I hate this picture (not censoring myself so expect some salty language)

So this stupid sign has been making it's way around facebook again.  Every time i see the damn thing it reminds of why I have issues with the sacrament of Confession.  Lifelong Catholic who went when she had to while at school, went while on retreats in high school and college.  As an adult doesn't go as much.  I could get up in front of a room full of a thousand people and give a talk but ask me to enter "the box" and I freeze.  Yeah it mostly has to go with my own perceptions and having admit that I am at fault,  

I hate this picture because it shows so much why people dislike the Church.  It's always make an appointment.  Could I do that, sure, am I going to, fuck no.  

Reason one I hate this picture, it shows we need more priests.  I tell my priest friends all the time, I'm not looking for you guys to have more work to do, but changing your weekday Mass schedule so that all the churches in an area don't have Mass at the same time would be nice.  I hate that our parish makes the poor guy saying Mass at 5:30 also hear confession for an hour before hand. Dude, one of you can say Mass and the other hear confessions. I get that it says there is only one priest and that's the big issue. 

Reason two I hate this sign is the whole keep it short shit.  Dudes I know, I don't want to talk about everything but sometimes it helps.  A lot of people besides me have issues with Confession and things like this don't help.  Most of the time when this is posted people say "if you know you're going to take a long time, call and make an appointment."  How about don't  be a judgmental asshole, and don't assume shit about the people in line with you.  That person could have used up all of their energy to get to confession and now has to deal with "make sure you keep it short" or other things.  

I have had good and bad experiences in the confessional.  I have been told that what I have said is not a sin and told it is a sin; I chalk that one up to inexperience on the younger priests part.  Keep it short could be I stabbed my brother, but did you stab him with a pencil or a bloody sword, one obviously worse than the other.  I have a religion degree I know my shit, but was corrected by a priest when I mistakenly said Vatican 1 instead of Vatican 2 or something like that.  

I love my priest friends and they all know that I will not go to them for confession unless it's an emergency.  I love my priests and my issue isn't with them, they won't deny someone the sacrament.  It's the judgmental assholes who say "why are you in there longer than 5 minutes." if you're going to be longer than 5 minutes make an appointment.  Anxiety exists and it keeps people from doing things that person who is "taking too long" might not have been to confession in years.  Asking this person that has been away for so long to go away and make an appointment is wrong.  

Case in point, it's been a while since I have been to Confession.  I tried to go one day and realized I was in my personalized and the families from the first Communions that day were either still there taking pictures or coming for the next one.  I literally froze and said, nope, can't do it.  The intention was there and it still is but you don't know what that person is going through.  

I guess this sign just shows that we need to better education people on the Sacrament and more importantly Churches need to offer it more than just once a week or via appointment.  Because I have been trying to get there, but Saturday afternoons get pretty busy, pretty quickly.  

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Bobby Angel

So I read this section a week or two ago and just never blogged about it. Bobby talks about St. Ignatius Loyola aka the founder of the Jesuits and his “discernment of spirits” 

Obviously the good stuff comes from God and the bad from the Devil. I know full well that fear and anxiety come from the Devil. We always talk about how God allows bad things to happen but we so often forget and refuse to talk about the influence of evil and the Devil on and in society. I am also fully aware that being inside my own head is the worst place to be. While I am usually happy I will always assume the worst will happen. “Wait for the storm to pass” I literally wrote what if that storm never seems to pass, what if it goes on for years?  “When our soul is ‘sick’ something is off, God allows us to feel distant from Him only to evoke the instinctual desire to return to Him and His consolation.”  I remember whe I first learned about Dark Nights of the Soul and how so many people acted like it wasn’t a real thing. It’s a game changer when one of your theology professors acts like something that is real isn’t. It was explained to me by someone that Dark Nights come about because God has shown us the top of the mountain and we see it in all it’s light and that the Dark Night is when we have slid down the mountain and the light isn’t as bright. At least I think that was how it was explained. At the time and still today it makes sense to me. Am I climbing back up that mountain, of course, and every so often that Light breaks through to remind me why I am climbing but then the Darkness returns and one is left to wonder again. So yeah I am living out that statement and I know discernment and the life of a Catholic is not supposed to be easy. 

