Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Bobby Angel

It always makes me laugh how Bobby’s story hits me almost as much as Fr. Mike’s does. 

I experience a fear of ________

Looking at the story and what I have written in the past holds true still today. I fear not being perfect, of failing, of disappointing someone. I also fear not being connected with someone, I fear that friendship will be rejected. 

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

The fear of not being perfect probably stems from years of competitive Irish step dance. The fear of failing in school and disappointing my parents. I never saw it like that at the time but it’s possible. All fear comes from Satan, God loves His children and doesn’t want us to suffer but He allows it. It’s what my father said to me “what are you going to do when I am gone” it was said with that my daughter has amounted to nothing in his voice. That my choosing religion, teaching or ministry is exactly as they said pointless. It’s never been about the money for me, it’s a nice perk but not what I went into ministry for. 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

I wish I knew. I long thought it was ministry but never really got settled in that. I recently thought it was teaching but now I am not so sure of that either. That word great makes it abound like it needs to be something special  and it doesn’t. I want people to know and love God and His Church. I just wish I knew how to do it better than I do. 

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for His goodness. 

My usual prayer of “take me sinful, sorrowful, and unworthy as I am and make me Yours” comes to mind. Lord, help me to trust You and Your plan for my life. Help me to see what you have planned for my life. Guide me, protect me, keep me safe. 

Scripture to pray with:

Psalm 118:6  “With the Lord on my side I do not fear. What can man do to me?” 

Haggi: 2:5 - “My Spirit abides among you: fear not.

John 16:33 “I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

These are Scripture passages that I don’t really know but the idea of “be not afraid” is in them. Maybe, I probably won’t sit and think about them but maybe at some point I will think of them. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Jackie Angel

 Who am I?

My initial answer was "a child of God" I mean that's the easy answer.  I used to say I was a teacher, long before I would say child of God.  I am willing to admit that to myself and to the select group of friends that won't make sure of me for it.  I guess that's the ultimate questions, who am I, what am I.

What gifts have I received from the Father?

Plenty, normally I go with my ability to public speak, to sing (in the choir, I am not comfortable to bust out on my own), to dance. My life, my gifts and talents, even if I don't acknowledge them or want to acknowledge them. I know the Catholic faith and can pretty much answer most questions tossed at me.  

What activities do I usually use to define myself?

My former job, teaching, then again I always qualified it by acting like what I did wasn't really teaching. I'm a runner, well walker/runner, see even that I qualify. I have done two half marathons and many other races yet I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  I use the things I like to define myself. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved Child of God?

Myself, God's not going to give up on me no matter how hard I make it.   I don't know if I have issues seeing myself as a child of God, maybe there are issues with beloved, but not being one of His.  That's my usual response to the odd inclinations of not wanting to go to Mass, I am His, and I am not leaving Him and His Church.  Maybe I just don't see it fully. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not?

Sometimes, it stems from real life, not that God is imaginary, it just stems from knowing that my earthly father loves, but that at times it doesn't seem that way.  

Take It to Prayer: I am willed, I am loved, and I am necessary.  My God, help me to believe this.

You are a beloved Child of God. I can never lose the love of God not matter what. "Each of us is the result of a thought of God," Pope Benedict XVI asserted. "Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." 

This is a question I don't seem to struggle with as much as the what are you seeking one.  I guess I've come to terms with being God's child.  The idea of being necessary is probably the hardest, who really needs me, I'm not anyone's mother or caregiver.  I know people would miss me if I died, but  I am not necessary to any of them carrying on with their lives.  

Half crazy

You all see the nut job who did a half marathon, I kind of see her. What I really see is that chunky mid section. I don’t see the person who ran approximately 80 mins of those 202 minutes it took to finish. I see the 8 to 10 minute mile from high school that is now doubled. I see the teen who took no notice of running a mile who can now barely run a quarter mile without having to walk. I don’t see the ACL scar from the fall that helped to slow me down and add some of the extra weight. Don’t worry you can’t see it either, my surgeon was very particular about making sure my scar wasn’t huge. While I love them I don’t see the giant claves that came from all those years of Irish dance and track. I don’t see the legs that danced on Carnegie Hall’s stage multiple times.  I don’t see the weirdo who has now done two half marathons and shaved 20 mins off that first half. I see what I was and what I want to be. 

