Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Fr. Mike Schmitz

This whole section speaks to me the same way it did 3 years ago. Fr. Mike talks about how he constantly asked “what do you want me to do?” and I feel exactly the same way. That seems to be my question “where do you want me, what do you want me to do?”

What am I looking for?

That is the question, what am I looking for. Like Fr. Mike said “an answer.” I am looking for the easy way out of this, I want the neon sign but I don’t want to have guess or figure out is this the sign or if am I doing the right thing. 

What decision is weighing on you? 

That’s a good question. I don’t know if it’s a decision as much as a situation. For years I have struggled with ministry or teaching. It’s always been between those two. I gave up on marriage approximately ten years ago, so it’s not that, I am fine with my vocation of “friend to priest” 

What is preoccupying your mind and your heart? 

Another good question. The whole situation with the former work place, and how it has left me feeling about teaching. When it’s dad’s time to go has long been on my heart and mind, so I have come to just live with it. I feel like I am stuck in a Dark Night and that it will never end. There are glimpses of the faith that once was, I saw that yesterday in going to 10 for Mass. I mean I got my favorite priest (well one of my favorites), smells, bells, and water aka incense, good music, and a sprinkling rite. I want the feeling that I get at and from Mass to last longer than a few hours. I miss the faith I had in college, I miss the trust I had. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

The same as it always does, torture. Not really but it is a pain. I don’t know why I feel like I have to do it alone. I count a select few priests as close friends or close enough to know what is really going on and yet I haven’t really brought any of this to them, not even the one I say was my spirit director in college. 

What is the root question that you are asking? 

The first thing to come to mind is what job, so I go to ministry by taking that leap. Do I stick with teaching even though the more I look at education the worse it gets. Maybe I am looking for confirmation in a decision. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? 

This might be the easiest one to answer. In college things seemed to work out the way I thought they would or I he no problem with them. Then a long time boyfriend never popped the question and I lost that trust in my gut feelings because I was convinced I would be married and have an army of kids. I had that trust and it seems to have gone away. I know God has a plan for me and I know it is better than anything I could ever come up with but deep down that trust isn’t what it used to be. I don’t want to say gone because it’s not gone I just don’t believe in it as much as I used to. 

Come Holy Spirit

The amount of times I have said that simple prayer usually before writing a talk or lesson for RCIA and confirmation. “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and deliver in them the fire of your love.” If my memory serves me right. 

Mother’s Day

I have long had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. 

I’m an aunt so I don’t count. 

I’m a godmother I slightly count and that’s only in Catholic circles and even then it’s an afterthought. 

I mean I get it I’m not a mother nor will I ever be. I guess that’s where the problem lies, I will never be a mother. When I was asked in college what I wanted to be by my then boyfriend (who I assumed would be my husband) I said “a mother” he laughed and basically said no really, what do you want to be. I should have known then that it wouldn’t work out simply by that comment. I was in college at the time and a religious studies major hellbent on the idea that I was called to marriage. I wasn’t called to marriage or motherhood even though my career if you want to call it that has led me to basically being a mother to many children. Don’t get me wrong I understand completely that people need to bring their children to daycare but something is missing when a person who isn’t family spends more time with your kids than you do. I am fully aware rhaf not everyone has the life I did where my mother stayed home. Honestly I don’t care what parent stays home just that one of them stays home in the early formative years. 

So yeah I have a mainly hate relationship with Mother’s Day and always have.  This year more so than usual. I know how lucky I was to have my mother on Earth as long as I did. Doesn’t mean all the ads, texts, and emails aren’t a constant reminder of what was or more importantly of who is not at the table. Do I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering yes, does it make it easier, not really. 

I no longer have to buy a gift, unless you count a flower for the grave. I have never gotten a gift for Mother’s Day, well one of my Goddaughters sends me a card and it’s makes me smile the she and her family consider me a second mother. 

I love my family, I love my aunts, cousins, and my grandmothers. Those grandmothers are long gone, and lived in Ireland so I rarely saw them. Ireland celebrates Mother’s Day in March so I get hit with it twice. I don’t mind it I really don’t. I just want people to realize that not all of have happy Mother’s Days anymore. I don’t have children and I never will so no one will be buying me gifts or celebrating me being a motherly person. 

I just want someone to say this sucks and you’re not alone. Trust me I know I am not as I have said those words to a friend, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Bobby Angel

It always makes me laugh how Bobby’s story hits me almost as much as Fr. Mike’s does. 