There’s a set of questions in the reflection: 

Have I committed a mortal sin or grown lazy in prayer? I’m going to separate these into two questions because being lazy isn’t a mortal sin as far as I know. This is where the scrupulous person in me comes out, I don’t think I have committed a mortal sin, but have I and then just made it worse by adding to it. Yeah I know I need to go to confession. Grown lazy in prayer, I mean that’s a yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a why am I going through the motions of reading and saying the words if nothing seems to be happening.  When things at work got crazy I would always think “what would that have been like if I didn’t say Morning Prayer?” 

Have I stopped going to Mass or receiving the Sacraments? The quick answer is no. Mass is my ‘safe space’ for lack of better terms, it’s where I can be myself and not worry. I do the minimum so Confession is usually once a year, I know, I know I should go more. See the idea of how scrupulous can I be comes into play. 

What materials have I been putting into my body? This one made me laugh because I’m like I’m not doing anything illegal but yeah I could totally eat better and cut the alcohol consumption down. The cliche of you are what you eat comes to mind, yeah I know the less garbage I put into myself the better I will be. 

Have I been gossiping or allowing a spirit of negativity to dominate my thoughts? I try not to gossip it’s probably why people look over me for things. I’m am totally of the I don’t need to know and if you want me to know just tell me. Does this mean I don’t talk to people, no, but I am not going to be oh tell me what’s happening. ‘Spirit of negativity’ I guess I could say yes to that one considering I always assume and think the worst. 

Have I been watching pornography or movies that degrade the human person? No, but it is kind of hard to find a movie or show that doesn’t degrade the human body. Society in general has become more complacent with things. 

So looking at those questions I do could with bettering myself and availing of the sacraments that are available. 

Bobby does mention the Dark Night and I am glad he did, as most people don’t mention it as they understand it. I don’t know if I would call it a “gift” but I do appreciate the explanation of what St. John of the Cross said “gift that allows our soul to be stripped to the point where God alone can shine.” I don’t know if I have it in me to read Dark Night of a Soul, even my spiritual director in college wasn’t allowed to read it. Granted I am a lot older now so I should be able to handle it. He speaks of having a support system and I do have a select group of friends that get told everything. 

Think back on a time when you were in a state of desolation. Describe how that felt and what you experienced. Who in your support network can you reach your in a time of desolation? 

I don’t have to think back I am currently in one and probably have been for a while. I would call it a Dark Night and while yes there are periods of consolation they seem to be few and far between. I do have a select group of friends that I rely on, oddly I saw most of them today. My best friend is a priest so he gets everything as does the choir bestie. I wouldn’t consider the other priests best friends but they are friends so they get told pretty much everything too. There’s no way to describe how it feels. I mean I am joy filled but a dark night feels like that joy that was once there will never come back. 

This was one of the longest blogs and it took forever to write probably because it’s the part of discernment I am living out. Times of consolation are wonderful but with consolation comes desolation. 

Homilies that make me think

In all honesty if I remember any part of a homily on the walk home from Mass it means it was a good one, if I remember it days and weeks later, it was a really good one. Recently the vicar’s homilies have made me think. 

Side note we have the vicar, the former vicar, Padre Best Friend, and of course the pastor, if you know me you know who they are but blogging purposes the nicknames work. 

Anyway back to the homilies. A few weeks ago the vicar mentioned how we all need to keep growing in and learning the Faith in his homily. For the past few years I have used my Every Sacred Sunday journal or what I call my Mass journal. It allows me time to read and reflect on the Sunday (and Holy Days of Obligation)  readings, it also allows me to take notes on the homily. That’s how I use it, others could do something different.  I remembered writing “adult faith formation” in my journal and wonder if any parish was looking to hire someone to do just that.

The vicar is right we do need to keep learning the faith and not just stop with that 8th grade or maybe high school level of education. I seek out ways to keep learning and growing most people do not. Most parishes don’t offer ways for adults to learn what the Church teaches. We offer Bible studies, or something else but nothing along the lines of here’s what the Church actually teaches. So yes I’m this whole discernment thing my heart wants adult faith formation but has to settle for religious education because that’s all that’s out there. 

I don’t know why but this Mother’s Day was more emotional than the past few years, it probably has to do with everything going on in my life at the moment. Not that we talked much about stuff but what I wouldn’t do for one more trip to the mall, simply because that’s when we talked, on the car ride to and from the mall. Yeah I know I can still talk to my mom but it’s not the same. So I went to Mass hoping I ended up with the vicar for a few reasons and was I beyond thrilled to have him, incense, and a sprinkling rite. I’m a liturgy snob so my day was made and given the day it was that hour was the bright spot in an otherwise blah day. 

