I have been quiet for far too long

 Ironically when the party of tolerance and acceptance took over under Obama is when I stoped being "political."  The country didn't just divide that's been happening for years. I was call racist because I didn't vote for Obama, I was anti-woman when I didn't vote for Kamala. Before you assume I voted for Trump, I didn't vote for him anytime he ran. The country has been divided since 2009, it's not new. I was told after years of hearing "not my president" with President GW Bush the I wasn't allowed to say that about Obama, that I was supposed to just be quiet and deal with it. I said it many times I respect the office of President, it doesn't mean I have to agree with or like the person in that office. I didn't vote for President Obama because I cannot morally support someone who thinks abortion is a right. That's the reason not his sex, not his skin color, he holds a belief that I find morally reprehensible so he didn't get my vote. It's the same reason I didn't vote for Hilary or Biden. Why I didn't vote for President Trump was I just didn't like the way he ran his businesses. I didn't like either candidate so I went third party and was told that my vote is what got Trump elected because it took a vote from Hilary. I wasn't voting for her anyway so my vote was actually taken from Trump. When Obama was elected I didn't need a safe space or a place to cry I just went about my business because that's what a grown-up does. 

Since 2009 because I am Catholic and truly believe and uphold the Church's teachings it is assumed that I am a bigot and hate everyone. I am told that I can't talk about Jesus, I mean it is literally my job to talk about Him. I believe that marriage is a sacrament, and between a man and a woman. Does that mean that I am opposed to "civil unions" or gay couples having rights and power of attorney  for one another, no it doesn't. I have been told that because I believe that abortion is the taking of an innocent life that I am anti-women. Wasn't aware one could be anti-themselves. I believe that women in a situation where they are pregnant and don't know what to do need to be helped. I support Pregnancy centers that actually help people. I am against Planned Parenthood because it doesn't help people, its business is abortion, not helping people. Helping people isn't saying oh we'll pay for your flight and your hotel for your abortion; it's saying oh you have a child, that's wonderful, here's our business' childcare place so if you want to work you can, oh you need time off because your child is sick, go ahead. It's far more expensive to support a mother than to cover travel expenses  for an abortion. When I point out that Planned Parenthood  was created and started as a racist organization I am told I am lying. I mean really how else are you supposed to take this quote "She wrote: “The minister's work is also important and he should be trained, perhaps by the Federation as to our ideals and the goal that we hope to reach. We do not want word to go out that we want to exterminate the Negro population and the minister is the man who can straighten out that idea if it ever occurs to any of their more rebellious members.” Spin it however you want, she was part of a movement that wanted to stop blacks from having children; sounds pretty racist to me. Oh but wait I'm the racist because I am a white woman. 

So yes, I stopped posting "political" stuff because the tolerant and accepting party is anything but. Leave it all to the current issue of gender. There are two sexes; male and female. I'm going go quote Genesis because we all know it, "God said let us make man in our image and likeness... male and female  He created them. If you think God made a mistake in making you, I will do everything in my power to remind you that you are made in His image and likeness and that He doesn't make mistakes. God did not need to create anything least of all humans. He created  us for His Glory and so that we can be with Him. I don't hate anyone, I will be the first one to say God loves us all, the Churches doors are open to everyone, here's what we really teach. 

What was the point of that long introduction, it's to show why I stopped talking it's because no one listened, it's been "you must believe this or you are a bigot" for far too long. Charlie Kirk said some outrageous things, but he did not deserve to be assassinated for speaking his mind or having an opinion. When I first saw the he was shot I remember thinking "I always thought that would happen, and then I prayed, I started Eternal Rest, and then thought wait I don't know if he's dead, so I opted for a Hail Mary." Fitting as one of the last videos Kirk had posted was defending Mary and most Protestants don't do that, they make fun of Catholics for how we venerate her. What I have seen over the past few days is people waking up and saying "this man was killed for an opinion, that's not supposed to happen in the US." I see people claiming to be caring about Kirk's family yet they are making comments about how his wife was lying to her child in saying "daddy's on a work trip with Jesus." For the past 7 years I have been in early childhood education and I thought what a sweet way to answer "where's daddy?" Did I agree with some of the ways and things that Erika Kirk said no, but I mean she is grieving her husband, and what she said really has no bearing on my life, other than we will not be quiet. 

Call it a battle cry or whatever you want but those of us who have been quiet have seen that it doesn't matter if you speak out or if you are quiet. I have watched people who claim I wasn't like the others at college and that I was opened minded unfriend me because I dared to say that a Christian woman telling her child that daddy is with Jesus is appropriate. Maybe my saying I could have been Kirk is what set them off, or maybe the tolerant and acceptance only goes one way for them. When Roe v Wade was overturned the same person said "let's make donations in pro-lifers names." I said after all these years you would do something like to me out of spite even though there was a time when you agreed with me. That didn't send them over the edge, but my defense of Kirk did. 

Here's why I followed Kirk on social media, one of his videos came up as they do, and I thought wow how did this guy stay so clam when someone was screaming at him. Kirk allowed anyone to come up and tell their story, if they questioned him on transgenderism, he listened, heard their story and then responded, just because his response was not what you wanted to hear doesn't mean he didn't have the right to say it. 