Should I see the crazy lady who did 13.1 miles yes, yes I should but I don’t.

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Fr. Mike Schmitz

I feel like I am taking a step back in time with this whole discernment thing. Two years ago I was questioning all my activities with the Church and beginning the process of leaving crazy day care number one. I’m now officially out of day care number which I thought would be better but was actually worse. I’m out of there for doing the right thing and I know that because I would do it again. 

Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything. 

The questions: (from the introduction)

Lord, what do You want me to do?

I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones.  Now all I feel is lost and confused.  I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.  

Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?

Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing.  If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not.  Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words.  I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.  

Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work? 

I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have.  I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest.  Sadly, now one would have questioned that.  I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money.  I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43,  I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans. 

Do you trust in His plan?

This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep. 

Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead? 

This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things,  I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.  

The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:

What are you seeking?

I wish I knew.  I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness.  I want to know what God is actually calling me to.  Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry.  I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get.  I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that.  I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing. 

What are you looking for?

I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for.  Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others.  I guess I am looking for where I should be. 

What is the cry of your heart?

To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people. 

What excites you about life?

Honestly, right now nothing.  I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen.  Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest. 

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

It was work, even though I hated it.  I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word.  Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it. 

What is weighing on your mind?

That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do.  That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away. 

What are you avoiding?

In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things.  Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of. 

What are you trying to bury deep?

Everything.  I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't.  Nothing has been the same over the past three years.  I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.  

What are you wrestling with?

Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.  

What are you willing to sacrifice for? 

I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.

How do you define a great life?

My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money. 

What are you seeking? 

Holiness, why did that just pop into my head.  I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking.  I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do. 

What purpose has God put on your heart?

I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry. 

Do you even believe that you have a purpose?

The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.  

The reflection questions:

What am I seeking?

This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer.  I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up. 

What is weighing on my mind and heart?

Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy.  I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore.  I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants. 

When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?

I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43.  I regret things already, do I really need to add to it.  I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me. 

What matters most to me? 

I would say family, but it's not.  I could say faith, but I don't know about that either.  I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know.  My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.

I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things.  I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right.  No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it.  I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way. 

21 Years later

As I sit on the porch I think where has 21 years gone.  I was 21 when the Towers fell and it's been 21 years since they fell, so it's all a bit weird.  My brain goes all over the place so I will try to keep it in some semblance  of order, but it may not work out that way. I will admit it is surreal to hear planes in the sky today, as it was so eerily quiet following the attack. 

The question is always asked "Where were you?" on this day. Here's my answer:

 I was 21 and had just started what would be my extra and final semester at Seton Hall.  Being an experienced student at that point my classes were later in the day or I may not have had any on that particular day. That I don't remember, what I do remember is what I did that day.  Typical college kid I was asleep at 8:30am, possibly awake and just laying in bed, either way I was in my room.  I remember mom, in her typical style (which I never thought I would miss but I do) barged in and said "a plane hit one of the twin towers"  I thought who flies into a giant building, thinking it was a small plane and a mistake."  This shows how time affects things, I am pretty sure mom came in to say "a second plane it." and I thought ok, what is going on. Something, looking back it was the Holy Spirit prompted me to get out of the house and wash my car.  Oddest thing to do but I did it.  I had turned on PLJ, and remember how somber Scott and Todd were, there was no usual antics just straight forwardness and confusion. Not a hundred percent sure on the memory of this either but my next door neighbor at the time (a new one has moved in since) said "one of the towers fell.  I know full well that God did not have in front of a TV screen because my memory has always been vivid and the last thing I needed was my brain flooded with the image of the second plane hitting. 