In his homily the vicar mentioned how our inside needs to match our outside. By far not the first time I have felt called out in a homily, but this one hit home. It hit home because that morning I was thinking about how my “safe space” was church, how I could be myself in Church, how I was happy at Mass. If anyone saw me, as they do, they saw the crazy lady who veils and sings at Mass, they see the pious woman on the outside but no one knows the inside. How many times have I complained about behaviors at Mass (adults, not kids), acted like the know it all, or how often do my thoughts not match that of a Christian. The former vicar when we saw each other asked “how’s your rage?” I’ve always been honest with him so the answer was “oh it’s there just hidden, well suppressed” The anger and spitefulness I feel with the whole work situation is righteous in one sense and just wrong on another. 

“I will not leave you orphans” is the line that stuck out in the Gospel, the vicar pointed that line out too, it most likely spoke to both of us for the same reason. There was so much in his homily and it’s not the first time I have thought about how alike he and I are it just stood out in this homily. Attached to the does the inside match the outside question was a good point “is that where the frustration of not feeling God’s presence comes from” I know God is with me on this journey but knowing and feeling are two different things. I have said it to myself many times, where is the faith I used to have. Oh I see glimpses of it as a reminder of what is there but that Dark Night overshadows it, that exact frustration of not feeling God’s presence is what I wish I felt during the week instead of just for an hour on Sunday. 

Also in the homily was the line spoken for himself but to all of us “through the liturgy Christ reminds me that everything will be ok” As I have said many times I am a liturgy snob it’s just who I am. Mass is my happy place. I saw it on Easter as well I was happiest when I was at Mass. As I was scrolling one of the God awful social media platforms I caught one of Fr. Mike Schmitz’ homilies where he said “Mass should change us, if we are the same after Mass as we were before, we’re not doing it right” that’s become my prayer at Mass, change me. I’ve always said “take all of me as unworthy as I am, use me” Just the reminder that Jesus’ saving act that is re-presented to us at every Mass should be enough to get me to go to daily Mass, now that I can. 

My first reaction when I was fired after I sat in my car for a minute was “I need a Church with Adoration” so that’s where I went to Adoration. Oh I was angry, still am, but I had calmed myself down enough to be in some semblance of a proper place for praying. I’m his homily the vicar said “Jesus is with us 24/7 in the Eucharist.” 

Since my days as an undergraduate I have been drawn to Adoration, the former vicar wonderfully brought back monthly Holy Hours to the parish. Yes I know as my Bishop-emeritus said “you can just come in the Church and be with Jesus” but to my crazy self it’s not the same, even though it is. I like the pomp and circumstance of formal Adoration and Benediction. 

The last thing I wrote in my Mass journal was “who sits on the throne of our hearts, God or ourselves.” Pretty sure I was writing it before the vicar said it. So as I stumble on this discernment journey, honestly as I stumble on life’s journey who sits on that throne? I would love to say God, but if the question “does the inside match the outside got me thinking” I know the answer is myself. 

Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan, I just wish I saw it a bit more clearly. Id the waking up at 6:45 daily is any indication my lazy ass should be going to daily Mass. 

Lord, guide us, protect us, keep us safe. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Jackie Angel

So in Jackie’s reflection she talks about making the shoe fit and well that seems to be what I have done with my jobs ovwe my life. I just kinda make it fit to what my life is at the time. She speaks of how we should be deciding between two good things. That’s the issue I’m stuck between teaching and ministry. 

I can easily apply the door questions to ministry and answer yes to all of them. With teaching it’s not necessarily that easy. Maybe that’s the answer after all these years I might finally have a ministry job and not just all that unpaid experience from college and the parish. 

What competing good choices are you facing right now? 

Ministry in particular campus ministry versus teaching. Don’t get me wrong I know that in some form I will always be teaching. The idea of being in education appeals and doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I loved being with the kids the past few years but administrators made me really really dislike it. I can’t say hate because I didn’t hate it I hated the most recent environment. 

Imagine committing to a particular option before you, and mentally consider what the results might be. Does this bring you a sense of peace or anxiety? 

