What am I looking for?
That is the question, what am I looking for. Like Fr. Mike said “an answer.” I am looking for the easy way out of this, I want the neon sign but I don’t want to have guess or figure out is this the sign or if am I doing the right thing.
What decision is weighing on you?
That’s a good question. I don’t know if it’s a decision as much as a situation. For years I have struggled with ministry or teaching. It’s always been between those two. I gave up on marriage approximately ten years ago, so it’s not that, I am fine with my vocation of “friend to priest”
What is preoccupying your mind and your heart?
Another good question. The whole situation with the former work place, and how it has left me feeling about teaching. When it’s dad’s time to go has long been on my heart and mind, so I have come to just live with it. I feel like I am stuck in a Dark Night and that it will never end. There are glimpses of the faith that once was, I saw that yesterday in going to 10 for Mass. I mean I got my favorite priest (well one of my favorites), smells, bells, and water aka incense, good music, and a sprinkling rite. I want the feeling that I get at and from Mass to last longer than a few hours. I miss the faith I had in college, I miss the trust I had.
What does the discernment process feel like for you right now?
The same as it always does, torture. Not really but it is a pain. I don’t know why I feel like I have to do it alone. I count a select few priests as close friends or close enough to know what is really going on and yet I haven’t really brought any of this to them, not even the one I say was my spirit director in college.
What is the root question that you are asking?
The first thing to come to mind is what job, so I go to ministry by taking that leap. Do I stick with teaching even though the more I look at education the worse it gets. Maybe I am looking for confirmation in a decision.
If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be?
This might be the easiest one to answer. In college things seemed to work out the way I thought they would or I he no problem with them. Then a long time boyfriend never popped the question and I lost that trust in my gut feelings because I was convinced I would be married and have an army of kids. I had that trust and it seems to have gone away. I know God has a plan for me and I know it is better than anything I could ever come up with but deep down that trust isn’t what it used to be. I don’t want to say gone because it’s not gone I just don’t believe in it as much as I used to.
Come Holy Spirit
The amount of times I have said that simple prayer usually before writing a talk or lesson for RCIA and confirmation. “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and deliver in them the fire of your love.” If my memory serves me right.
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