Random side note and theological musings:  If anyone was to look at me they know I bleed Catholicism and I love my faith and relationship with God, but back then I would say my faith and relationship were at the highest they have been or I was just more attune to things.  May of 2001 was a trip to Rome and then later that Summer a trip to Ireland and I remember how extremely worried about flying I was.  I don't like to fly to begin with and something was telling that planes weren't safe, but I went anyway.  When I went to bed on Sept. 10th I remember having an overwhelming feeling of many people needing help, so when the Towers came down I did what I still do I prayed.  

Back to our regularly scheduled where was I story: I was cleaning my car, listening to Scott and Todd, neighbor coming out to say "one of the towers fell" so I decided to join the rest of the world and watched TV with my mom.  (I miss that too, mom entered eternal life in February 2020.) The rest of the day continued with us watching the news and contacting family.  We didn't have Facebook or instant messages in the way we do now, so we had to reassure our family 3,000 miles away in Ireland that we were indeed safe and fine.  It took my dad 2-4 hours to get home, my aunt offered to let his stay at her house but I guess he wanted to be home with us so he took many a detour and got back to us.  My brother worked in NYC, Midtown, not Lower so he was fine but it also took him forever to get home.  So where was I, I was at home, wishing desperately that I was in South Orange with my friends, but stayed home as you couldn't go anywhere. 

Speaking of my brother, if you have read this blog before, you know that my brother, smart ass that he is picked 9-1-1 as his wedding date so that "no one would forget" needless to say we have not forgotten and I am always happy to have the happy memories attached to this day.  In the years that have passed I usually think of Dennis and John, the two guys that we knew who were killed that day.  Dennis was one of the 343 FDNY killed that day and his funeral was one that I will never forget.  My dad and his dad grew up a town over from each other in Mayo, Ireland and while I never met Dennis we are forever linked by the events of 21 years ago.  Dennis' funeral was packed, a testament to the Irish community in this area.  The mayor of NYC got there while we waited on the long line to get in, we knew that because we knew one of the cops that was part of his security detail.  On the line ahead of us was a volunteer fire fighter from Rockland County.  There was no body at the wake, just a picture, and this man stood in front of the picture and saluted a fellow brother. It still makes me cry to this day.  Dennis' mom told my parents "all I want is a piece of his body, even if it's a finger, to bury."  Mrs. McHugh got her wish Dennis' body was found later on. The other thing that sticks out was the "daddy we will always remember you" flowers.  While I can't think of the actual ages, Dennis kids would be in the early to mid twenties and I am sure their dad is watching them from above.  Who would have thought that a man I never met would have such an impact on my life.  Now to John, the man I did know, but don't think of as much.  I was always "Peter's little sister" when we lived in the Bronx, that's what happens when you are 12 years younger than your brother.  I remember John, I remember being is his parent's apartment.  The joys of living in the Bronx you all knew each other.  John's memorial Mass was odd as it was a homecoming of sorts and just what he would have wanted. For us it had probably been 8 years since we were last at the parish in the Bronx.  I was just 21 and anyone who knew us kept saying, "oh no that's not little Mary" and I would respond with Mary's not so little anymore.  In remembering John's life, he worked for Cantor Fitzgerald so I assume he was gone in seconds or so I hope he was, we all gathered in what was our Church for many years.  We all united around the Eucharist first and then went downstairs to remember John in our own ways. John son never met his father or well wouldn't remember him as he was either born just before or just after the attacks.  

So yes two men, one whom I knew, and one who I never met are forever linked in this infamous day.  21 years have passed and it still seems like yesterday.  Rest easy gentlemen and say hi to mom for me. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 2 Search and Discern refection 1 aka Fr. Mike

Fr Mike Schmitz mentions the question "What do you want me to do?" about his own discernment and I laugh because that is my question too. I looked back at the reflection from three months ago and laughed as it was all about stepping away from St. Anthony's. The vicar leaving was the catalyst for me to say, you know what I need a break, I need to step away, even if it's to show myself all that I did for free. Don't get me wrong I loved my ministries here, but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again. 