Everything seems to being anxiety right now, at least I know what it feels like. I have played out certain aspects of ministry in my head already. That usually get me into trouble as when I think a job is mine it usually isn’t. It’s usually the opposite when I feel beyond unqualified that I get it. I’ve also played out teaching and what makes me excited about that is being able to teach a religion class, the rest of it not so much.  I’m leaning towards ministry giving me peace but I don’t think I would feel peace right now. 

Ironically my prayer used to be like Fr. Mike’s, I want an answer and today I changed it to “guidance along this process” I should have known that asking for guidance would be mentioned in this reflection. It may be a few weeks but I will eventually have my answer. 

Door questions: (I don’t feel like moving them to the paragraph) 

1. Is this a good door?
2. Is this an open door?
3. Is this a wise door?
4. Is this a door that you want to walk through?

If you know you know

This is written purely for me to get it off my chest. No names were used on purpose and not a mention of where I worked so if you know, please keep it to yourself. This is the conversation that took place and my side. Yes I know there are two sides to every story.

I play things close to my chest so if you already know this, you are one of the few I trust with my life. 

I was unceremoniously fired from my job simply because I kept pointing out that state law was being broken and because the director of the school has never seemed to like me. The nice way of saying it is difference of opinion on how classroom ratios were handled. 

I could play out the whole morning it happened but honestly there was plenty of signs before that the excuses were just found that day. The main issue ratio has been an issue basically since I started there a year ago February.

Here’s how that morning played out:

I count the kids in my room as the teacher next door counts hers and we figure out how to be in ratio as our ratio is 1 adult to 6 kids. Within a few minutes a bunch of kids show up for the room next door putting her a few over ratio. She’s a newish teacher so she asked me what to do and I said call the front; she did multiple times and no one answered.

All of a sudden the director comes in and says “stop checking kids in” 

Me: (I could have been nicer about how I said it but I was tired of this being a daily occurrence) I’m not… and it doesn’t matter, we are over ratio 

Director: then who is checking them in?

Me: I don’t know (I totally did, but I don’t play that game

Director: why didn’t you call, it comes to my phone I didn’t get any calls 

Me: I just went to 7 kids, but I watched “teacher next door” with my own two eyes call multiple times so yes someone called

Director: I can’t deal with the yelling 

They send another teacher next door I send the kids that belonged there back, with in a few minutes my room is over ratio. I this time I did check my 7th kid in, took off her jacket, got her setttled and then went about sending one of my kids next door. While I was doing rhis rhe director came in and just stood at ehe gate, I didn’t even know she was there until after I put one of the kids in the room next door. 

I go about my day like normal until one of the teachers from my room comes to me and says “they want to see you in the office, it’s probably about this morning just so you know” I said thanks and walked back towards my classroom where the director and curriculum coordinator happened to be standing at the gate into the room. The kids see me and squealed with delight as they normally do. Director and curriculum coordinator turn around and we walk to the hallway, not an office but the literal hallway outside my classroom. 

Director: we are sorry you are so upset but we think your time with us is done

Me: thinking *did she just fire me?* and once my brain figured it out I was mad as fuck and everyone knew it. 

Director lists off bullshit excuses of how I didn’t interact with the kids, to which I vehemently replied that’s all I do to the point I apologize to the other teachers for not cleaning so she amended the comment to be “between 7-8” aka when the kids are getting dropped off and all these ratio problems happen. I was told I didn’t change diapers, also bullshit and I pointed out that they needed to make up their minds as to when diapers where supposed to be done. I then realized that I didn’t need to have this pointlessly conversation of defending myself and said “am I employed here anymore?” To which I got a no so I said this conversation is pointless and done. I was told because of a comment that I made in the heat of things that my attitude “of being sorry for those left after wasn’t needed” 

I had gotten a raise the week before so that 50 cent raise was thrown in my face as if it was God’s gift mankind and I should be grateful that even gave it to me. After that the director kept talking at me and I said I don’t work here anymore do I, she said no but don’t you want to know about payment. I said you’re paying me until today, correct and she said yes and then showed me the door. 

Could I have handled it better, absolutely did I need to get my Irish up and “yell” probably not, but after weeks and weeks of being out of ratio one doesn’t really care. 