I uphold and teach all that the Catholic Church teaches, I could easily have been in Kirk's position, it easily could have been me. That is what set people off. You can claim to be tolerant, but you cannot with the same breath celebrate the death of a human being just because you disagreed with him. People will say "the left didn't kill Charlie Kirk, well the right didn't either." The young man who shot and killed Kirk heard something somewhere. I mean you can only hear so many comments about how Trump and people like him should be dead before someone acts on it. I'm tired of being quiet, I'm tired of being called a bigot, hater, anti-women, and racist because I am Catholic and conservative. We are tired of having to believe and be a certain way in order to be so called tolerated and accepted. 

Evil is real, Lucifer aka Satan exists and he hates humanity the most because we are the closest thing to God. We are closer to God than he ever will be, we are the creation that was made in God's image and likeness, not the angels, us, lowly humans. 

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, oh Prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God cast (thrust) into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen 

God Help Us.  

Our Lady Queen of Peace, ora pro nobis. 

Habemus Papam (raw emotion in this so not censoring myself)

 No one reads this thing so I'm just going to type up my emotions on the new Pope. 

I couldn't say it because I was in class with my pre-k students, but holy shit, they picked an American. Ok fine we can be technical and say that Francis was the first American pope, but everyone calls those of us rom the USA Americans, so piss off. 

I have lived through now 3 conclaves and each one has been similar yet different. I am a JP2 girl, I will not deny that St. John Paul the Great influenced my life and faith. I saw him the most World Youth Day (WYD) Paris in 1997, WYD 2000 in Rome, 2001 in Rome with SHU, WYD 2002 in Toronto. Each of those was similar but different. In Paris I felt like I was one of few if not the only one of my group that actually wanted to see the Pope. My being more religious or "knowing" more about Catholicism has been a theme throughout all my life. JP2 was elected in October of 1978 a year and 2 months before I was born and he died in 2005 fittingly on the Feast of Divine Mercy. Like many I had never experienced a conclave and back then technology and media was not what it is today. JP2 was Pope for 27 years; he traveled all over the world, updated Canon Law, updated the Catechism, wrote many letters, encyclicals and other documents. As 2005 was 20 years ago no one wants to think about JP2's legacy as we are still living it. A return to tradition or going backwards as many would say has made an appearance among the younger priests and members of the Catholic Church. 

I remember sitting at my job listening to the announcement of Benedict as Pope. I remember how relived I was when I heard Ratzinger as I knew nothing would change. Benedict was a continuation of JP2 and was the reason JP2 could leave the Vatican as much as he did. Benedict like JP2 was a fan of tradition, they lived in the "Palace", they wore the red shoes, the "fancy" vestments. Benedict was a teacher and we have the current Catechism because of him and JP2. I was sad when Benedict resigned and wished he stayed in office until his death. Maybe that's why the conclave that elected Pope Francis didn't have the same emotions attached to it. Benedict died humbly hidden away from the world yet all anyone wants to talk about is the color of his shoes and how fancy he was. He and his predecessor left us with a ton of excellent writings but all people seem to care about is shoes, vestments, and going backwards. 

When Pope Francis was elected I remember thinking who did we elect and that's an interesting name choice. While I respect the office I was often left confused by what Pope Francis said. Maybe that was more towards the end of his papacy than at the beginning. Maybe the influence of JP2 and Benedict finally started to show themselves during Francis' papacy. I didn't have the same feeling of "relaxation" when he was elected. He was unknown to me and in many ways still is. I felt a connection to the other two but never Francis. 

I had the opportunity to see JP2 quite a few times and each time was more special than the last. Thinking back on Toronto still brings the tears of joy; I even made it on tv. Benedict came to NY and while I had to enter the Evil Empire of Yankee Stadium it was by far my favorite Papal Mass, WYDs was massive so Mass was chaotic but still Mass. Mass at Yankee Stadium while people annoyed the shit out of me, was Mass. I had the immense pleasure or being in Rome for JP2's beatification. It was one of those things where we ended up watching the Mass on TV despite being there, that's how crowded it. We got to see Pope Benedict at the Papal Audience and that was one of the few times in my life that I put the camera down as he drove by. When I saw both JP2 and Benedict I felt something, what it was I don't know. I did get to see Pope Francis when he came to the US. I happened to be teaching in NYC and the Archdiocese gave the opportunity to get tickets to Central Park. It was a literal drive-by. I know NYPD wanted to move him through quickly and it was quick. I spent more time talking to the NYPD officer standing by me than I did looking at Pope Francis. I remember thinking why didn't it feel the same as when I saw JP2 or Benedict, and that would show itself later. 

JP2 was the only pope I knew forever, then Ratzinger became Benedict so I felt that continuity, that was missing with Francis. Which is odd considering how I feel about evangelization. I don't make maybe all the infighting over which form of the Mass is what has turned me off. I mean yes technically Francis lifted all the restrictions on the TLM but it felt like if you liked the TLM or anything that involved tradition you were called rigid. 