God's timing is not my timing. I did not want my vicar to leave, but he needed to and he seems very happy in the new parish. I am blessed to have a newly ordained priest as my new vicar. I met him while he was a seminarian when the best friend who is now a priest was in the seminary. I am really happy he is here and he's great I just wish he arrived under different circumstances. I have said many times that I see myself in the former vicar, and I still do. I will forever be grateful that God send him here when He did. Perfect example of God's timing, when the former vicar arrived I was like who the heck is this and was weirded out by him, but there was something about how he said Mass that just spoke to me, not the homilies at first. Those props still went to Fr. Ray at the time, how the roles switched at the end. In the end I found another priest that became a friend. There is an unspoken connection with the deaths of our mothers, but the longing to be home; him Poland, me Ireland is the same. Two old souls in a modern world. In God's time we became friends, so if God can work with us two crazies to become friends He can work with me an anything. 

Fr. Mike mentions how discernment should be defined as "to agonize or wrestle with" and is that true. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I am wrestling with a decision that I know deep down but don't necessarily want to admit. The questions "what are you looking for?" And "what decision is weighing on you?" And "what is preoccupying your mind and heart?" The what am looking for is still "an answer to what do you want me to do?" Hence why I laughed when Fr. Mike mentioned it. The decision that is weighing on me is what job/career/vocation is mine. Do I want to stay teaching, do I make the jump to a regular school, do I go to ministry. Which one is it? Like stepping away from St. Anthony's the decision to leave where I work is pretty much settled, it's a matter of when. When do I want to leave my comfort zone. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

It seems to come and go every few months. I pick up the boom or something happens at work that just pushes me the wrong way and I make an emotional decision. It literally feels like I am being pulled in two directions. Teaching or ministry, while I know I can do both I question which one is it. 

What is the 'root' question that you are asking? Where does God want me, what does He want me to do. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? I think it's more fear of the unknown of not being in control of everything. I need to "let go and Let God" as the saying from high school goes. I feel like I trust God but do I really or am I being scrupulous in everything except getting my lazy self to confession. Am I scared of the answer or of what God actually wants me to do? 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry Chapter 1, Reflection 3

So I realized that there are three reflections per chapter, which makes sense as there are five chapters. So this reflection is on over coming fear and man did the whole thing speak to me. Fear of the unknown has long been my biggest or most prominent fear. I like being in control and knowing what is going to happen. However when I read the section again the unknown was not one of the fears I listed. The questions at the end of the section are: 

I experience a fear of__________.

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for his goodness. 

When I reread this section the fears I listed off were failure, disappointment, and not being perfect. It's odd that death and the unknown didn't even come to mind this time. It's not so much death that scares me as not knowing what will happen. Guess that's the over arching fear leading to failure and disappointment too. I will never be perfect so I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect but I am definitely a perfectionist.  For the longest time I believed in my "gut feelings" as they were usually spot on and then a Dark Night entered or rather I entered a dark night and I began to question that feeling, but it seems like I should usually trust it. I guess the fear of failure comes from me not being the best at what I have done, being fired, or being asked not to return. It's like I have been allowed to get away with stuff and then it comes back to bite me. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself and others and that stems from multiple failed interviews or thinking I was called to one thing and it being another. Being a perfectionist just seems to be my way, I know the things I am good at and I can do them well so when I mess up it drives me crazy. 

 

I have thought I have been called to ministry for a long time, but I can never seem to find the right ministry job. I am a procrastinator and therefore probably send my resume to places when it's too late but I always feel it's worth a shot. I am so torn between staying as an early childhood teacher and jumping to an actual school or going to full time ministry. I could send my resume to places outside the NY area but I don't know if I want to be that far away from my family. 

