian a question about Women's Cornerstone as I've been asked a few times to run the darn thing.  I just don't if I'm up for it.  Oh well that question will have to wait until later today after the Extraordinary Minister Training meeting, oh I think I need to blog about those too.

Diocese of Paterson's Chrism Mass

I finally made it to the Diocese's Chrism Mass.  I borrowed a camera from work and got some pictures but most of them are fuzzy as either I or the priest was moving and the flash was off.  Oh well, it wasn't about taking pictures it was about the priesthood and good, holy priests.  The Mass was bilingual of course Bishop Serratelli preached in both Spanish and English, with the English portion getting the bulk of the homily, though I'm pretty sure that basically the same thing was said in either language.  As usual I don't remember much of what the Bishop said in his homily, but I do remember thinking as I sat way in the back of our Cathedral, "he's preaching to his priests."  He did not let his priests, himself or his people off the hook. He called all of us to be true to the Church, to not be afraid to be Catholic and to speak out.  He reminded his priests and his people, that the priests are called liked St. Peter and how much like St. Peter most begin their priesthood with enthusiasm and vigor and slowly they begin to ask questions, be it, where do I get the money for all our programs, our school, our buildings.  Bishop Serratelli went on to speak on how we need good holy men, like those there tonight and I couldn't help but think he's preaching to the choir, but our priests do need to hear thanks and good job because so often they are put down and ignored because they are speaking the truth.

The homily was geared towards the priests but that doesn't mean the lay person can't take anything away from it, as basically the priest is called to teach and defend Church Teaching as are the faithful members of the Church and Bishop Serratelli said as much.  At the end of the Mass we got the short "second homily" as Fr. Brian calls it or as most others would call it the comments before the close of Mass.  In this short but forceful commentary the good Bishop reminded the people that it was our duty to pray for and defend Church teaching especially now as the Freedom of religion is being challenged and how laws are against what we teach.  I remember actually saying "Rock on Serratelli!" as I stood at the back after Communion so I could position myself to take pictures of the priests and deacons walking out.

The Chrism Mass is one of those that is often said to be the priests' Mass as they are renewing their commitment to the priesthood and to the Diocese as is the Bishop.  One of my favorite parts of any con-celebrated Mass is when the priests all chant the "through Him, with Him and in Him" at the end of the Eucharistic prayer.  I don't know why but I have always liked that.  I also remember at the beginning of the Eucharistic prayer and I'm sure it's actually in the prayer but it was nice to hear "Holy Mother Church", and to have the Church referred to in the feminine pronouns.  

What also strikes me is how happy the priests are, I knew a good few of the men there, but the ones I know personally and with whom I still keep in contact with, Fathers Brando, Brian, Martin, George, Kevin, Geno and of course the Bishop all had smiles on their face.  Fr. George had his classic ear to ear grin on. Fr. Kevin was very happy to see me and actually waved to me which was odd, but Fr. Kevin actually me recently.  Fr. Brian and Fr. Martin see me all the time as they are my parish priests.  Fr. Geno was in classic Fr. Geno mode of just happy.  Fr. Brando was typical of himself, a huge smile to greet me along with the classic you look great comment, he will always be one of my favorites just for that.  ;)

I don't know if my parish priests saw me or not, but when I went to Mass on Tuesday Fr. Martin came back into the Church and said "Mary nice to see you" and gave me the usual kiss greeting. While not overly out of the ordinary it was not at all how he normally greets me, makes me wonder if either he's finally gotten used to the parish or if he actually saw me at the Chrism Mass but opted to not say anything.

Anyway Bishop Serratelli gave a wonderful homily and reminded us that we need to pray for and defend the Church now more than ever and that we need to give our children to the Church for vocations.  I've often said to myself and God, "you can have all my sons, just give me a good holy Catholic man to have some with."  God can have the girls too, but I've always felt like the sons should I have any would be priests.  Oh well, that's not happening anytime soon.

As usual the Chrism Mass was beautiful and a great way to start Holy Week.  Hopefully I can participate fully in the Triddumm this year and not just Friday and Saturday, but that's up to the Holy Spirit.

Lent workout

I finally started on my "giving up being lazy" thing for Lent. I've used my treadmill 2 times which is more than I have used it in quite sometime. The first time I used it was for 15 minutes and my right knee, which happens to the one with a repaired ACL was sore as Hell. I did go out for a walk on Sunday as I borrowed a camera from work to take pictures of the snow. I figured I did not need to use the treadmill as I was out for 2.5 hours. Tonight I opted, after watching Biggest Loser, to get my ass on the treadmill for a total of 17 minutes of which 5 total were running and the rest were walking, in total I ran over a 1/4 mile which was nice. Now the plan is to improve from there otherwise known as get back to what I used to be able to run and one day run the Disney Marathon.

Lent

Somethings I'm thinking of for Lent...

Give up being lazy when it comes to the treadmill as if it's for Lent I have a better shot at actually doing something.

Daily Mass which is more like weekly Mass as I can only go on Tuesdays.

Maybe a weekly Rosary for the unborn.

I do like Fr. Philip's idea of a holy hour and reminded us that it doesn't have to be adoration, but just simply sitting in the Church... I remember Bishop Serratelli saying that at one point.

that's a good start, lol.

blogging from me phone

Seeing how easy difficult it is to blog from my new droid eris. so far it does not seem too bad, but there is a lag in the touch keyboard.

Walk to Run take 2; day 1

Since I finally got that treadmill I've been asking for it's about time I make use of it. As I have mentioned before I have an iPod which I got for one simple reason to use with the Nike+ stuff. I am fully aware that Nike supports Planned Parenthood, but so do a lot of companies and while it annoys me that some of my money goes to PP, I know there are other ways to help the unborn.

Anyway, I have once again started the Nike+ coach plan titled walk to run, and I figure that if I have to upload the info to their page that I also might as well blog about it as it hold me accountable to whomever might actually read this. So day one, which was today went wall, then again walking 15mins isn't that bad.

The Walk to Run program is a 12 week program that is supposed to bring me from walking to running 30 minutes straight or 1.86 miles. My goal is to run in 2 races this coming Spring and Fall. The first one is the Dennis P. McHugh 5k walk/run in May. Though if it is on a Saturday, like I think it will be, I may not be able to participate as I usually work on Saturdays, but it's a goal none the less. My dad went to school with and worked with Dennis' (who was one of the 393 firefighters killed on Sept. 11th) father, so it would be nice to run in it for that reason alone. The second race I would like to partake in is the "Tunnel to Towers Run" This run retraces the steps of Firefighter Steven Siller who literally ran with his equipment on his back from the Brooklyn tunnel to the Twin Towers, who also is numbered in the 393. This race is on a Sunday, so it's doable. It's also in September so I have plenty of time to "train" for it.

So thus begins my journey to get my lazy ass running again. It's also a good excuse to start losing weight. Here's hoping I can stick with it this time around, being able to run and or walk inside the house will help alot with that.

Anyway, day 1 went well and we'll see what the rest of the program will bring with it. According to nike+.com I was supposed to walk .62 miles and I walked .83 miles, so I'm already ahead of their target for me. For those who care this the info as the iPod gives it:

Distance: 0.83 mi

Time: 15:13

Pace: 18:15 min/mile

Calories: 111

and the big number aka my weight is somewhere around 175lbs, I know I can't believe I actually admitted how much I weigh as well, lol.

There are slight discrepancies between the treadmill and the iPod, I'm following the iPod as it spells it out for me.