I experience a fear of ________

Looking at the story and what I have written in the past holds true still today. I fear not being perfect, of failing, of disappointing someone. I also fear not being connected with someone, I fear that friendship will be rejected. 

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

The fear of not being perfect probably stems from years of competitive Irish step dance. The fear of failing in school and disappointing my parents. I never saw it like that at the time but it’s possible. All fear comes from Satan, God loves His children and doesn’t want us to suffer but He allows it. It’s what my father said to me “what are you going to do when I am gone” it was said with that my daughter has amounted to nothing in his voice. That my choosing religion, teaching or ministry is exactly as they said pointless. It’s never been about the money for me, it’s a nice perk but not what I went into ministry for. 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

I wish I knew. I long thought it was ministry but never really got settled in that. I recently thought it was teaching but now I am not so sure of that either. That word great makes it abound like it needs to be something special  and it doesn’t. I want people to know and love God and His Church. I just wish I knew how to do it better than I do. 

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for His goodness. 

My usual prayer of “take me sinful, sorrowful, and unworthy as I am and make me Yours” comes to mind. Lord, help me to trust You and Your plan for my life. Help me to see what you have planned for my life. Guide me, protect me, keep me safe. 

Scripture to pray with:

Psalm 118:6  “With the Lord on my side I do not fear. What can man do to me?” 

Haggi: 2:5 - “My Spirit abides among you: fear not.

John 16:33 “I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

These are Scripture passages that I don’t really know but the idea of “be not afraid” is in them. Maybe, I probably won’t sit and think about them but maybe at some point I will think of them. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Jackie Angel

 Who am I?

My initial answer was "a child of God" I mean that's the easy answer.  I used to say I was a teacher, long before I would say child of God.  I am willing to admit that to myself and to the select group of friends that won't make sure of me for it.  I guess that's the ultimate questions, who am I, what am I.

What gifts have I received from the Father?

Plenty, normally I go with my ability to public speak, to sing (in the choir, I am not comfortable to bust out on my own), to dance. My life, my gifts and talents, even if I don't acknowledge them or want to acknowledge them. I know the Catholic faith and can pretty much answer most questions tossed at me.  

What activities do I usually use to define myself?

My former job, teaching, then again I always qualified it by acting like what I did wasn't really teaching. I'm a runner, well walker/runner, see even that I qualify. I have done two half marathons and many other races yet I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  I use the things I like to define myself. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved Child of God?

Myself, God's not going to give up on me no matter how hard I make it.   I don't know if I have issues seeing myself as a child of God, maybe there are issues with beloved, but not being one of His.  That's my usual response to the odd inclinations of not wanting to go to Mass, I am His, and I am not leaving Him and His Church.  Maybe I just don't see it fully. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not?

Sometimes, it stems from real life, not that God is imaginary, it just stems from knowing that my earthly father loves, but that at times it doesn't seem that way.  

Take It to Prayer: I am willed, I am loved, and I am necessary.  My God, help me to believe this.

You are a beloved Child of God. I can never lose the love of God not matter what. "Each of us is the result of a thought of God," Pope Benedict XVI asserted. "Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." 

This is a question I don't seem to struggle with as much as the what are you seeking one.  I guess I've come to terms with being God's child.  The idea of being necessary is probably the hardest, who really needs me, I'm not anyone's mother or caregiver.  I know people would miss me if I died, but  I am not necessary to any of them carrying on with their lives.  

Half crazy

You all see the nut job who did a half marathon, I kind of see her. What I really see is that chunky mid section. I don’t see the person who ran approximately 80 mins of those 202 minutes it took to finish. I see the 8 to 10 minute mile from high school that is now doubled. I see the teen who took no notice of running a mile who can now barely run a quarter mile without having to walk. I don’t see the ACL scar from the fall that helped to slow me down and add some of the extra weight. Don’t worry you can’t see it either, my surgeon was very particular about making sure my scar wasn’t huge. While I love them I don’t see the giant claves that came from all those years of Irish dance and track. I don’t see the legs that danced on Carnegie Hall’s stage multiple times.  I don’t see the weirdo who has now done two half marathons and shaved 20 mins off that first half. I see what I was and what I want to be. 

Should I see the crazy lady who did 13.1 miles yes, yes I should but I don’t.

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Fr. Mike Schmitz

I feel like I am taking a step back in time with this whole discernment thing. Two years ago I was questioning all my activities with the Church and beginning the process of leaving crazy day care number one. I’m now officially out of day care number which I thought would be better but was actually worse. I’m out of there for doing the right thing and I know that because I would do it again. 

Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything. 

The questions: (from the introduction)

Lord, what do You want me to do?