Trusting God is my big issue I claim that I do trust Him, but do I really trust in what He has planned for me. Why do I think I know better than He does. I know God works in His own time and with us so there is no sense in looking back and saying "what could have been?" At Mass this morning/afternoon I got to watch my best friend concelebrate with the guy who was his master of ceremonies two years ago. The joy I felt at seeing them is what I want to feel all time. 

Lord, guide me, protect me, keep me safe... That's the prayer I usually say before driving somewhere, I trust that God will keep me safe when traveling so why can't I trust that He will provide in all the other areas of my life. Momma Mary on this the feast of your Assumption help me to trust your son's plan for me. 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry! Chapter 1 Reflection 2

I underlined a whole bunch of things in this chapter, but I feel like that will be the case no matter what with most of these chapters. 

1. Who am I? Writing, well typing out who I am is weird because my initial thought was I am a child of God, but so often I forget that. I am a 41 year old woman who still lives at home and most people would scoff at that. When asked for bios on sites like Twitter and Instagram I would say I am a toddler teacher, reader, wannabe runner, a Mets fan, and Catholic. I don't stick Catholic on the end as an after thought as I feel that is what defines me or I wish that was what defined me. 

2. What gifts have I received from the Father? Interesting that it's Pentecost that I finally decided to sit down and answer these questions. I always start with my life, and then my talents. In high school that would have been my dancing, now I would say it's my ability to carry a tune. I don't like singing by myself in front of others, but stick me in a choir and I am all for it. I miss choir, stupid pandemic keeping us away from each other. Right now I want to say my ability to befriend priests, it's what is making my wanting to go to Confession hard. The vicar has hit the point where I don't know if I want to go to him, because we are friendly, not for any other reason. When asked about gifts I would say I don't have any, but I do. I don't mind talking in front of a group of people, but I hate small talk, unless I know and like you. I can care for 6 little one and two year olds by myself and manage to have them make it through the day usually unscathed. 

What activities do I usually use to define myself? Work, I always say teacher, but qualify it by saying toddler teacher because most people don't see me as an actual teacher. Mass goer, as that is the only other activity besides work that I go to. Walker, I want to walk more, actually I want to run. Irish sports fan, and baseball fan, I do love certain sports. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved child of God? Trust. I think I do see myself as God's but it takes a backseat. As I have started to watch it more and more I think of the first episode of the Chosen and the line you are mine. It's not a new line or a new idea it just brings the first home that I am God's. I usually pray "I am Yours, do with me as You want" at the offertory at Mass. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not? I am going to say no, because I have a decent relationship with my own father. I do lean more towards Jesus and Mary than I do on God the Father. So maybe I do struggle with seeing Him as a loving Father. Maybe I just simply struggle with seeing Him as a Father. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 1 Reflection 1

 I'm too lazy to go find a notebook and write these down, so the next best thing is a blog no one reads. 

Fr. Mike Schmitz's first question is also a Jesus question "what are you looking for?" The quick answer is an answer to my questions "Where do You want me?" and "What do You have planned for me?" I'm looking for answers and a confirmation of my decision to step away from ministry, even though I know I won't actually be stepping away if a few certain priests ask for help.  I'm so over the tension at St. Anthony's and maybe I just need to type up how I feel about that and some answers will appear.  I have become friends with the vicar as I call him, but long before that finally happened, I saw myself in him.  We are similar in many ways. In a way I am looking for a new home, a new church.  The last time I was looking for a job, I wasn't ready to leave St. Anthony's, I am now.  I'm still not ready to leave New Jersey as I can't imagine what it would have been like to be States and miles away when mom died. In a way I haven't properly mourned or grieved over that either.  She died and two weeks later the world shut down in a pandemic that's still going on.  