So that’s the calm version of what happened. I’m currently looking for something else but I don’t even know if I want to stay in education or just something monotonous to do. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Fr. Mike Schmitz

This whole section speaks to me the same way it did 3 years ago. Fr. Mike talks about how he constantly asked “what do you want me to do?” and I feel exactly the same way. That seems to be my question “where do you want me, what do you want me to do?”

What am I looking for?

That is the question, what am I looking for. Like Fr. Mike said “an answer.” I am looking for the easy way out of this, I want the neon sign but I don’t want to have guess or figure out is this the sign or if am I doing the right thing. 

What decision is weighing on you? 

That’s a good question. I don’t know if it’s a decision as much as a situation. For years I have struggled with ministry or teaching. It’s always been between those two. I gave up on marriage approximately ten years ago, so it’s not that, I am fine with my vocation of “friend to priest” 

What is preoccupying your mind and your heart? 

Another good question. The whole situation with the former work place, and how it has left me feeling about teaching. When it’s dad’s time to go has long been on my heart and mind, so I have come to just live with it. I feel like I am stuck in a Dark Night and that it will never end. There are glimpses of the faith that once was, I saw that yesterday in going to 10 for Mass. I mean I got my favorite priest (well one of my favorites), smells, bells, and water aka incense, good music, and a sprinkling rite. I want the feeling that I get at and from Mass to last longer than a few hours. I miss the faith I had in college, I miss the trust I had. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

The same as it always does, torture. Not really but it is a pain. I don’t know why I feel like I have to do it alone. I count a select few priests as close friends or close enough to know what is really going on and yet I haven’t really brought any of this to them, not even the one I say was my spirit director in college. 

What is the root question that you are asking? 

The first thing to come to mind is what job, so I go to ministry by taking that leap. Do I stick with teaching even though the more I look at education the worse it gets. Maybe I am looking for confirmation in a decision. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? 

This might be the easiest one to answer. In college things seemed to work out the way I thought they would or I he no problem with them. Then a long time boyfriend never popped the question and I lost that trust in my gut feelings because I was convinced I would be married and have an army of kids. I had that trust and it seems to have gone away. I know God has a plan for me and I know it is better than anything I could ever come up with but deep down that trust isn’t what it used to be. I don’t want to say gone because it’s not gone I just don’t believe in it as much as I used to. 

Come Holy Spirit

The amount of times I have said that simple prayer usually before writing a talk or lesson for RCIA and confirmation. “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and deliver in them the fire of your love.” If my memory serves me right. 

Mother’s Day

I have long had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. 

I’m an aunt so I don’t count. 

I’m a godmother I slightly count and that’s only in Catholic circles and even then it’s an afterthought. 

I mean I get it I’m not a mother nor will I ever be. I guess that’s where the problem lies, I will never be a mother. When I was asked in college what I wanted to be by my then boyfriend (who I assumed would be my husband) I said “a mother” he laughed and basically said no really, what do you want to be. I should have known then that it wouldn’t work out simply by that comment. I was in college at the time and a religious studies major hellbent on the idea that I was called to marriage. I wasn’t called to marriage or motherhood even though my career if you want to call it that has led me to basically being a mother to many children. Don’t get me wrong I understand completely that people need to bring their children to daycare but something is missing when a person who isn’t family spends more time with your kids than you do. I am fully aware rhaf not everyone has the life I did where my mother stayed home. Honestly I don’t care what parent stays home just that one of them stays home in the early formative years. 

So yeah I have a mainly hate relationship with Mother’s Day and always have.  This year more so than usual. I know how lucky I was to have my mother on Earth as long as I did. Doesn’t mean all the ads, texts, and emails aren’t a constant reminder of what was or more importantly of who is not at the table. Do I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering yes, does it make it easier, not really. 

I no longer have to buy a gift, unless you count a flower for the grave. I have never gotten a gift for Mother’s Day, well one of my Goddaughters sends me a card and it’s makes me smile the she and her family consider me a second mother. 

I love my family, I love my aunts, cousins, and my grandmothers. Those grandmothers are long gone, and lived in Ireland so I rarely saw them. Ireland celebrates Mother’s Day in March so I get hit with it twice. I don’t mind it I really don’t. I just want people to realize that not all of have happy Mother’s Days anymore. I don’t have children and I never will so no one will be buying me gifts or celebrating me being a motherly person. 

I just want someone to say this sucks and you’re not alone. Trust me I know I am not as I have said those words to a friend, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Bobby Angel

It always makes me laugh how Bobby’s story hits me almost as much as Fr. Mike’s does. 