I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones.  Now all I feel is lost and confused.  I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.  

Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?

Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing.  If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not.  Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words.  I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.  

Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work? 

I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have.  I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest.  Sadly, now one would have questioned that.  I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money.  I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43,  I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans. 

Do you trust in His plan?

This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep. 

Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead? 

This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things,  I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.  

The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:

What are you seeking?

I wish I knew.  I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness.  I want to know what God is actually calling me to.  Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry.  I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get.  I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that.  I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing. 

What are you looking for?

I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for.  Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others.  I guess I am looking for where I should be. 

What is the cry of your heart?

To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people. 

What excites you about life?

Honestly, right now nothing.  I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen.  Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest. 

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

It was work, even though I hated it.  I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word.  Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it. 

What is weighing on your mind?

That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do.  That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away. 

What are you avoiding?

In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things.  Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of. 

What are you trying to bury deep?

Everything.  I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't.  Nothing has been the same over the past three years.  I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.  

What are you wrestling with?

Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.  

What are you willing to sacrifice for? 

I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.

How do you define a great life?

My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money. 

What are you seeking? 

Holiness, why did that just pop into my head.  I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking.  I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do. 

What purpose has God put on your heart?

I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry. 

Do you even believe that you have a purpose?

The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.  

The reflection questions:

What am I seeking?

This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer.  I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up. 

What is weighing on my mind and heart?

Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy.  I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore.  I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants. 

When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?

I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43.  I regret things already, do I really need to add to it.  I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me. 

What matters most to me? 

I would say family, but it's not.  I could say faith, but I don't know about that either.  I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know.  My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.

I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things.  I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right.  No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it.  I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way. 

21 Years later

As I sit on the porch I think where has 21 years gone.  I was 21 when the Towers fell and it's been 21 years since they fell, so it's all a bit weird.  My brain goes all over the place so I will try to keep it in some semblance  of order, but it may not work out that way. I will admit it is surreal to hear planes in the sky today, as it was so eerily quiet following the attack. 

The question is always asked "Where were you?" on this day. Here's my answer:

 I was 21 and had just started what would be my extra and final semester at Seton Hall.  Being an experienced student at that point my classes were later in the day or I may not have had any on that particular day. That I don't remember, what I do remember is what I did that day.  Typical college kid I was asleep at 8:30am, possibly awake and just laying in bed, either way I was in my room.  I remember mom, in her typical style (which I never thought I would miss but I do) barged in and said "a plane hit one of the twin towers"  I thought who flies into a giant building, thinking it was a small plane and a mistake."  This shows how time affects things, I am pretty sure mom came in to say "a second plane it." and I thought ok, what is going on. Something, looking back it was the Holy Spirit prompted me to get out of the house and wash my car.  Oddest thing to do but I did it.  I had turned on PLJ, and remember how somber Scott and Todd were, there was no usual antics just straight forwardness and confusion. Not a hundred percent sure on the memory of this either but my next door neighbor at the time (a new one has moved in since) said "one of the towers fell.  I know full well that God did not have in front of a TV screen because my memory has always been vivid and the last thing I needed was my brain flooded with the image of the second plane hitting. 

Random side note and theological musings:  If anyone was to look at me they know I bleed Catholicism and I love my faith and relationship with God, but back then I would say my faith and relationship were at the highest they have been or I was just more attune to things.  May of 2001 was a trip to Rome and then later that Summer a trip to Ireland and I remember how extremely worried about flying I was.  I don't like to fly to begin with and something was telling that planes weren't safe, but I went anyway.  When I went to bed on Sept. 10th I remember having an overwhelming feeling of many people needing help, so when the Towers came down I did what I still do I prayed.  

Back to our regularly scheduled where was I story: I was cleaning my car, listening to Scott and Todd, neighbor coming out to say "one of the towers fell" so I decided to join the rest of the world and watched TV with my mom.  (I miss that too, mom entered eternal life in February 2020.) The rest of the day continued with us watching the news and contacting family.  We didn't have Facebook or instant messages in the way we do now, so we had to reassure our family 3,000 miles away in Ireland that we were indeed safe and fine.  It took my dad 2-4 hours to get home, my aunt offered to let his stay at her house but I guess he wanted to be home with us so he took many a detour and got back to us.  My brother worked in NYC, Midtown, not Lower so he was fine but it also took him forever to get home.  So where was I, I was at home, wishing desperately that I was in South Orange with my friends, but stayed home as you couldn't go anywhere. 