Fr. Mike asks "What purpose has God put on your heart? Do you even believe you have a purpose? Take some honest time to reflect on your life thus far. What is stirring in your imagination and in your heart?" As I read Fr. Mike's reflection, I saw myself in the I just want to help people.  I think now I also want to listen to people, I want to bring people to the Catholic Church, I want to pass on the faith, but I also love what I do, I really do love caring for the kids I have, they may drive me crazy, but I do love them.  This is why I am torn, every time I have gone towards paid ministry I end up doing something else.  I have a degree in Religion, minors in Catholic Studies and Latin, and a certificate in Evangelization, along with some credits towards my Masters of Theology.  Do I want to teach or do I want to minister or do I find a way to do both?  I do believe I have a purpose, for a while I thought it was to be a mother, but that's not going to happen, as it looks like a vocation to the single life is for me, it is what it is.  I feel I have found another vocation in being a friend to priests, granted that came from Charlie being ordained.  It's weird, I still see and think of him as Charlie, the friend vs. a priest, so many times I forget he is actually a priest, but he is one and I made it happen.  With the vicar, he's a priest who has become a friend, he will always be priest first then friend, Charlie is the opposite, friend first, then priest.  If I look at my life the only times besides retail that I have stayed in a job are teaching.  Do I go back to high school religion, I don't want the grades, I want to teach with out the issues of administration being there.  Do I look towards this new ministry of Catechist, it's not new, but it's different.  So yes I have a purpose and I thought I knew it, but I'm not sure now. Hence why I am reading a book on discernment.  

"honest time" is sitting here just typing words on honest reflection, am I becoming scrupulous, I am a perfectionist to an extent. I think my decision to step down from RCIA, and Confirmation is settled I am just looking for someone to say, yes you need to step away.  I think the vicar's situation is the catalyst I needed to say I need to step back and take time for myself.  I have felt as if confirmation preparation was pointless for many years.  All the way back to when we were doing the retreats, but I always said if one kid got something out of it, then it was worth all the heartache, I don't know if I feel that way anymore.  This is what it's like to be in my head, it's crazy I jump from place to place and idea to idea.  You'd think after all these years I'd know how to deal with myself.  I have long been a proponent of trusting my gut, but I lost that a long time ago when the Dark Night (I have been looking at too many Mets stories about Matt Harvey as I nearly typed Dark Knight, more on that man later) began to creep in.  I wish for things to happen and when they don't I don't know how to feel other than my imagination can be fairly active.  I think I use my walks and act like I am talking to another person just to get the thoughts out of or into or understood in my head. 

Am I making a difference, does what I do really matter, those are the two questions that came to mind when I was out walking yesterday. I was trying to get inside my head and in many ways I need to get out of my head.  

The reflection questions at the end of the chapter. 

1. What am I seeking? Honestly, I don't know.  The vicar in his homily today spoke about going above our wants and expectations and how when we do we are ascending and getting closer to our Great ascension to Heaven.  He asked some questions about being comfortable, financially stable, and in good health. I often say he and I are alike, good health made me laugh and cry as both his mother and mine died from cancer within two months of each other. Yet he put aside his grief to comfort me.  There is no way to describe that hug from him on Ash Wednesday in 2020, it was friendship, and I totally know what you are feeling all rolled into one.  Financially stable made me laugh as I have always worked for the Church, a school or in retail, none of which really pay a living wage. But it made me think, that other than being comfortable that I am honestly ok with the others not being 100% for me. I am at the age where health is going to decline anyway.  So what am I seeking, am I running from something, or just waiting for the neon sign that won't come.  I guess I am seeking answers or trying to find away to bring people to the Church, to actually pass on the Traditions and Teachings of the Church. 

2. What is weighting on my mind and heart? Right now it's the situation at the parish, I want that confirmation of "yes, you stepping away is what I want you to do" When I was looking at jobs it was oh no what will St. Anthony's do without me, now I'm at the point that I don't care what happens at the parish.  The vicar's decision seems to be my own catalyst to say, I am done.  I don't like disappointing people or change it's why I stay with something even if I don't like it. I like my routine and knowing what to expect.  The element of the unknown with interviews just doesn't appeal to me. 

3. When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing? I want to be able to say I followed God's will for my life.  I don't that I didn't do the best with that.  I want to bring people to the Church, and I most likely will never see that end result.  I want to be happy and joyful, I don't seem to have either at the moment. 