I experience a fear of ________

Looking at the story and what I have written in the past holds true still today. I fear not being perfect, of failing, of disappointing someone. I also fear not being connected with someone, I fear that friendship will be rejected. 

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

The fear of not being perfect probably stems from years of competitive Irish step dance. The fear of failing in school and disappointing my parents. I never saw it like that at the time but it’s possible. All fear comes from Satan, God loves His children and doesn’t want us to suffer but He allows it. It’s what my father said to me “what are you going to do when I am gone” it was said with that my daughter has amounted to nothing in his voice. That my choosing religion, teaching or ministry is exactly as they said pointless. It’s never been about the money for me, it’s a nice perk but not what I went into ministry for. 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

I wish I knew. I long thought it was ministry but never really got settled in that. I recently thought it was teaching but now I am not so sure of that either. That word great makes it abound like it needs to be something special  and it doesn’t. I want people to know and love God and His Church. I just wish I knew how to do it better than I do. 

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for His goodness. 

My usual prayer of “take me sinful, sorrowful, and unworthy as I am and make me Yours” comes to mind. Lord, help me to trust You and Your plan for my life. Help me to see what you have planned for my life. Guide me, protect me, keep me safe. 

Scripture to pray with:

Psalm 118:6  “With the Lord on my side I do not fear. What can man do to me?” 

Haggi: 2:5 - “My Spirit abides among you: fear not.

John 16:33 “I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

These are Scripture passages that I don’t really know but the idea of “be not afraid” is in them. Maybe, I probably won’t sit and think about them but maybe at some point I will think of them. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Jackie Angel

 Who am I?

My initial answer was "a child of God" I mean that's the easy answer.  I used to say I was a teacher, long before I would say child of God.  I am willing to admit that to myself and to the select group of friends that won't make sure of me for it.  I guess that's the ultimate questions, who am I, what am I.

What gifts have I received from the Father?

Plenty, normally I go with my ability to public speak, to sing (in the choir, I am not comfortable to bust out on my own), to dance. My life, my gifts and talents, even if I don't acknowledge them or want to acknowledge them. I know the Catholic faith and can pretty much answer most questions tossed at me.  

What activities do I usually use to define myself?

My former job, teaching, then again I always qualified it by acting like what I did wasn't really teaching. I'm a runner, well walker/runner, see even that I qualify. I have done two half marathons and many other races yet I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  I use the things I like to define myself. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved Child of God?

Myself, God's not going to give up on me no matter how hard I make it.   I don't know if I have issues seeing myself as a child of God, maybe there are issues with beloved, but not being one of His.  That's my usual response to the odd inclinations of not wanting to go to Mass, I am His, and I am not leaving Him and His Church.  Maybe I just don't see it fully. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not?

Sometimes, it stems from real life, not that God is imaginary, it just stems from knowing that my earthly father loves, but that at times it doesn't seem that way.  

Take It to Prayer: I am willed, I am loved, and I am necessary.  My God, help me to believe this.

You are a beloved Child of God. I can never lose the love of God not matter what. "Each of us is the result of a thought of God," Pope Benedict XVI asserted. "Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." 

This is a question I don't seem to struggle with as much as the what are you seeking one.  I guess I've come to terms with being God's child.  The idea of being necessary is probably the hardest, who really needs me, I'm not anyone's mother or caregiver.  I know people would miss me if I died, but  I am not necessary to any of them carrying on with their lives.  

Half crazy

You all see the nut job who did a half marathon, I kind of see her. What I really see is that chunky mid section. I don’t see the person who ran approximately 80 mins of those 202 minutes it took to finish. I see the 8 to 10 minute mile from high school that is now doubled. I see the teen who took no notice of running a mile who can now barely run a quarter mile without having to walk. I don’t see the ACL scar from the fall that helped to slow me down and add some of the extra weight. Don’t worry you can’t see it either, my surgeon was very particular about making sure my scar wasn’t huge. While I love them I don’t see the giant claves that came from all those years of Irish dance and track. I don’t see the legs that danced on Carnegie Hall’s stage multiple times.  I don’t see the weirdo who has now done two half marathons and shaved 20 mins off that first half. I see what I was and what I want to be. 

Should I see the crazy lady who did 13.1 miles yes, yes I should but I don’t.