Speaking of my brother, if you have read this blog before, you know that my brother, smart ass that he is picked 9-1-1 as his wedding date so that "no one would forget" needless to say we have not forgotten and I am always happy to have the happy memories attached to this day.  In the years that have passed I usually think of Dennis and John, the two guys that we knew who were killed that day.  Dennis was one of the 343 FDNY killed that day and his funeral was one that I will never forget.  My dad and his dad grew up a town over from each other in Mayo, Ireland and while I never met Dennis we are forever linked by the events of 21 years ago.  Dennis' funeral was packed, a testament to the Irish community in this area.  The mayor of NYC got there while we waited on the long line to get in, we knew that because we knew one of the cops that was part of his security detail.  On the line ahead of us was a volunteer fire fighter from Rockland County.  There was no body at the wake, just a picture, and this man stood in front of the picture and saluted a fellow brother. It still makes me cry to this day.  Dennis' mom told my parents "all I want is a piece of his body, even if it's a finger, to bury."  Mrs. McHugh got her wish Dennis' body was found later on. The other thing that sticks out was the "daddy we will always remember you" flowers.  While I can't think of the actual ages, Dennis kids would be in the early to mid twenties and I am sure their dad is watching them from above.  Who would have thought that a man I never met would have such an impact on my life.  Now to John, the man I did know, but don't think of as much.  I was always "Peter's little sister" when we lived in the Bronx, that's what happens when you are 12 years younger than your brother.  I remember John, I remember being is his parent's apartment.  The joys of living in the Bronx you all knew each other.  John's memorial Mass was odd as it was a homecoming of sorts and just what he would have wanted. For us it had probably been 8 years since we were last at the parish in the Bronx.  I was just 21 and anyone who knew us kept saying, "oh no that's not little Mary" and I would respond with Mary's not so little anymore.  In remembering John's life, he worked for Cantor Fitzgerald so I assume he was gone in seconds or so I hope he was, we all gathered in what was our Church for many years.  We all united around the Eucharist first and then went downstairs to remember John in our own ways. John son never met his father or well wouldn't remember him as he was either born just before or just after the attacks.  

So yes two men, one whom I knew, and one who I never met are forever linked in this infamous day.  21 years have passed and it still seems like yesterday.  Rest easy gentlemen and say hi to mom for me. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 2 Search and Discern refection 1 aka Fr. Mike

Fr Mike Schmitz mentions the question "What do you want me to do?" about his own discernment and I laugh because that is my question too. I looked back at the reflection from three months ago and laughed as it was all about stepping away from St. Anthony's. The vicar leaving was the catalyst for me to say, you know what I need a break, I need to step away, even if it's to show myself all that I did for free. Don't get me wrong I loved my ministries here, but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again. 

God's timing is not my timing. I did not want my vicar to leave, but he needed to and he seems very happy in the new parish. I am blessed to have a newly ordained priest as my new vicar. I met him while he was a seminarian when the best friend who is now a priest was in the seminary. I am really happy he is here and he's great I just wish he arrived under different circumstances. I have said many times that I see myself in the former vicar, and I still do. I will forever be grateful that God send him here when He did. Perfect example of God's timing, when the former vicar arrived I was like who the heck is this and was weirded out by him, but there was something about how he said Mass that just spoke to me, not the homilies at first. Those props still went to Fr. Ray at the time, how the roles switched at the end. In the end I found another priest that became a friend. There is an unspoken connection with the deaths of our mothers, but the longing to be home; him Poland, me Ireland is the same. Two old souls in a modern world. In God's time we became friends, so if God can work with us two crazies to become friends He can work with me an anything. 

Fr. Mike mentions how discernment should be defined as "to agonize or wrestle with" and is that true. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I am wrestling with a decision that I know deep down but don't necessarily want to admit. The questions "what are you looking for?" And "what decision is weighing on you?" And "what is preoccupying your mind and heart?" The what am looking for is still "an answer to what do you want me to do?" Hence why I laughed when Fr. Mike mentioned it. The decision that is weighing on me is what job/career/vocation is mine. Do I want to stay teaching, do I make the jump to a regular school, do I go to ministry. Which one is it? Like stepping away from St. Anthony's the decision to leave where I work is pretty much settled, it's a matter of when. When do I want to leave my comfort zone. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

It seems to come and go every few months. I pick up the boom or something happens at work that just pushes me the wrong way and I make an emotional decision. It literally feels like I am being pulled in two directions. Teaching or ministry, while I know I can do both I question which one is it. 