4. What matters most to me? I feel like my answer is yet again I don't know.  I am stuck in a rut, a dark night of sorts and I can't seem to get out of it. I want to say my faith and my family, but honestly I don't know if either one is up there at the moment. 

I can so confused, so tired and I just want the neon sign, but I know that's not how things work. 

Who Am I To Judge by Dr. Sri

I picked up "Who am I to Judge? Responding to Relativism with Logic and Love." by Edward Sri a good few years ago. I have known of Dr. Sri for a while as I heard him speak at a Defending the Faith conference at Franciscan University. My parish also uses his Symbolon videos for our RCIA program.  The book grabbed my attention a few years ago for the same reason I decided to finally pick it up and read it, the feeling of being alone in my thoughts and morals, even though I know I am not.  Each chapter has questions at the end of it and I figured typing my answers here would make as much sense as writing them down.  My answers will be in a different colored text and each chapter will get answered as I read it.  There are seven chapters with questions and then seven keys after that.  As you can tell I am typing this as I am reading the book.  Chapters 1 and 2 are Part 1 of the book, Chapters 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 are part 2, and the Seven Keys are Part 3 and then there is a conclusion and a post script.  

Chapter 1 - A New Kind of Intolerance

1. Have you ever felt afraid to bring up a moral topic or talk about a moral issue with your friends or family? Why were you afraid? What were you afraid of?

The short answer is yes. I don't know if I was afraid or more tired of constantly being on the defensive. I know when I bring up the topics of abortion, gay marriage, and transexual people in confirmation class that I am going to hear the classic retorts.  I guess I am afraid that I won't be liked, but then again why does that bother me.  

2. Joseph Ratzinger (Pope Benedict) was quoted as saying, "Today, having a clear faith based on the Creed of the Church is often labeled as fundamentalism." Do you think that's true? Explain.

I agree with Pope Benedict (I can't bring myself to call him by his given name for some reason.) I think it's hysterical that I am considered a  fundamentalist for being Catholic. Honestly, all I do is go to Mass on Sunday and pray during the week, I don't think I am that different or crazy of a person.  

3. Have you ever been labeled "judgmental" or "intolerant" by others just because of your moral beliefs? Perhaps by a friend, teacher, relative, or group you were involved with? If so, share a story about what happened. 

Again, the short answer is yes.  I will never understand how "catholics" can vote for a pro-abortion candidate. I know my political leanings are different than most of my stereotypical democratic Irish American family, but I will never forget the anger in my cousins voice when I said I was voting for George W. Bush. When I was teaching at LaSalle the students flat out told me I was racist because I was white and that I was intolerant because I was telling them actual Church teaching.   

4. What can you do differently so that you are not afraid to talk about moral truth with others?

But on my big girl pants and not worry about what others think of me.  Pray more to be courageous.  

5. Many people today think that groups who believe in truth are the ones who cause all the problems in the world-- such as 9/11, the Rwandan genocide, etc.-- so they think its better never to make moral judgements about other people's actions and to just tolerate each other. What's the problem with this approach? (See the quotation in this chapter from sociologist Christian Smith.) 

Said quote: "At the same time, these emerging adults have not been taught well how to differentiate between strong moral and religious claims that should be tolerated, if not respected, and those that deserve to be to refuted, rejected, and opposed. Very few have been given the reasoning tools and skills to discern such important difference. As a result, many emerging adults simply end up trying to completely avoid making any strong moral claims themselves, as well as avoiding criticizing the moral views of others ... But what few of them seem to realize is that such a position makes it impossible to rationally evaluate or criticize any moral wrong, including the horrific destruction and violence that helped drive them to this tolerant position in the first place. That is a problem."

