Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything.
The questions: (from the introduction)
Lord, what do You want me to do?
I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones. Now all I feel is lost and confused. I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.
Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?
Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing. If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not. Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words. I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.
Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work?
I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have. I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest. Sadly, now one would have questioned that. I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money. I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43, I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans.
Do you trust in His plan?
This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep.
Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead?
This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things, I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.
The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:
What are you seeking?
I wish I knew. I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness. I want to know what God is actually calling me to. Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry. I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get. I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that. I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing.
What are you looking for?
I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for. Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others. I guess I am looking for where I should be.
What is the cry of your heart?
To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people.
What excites you about life?
Honestly, right now nothing. I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen. Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest.
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
It was work, even though I hated it. I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word. Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it.
What is weighing on your mind?
That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do. That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away.
What are you avoiding?
In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things. Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of.
What are you trying to bury deep?
Everything. I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't. Nothing has been the same over the past three years. I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.
What are you wrestling with?
Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.
What are you willing to sacrifice for?
I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.
How do you define a great life?
My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money.
What are you seeking?
Holiness, why did that just pop into my head. I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking. I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do.
What purpose has God put on your heart?
I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry.
Do you even believe that you have a purpose?
The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.
The reflection questions:
What am I seeking?
This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer. I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up.
What is weighing on my mind and heart?
Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy. I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore. I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants.
When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?
I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43. I regret things already, do I really need to add to it. I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me.
What matters most to me?
I would say family, but it's not. I could say faith, but I don't know about that either. I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know. My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.
I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things. I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right. No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it. I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way.
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