What is the 'root' question that you are asking? Where does God want me, what does He want me to do. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? I think it's more fear of the unknown of not being in control of everything. I need to "let go and Let God" as the saying from high school goes. I feel like I trust God but do I really or am I being scrupulous in everything except getting my lazy self to confession. Am I scared of the answer or of what God actually wants me to do? 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry Chapter 1, Reflection 3

So I realized that there are three reflections per chapter, which makes sense as there are five chapters. So this reflection is on over coming fear and man did the whole thing speak to me. Fear of the unknown has long been my biggest or most prominent fear. I like being in control and knowing what is going to happen. However when I read the section again the unknown was not one of the fears I listed. The questions at the end of the section are: 

I experience a fear of__________.

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for his goodness. 

When I reread this section the fears I listed off were failure, disappointment, and not being perfect. It's odd that death and the unknown didn't even come to mind this time. It's not so much death that scares me as not knowing what will happen. Guess that's the over arching fear leading to failure and disappointment too. I will never be perfect so I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect but I am definitely a perfectionist.  For the longest time I believed in my "gut feelings" as they were usually spot on and then a Dark Night entered or rather I entered a dark night and I began to question that feeling, but it seems like I should usually trust it. I guess the fear of failure comes from me not being the best at what I have done, being fired, or being asked not to return. It's like I have been allowed to get away with stuff and then it comes back to bite me. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself and others and that stems from multiple failed interviews or thinking I was called to one thing and it being another. Being a perfectionist just seems to be my way, I know the things I am good at and I can do them well so when I mess up it drives me crazy. 

 

I have thought I have been called to ministry for a long time, but I can never seem to find the right ministry job. I am a procrastinator and therefore probably send my resume to places when it's too late but I always feel it's worth a shot. I am so torn between staying as an early childhood teacher and jumping to an actual school or going to full time ministry. I could send my resume to places outside the NY area but I don't know if I want to be that far away from my family. 

Trusting God is my big issue I claim that I do trust Him, but do I really trust in what He has planned for me. Why do I think I know better than He does. I know God works in His own time and with us so there is no sense in looking back and saying "what could have been?" At Mass this morning/afternoon I got to watch my best friend concelebrate with the guy who was his master of ceremonies two years ago. The joy I felt at seeing them is what I want to feel all time. 

Lord, guide me, protect me, keep me safe... That's the prayer I usually say before driving somewhere, I trust that God will keep me safe when traveling so why can't I trust that He will provide in all the other areas of my life. Momma Mary on this the feast of your Assumption help me to trust your son's plan for me. 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry! Chapter 1 Reflection 2

I underlined a whole bunch of things in this chapter, but I feel like that will be the case no matter what with most of these chapters. 

1. Who am I? Writing, well typing out who I am is weird because my initial thought was I am a child of God, but so often I forget that. I am a 41 year old woman who still lives at home and most people would scoff at that. When asked for bios on sites like Twitter and Instagram I would say I am a toddler teacher, reader, wannabe runner, a Mets fan, and Catholic. I don't stick Catholic on the end as an after thought as I feel that is what defines me or I wish that was what defined me. 

2. What gifts have I received from the Father? Interesting that it's Pentecost that I finally decided to sit down and answer these questions. I always start with my life, and then my talents. In high school that would have been my dancing, now I would say it's my ability to carry a tune. I don't like singing by myself in front of others, but stick me in a choir and I am all for it. I miss choir, stupid pandemic keeping us away from each other. Right now I want to say my ability to befriend priests, it's what is making my wanting to go to Confession hard. The vicar has hit the point where I don't know if I want to go to him, because we are friendly, not for any other reason. When asked about gifts I would say I don't have any, but I do. I don't mind talking in front of a group of people, but I hate small talk, unless I know and like you. I can care for 6 little one and two year olds by myself and manage to have them make it through the day usually unscathed. 

What activities do I usually use to define myself? Work, I always say teacher, but qualify it by saying toddler teacher because most people don't see me as an actual teacher. Mass goer, as that is the only other activity besides work that I go to. Walker, I want to walk more, actually I want to run. Irish sports fan, and baseball fan, I do love certain sports. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved child of God? Trust. I think I do see myself as God's but it takes a backseat. As I have started to watch it more and more I think of the first episode of the Chosen and the line you are mine. It's not a new line or a new idea it just brings the first home that I am God's. I usually pray "I am Yours, do with me as You want" at the offertory at Mass. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not? I am going to say no, because I have a decent relationship with my own father. I do lean more towards Jesus and Mary than I do on God the Father. So maybe I do struggle with seeing Him as a loving Father. Maybe I just simply struggle with seeing Him as a Father.