I think claiming to be tolerant gives people an excuse to actually be intolerant.  I think people are so afraid to disagree with one another. They also don't know how to actually talk and listen to others. I know I have been there myself too.  It's much easier for us to try and figure out the answer vs. actually listening.  I agree that we have done a poor job of actually teaching teens and young adults ways to actually agree to disagree. People don't like to be criticized or hear something different than what they say.  We have become such a "tolerant" society that we don't know how to actually be tolerant.  It makes me think of what Chris Stefanick said that being tolerant means you disagree while still loving the person.  

Chapter 2 - Clashing Worldviews

1. The author told a story about proving to his friend that relativism was logically inconsistent. Explain that point in your own words:Why is it illogical for relativists to say there is no truth?

My initial thought was "Why can't I think that quickly, why can't I think of a witty comeback like that?" If relativism is the belief that absolute truth doesn't exist it contradicts itself by being a truth. 

2. How successful was this approach in convincing his friend that relativism was wrong? Explain.

It made the point but it didn't really work, but his friend did agree at first.  

3. Have you  ever tried to convince a friend relativism is wrong? What was your approach? How well did it go?

I don't think I have.  I might point out natural laws as in everyone is usually against murder.  It usually comes up in Confirmation class, not in everyday life.  

4. Why does the author say it's not effective merely to debate with relativists? What must we do instead?

It's like the saying "you get more with honey than vinegar."  It's kind of hard to deny something when you are forced to take a look at it yourself.  Treat them with kindness and eventually the truth will win out.  

5. The best way to detect counterfeit money is to study authentic currency. And the same is true with morality. What can you do to form yourself  more with an authentic, Catholic moral view? 

This makes sense, the more you immerse yourself in something the more you take in.  I always had a Catholic moral view and it was strengthened by finding like minded people who also took the time to learn what the Church actually teaches.  It reminds me of the quote attributed to Archbishop Sheen, "There are not one hundred people in the United Sates who hate the Catholic Church, but there are millions who hate what they wrongly perceive the Catholic Church to be." 

Chapter 3 - "But I'm Not Hurting Anyone"

1. Let's reflect on the funeral example mentioned in this chapter. Which qualities do you want to be remembered for most at your funeral? What does this tell us about what's most important in life and the kind of life you want to live?

2. We saw that ethics is about how to more from who we right now to who we want to become -- from man-as-he-is to man-as-he-could-be-if-he-fulfilled-his-telos. What is one area of your life that you think you need to work on most in order to become the kind of person God wants you to be? What is something practical you can do this week to help take a step closer toward becoming that person? 

3. The chapter discussed two ways we hurt people by directly harming the or by failing to be the best we can be for others. What are some ways we fail to be the best we can be? In our friendship? In our family? In our relationship with God?

4. Describe a time you personally hurt someone by failing to be the best you could be for them. Or think about this the other way around: describe a time you were hurt by someone who didn't harm you directly but failed to be the best they could be for you.  

5. What is one relationship you think God wants you to improve the most right now? What cane you do practically to strengthen it?

Chapter 4 Friendship and Virtue

1. We saw how we are made for relationships. What are the most important relationships in your life? How well are you fulfilling your responsibilities in these relationships? At home? At work? At church? With your friends?

2. In this chapter we discussed the connection between virtue and living our relationships well. But is this true? Do I really need virtue to live the people in my life? If I care about them and value them, why can't I just love them?

3. There are many virtues, such as justice, humility, patience, purity, courage, prudence, self-control, generosity, honoring others, and gratitude. Which virtue do you think you need to work on the the most to strengthen your relationships?

4. Virtue involves three qualities: habitually doing the good easily without a struggle, as if it's second nature; doing the good not every once in a while but consistently; and doing the good joyfully, without complaint or frustration. Which of those three qualities do you think is hardest for you? Why? 

5. The chapter discussed three ways to grow in virtue: learning about the virtues, intentionally practicing the virtues, and depending on God's grace. 

a. What can we do to learn about the virtues?

b. What are some ways we can more deliberately try to practice virtue?

c. Practically, what do we need to do to draw on God's grace more to grow in the virtuous life?