Now we have an American Pope and I am shocked because for the first time in my life the Pope is relatable, he's been to baseball games, his brothers made fun of him or being religious. He speaks American English. When he appeared and was wearing the red cape and stole, I was ecstatic when I saw that. The excitement I felt when I saw the white smoke and was able to tell my preschoolers oh we have smoke continued and I think I had the same reaction of any American Catholic who was truly paying attention to the Conclave.... AN AMERICAN... WOW! and stunned silence. 

I am happy to see tradition return, I am happy to see the Pope return to the building that was built for hime to live in. Casa Santa Marta was built by JP2 as a place for the Cardinals to stay during the conclave. I am tried of hearing all about Francis' humility and how Pope Leo isn't humble because he decided to wear the traditional garb and is returning to the "Palace." If you have been to the Vatican you will know that it's not a palace but a big building. Pope Leo will not be surrounded by gold and fancy things like King Charles is. I hope Leo brings back the red shoes. They are not fancy, they are not Prada, they are a sign of the martyrs who blood the Church was built upon. 

Pope Leo has been in office 2 days and I can see from so called experts it so it's so nice to him wearing the simple black shoes like Francis, he must be so humble. Oh look the Pope has an Apple Watch, I thought they couldn't have nice things. The men who are called to priesthood are human, they are allowed to have nice things. Maybe the watch was a gift, don't forget that during the conclave he wouldn't be able to have it thanks to the whole not electronics rule. 

While sitting here typing this I can't help but think what a reward for the National Eucharistic Congress. We turned our whole country to Jesus and brought Him from all four corners of the US to Indianapolis where 60,000 people sat, knelt, and prayed in silent Adoration of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. I don't know what God has planned but I know the Holy Spirit is moving and I am excited. Pope Leo is giving me JP2 vibes, he may not be as exciting but he's young and American and that's a start. What I like is that the man can chant, uses Latin, and seems to like tradition. The Church is not political, the people in it are. JP2 and Benedict were no more political that Pope Francis, they spoke with clarity and said what they needed to say. We got Evangleization and care for the environment from Francis. We got the Catechism and God is Love from JP2 and Benedict. 

Before people pounce on me and say oh you don't like Francis, I did, he just left me confused. I never had to go read what JP2 or Benedict said because you knew what they meant. With Francis I got tired of saying go read what he actually said. 

I veil, I like Latin, I love incense, so yes I am looking to see that reflected in my Pope and I think I have it again. Pray for Pope Francis' soul and pray for Pope Leo. This is not a job anyone wants, you stay with tradtion and pass on the faith and no one likes you because you are old fashioned and going backwards. Go to far forward and no like likes you because you remind them that we are all responsible for one another. The Pope is not God, and his opinions are just that opinions. When he speaks as the successor of St. Peter from the Chair then he is infallible, but only in matters of Church teaching. 

Long Live Pope Leo XIV

Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for him

Mary, the Immaculate Conception, pray for him

Our Lady of Good Counsel, pray for him

Interesting what I wrote back in 2013 https://irish3509.blogspot.com/2013/10/the-tale-of-two-i-mean-three-popes.html

I did a thing

So after 9 years I finally did it, I got a tattoo. I didn’t tell anyone except a few people who would understand why I did or or more accurately wouldn’t care that I did it. 

Before you condemn the ink on my arm ask me why. Why I have Hope’s own handwriting on my arm. Yes, the grief for my mom is constant, but before that was and continues to be the grief for Hope. 

For those who don’t know Hope was one of my original youth group kids. She was part of the groups from middle school until she graduated high school.  I don't tell the story of her death often because, well honestly I don't know, probably because I still wonder what we could have done to prevent it. Hope took her own life and honestly there was probably nothing we could have done to stop her.  What her death did was make me more aware of how we handle mental health in general but more particular in the Catholic Church.  I think we have a way to go in both places.  

Anyway the tattoo is her name in her own handwriting, The semicolon is there to remind me and others that our stories continue, it is purple because that was her favorite color and honestly it's one of mine too. 

Hope's death was by far the hardest I have ever had to deal with and if you know me you know I have been to funerals for people of all ages, babies included.  

Anyway I now have a constant reminder that we all matter and that our stories continue on. 

I hate this picture (not censoring myself so expect some salty language)

So this stupid sign has been making it's way around facebook again.  Every time i see the damn thing it reminds of why I have issues with the sacrament of Confession.  Lifelong Catholic who went when she had to while at school, went while on retreats in high school and college.  As an adult doesn't go as much.  I could get up in front of a room full of a thousand people and give a talk but ask me to enter "the box" and I freeze.  Yeah it mostly has to go with my own perceptions and having admit that I am at fault,  

I hate this picture because it shows so much why people dislike the Church.  It's always make an appointment.  Could I do that, sure, am I going to, fuck no.  

Reason one I hate this picture, it shows we need more priests.  I tell my priest friends all the time, I'm not looking for you guys to have more work to do, but changing your weekday Mass schedule so that all the churches in an area don't have Mass at the same time would be nice.  I hate that our parish makes the poor guy saying Mass at 5:30 also hear confession for an hour before hand. Dude, one of you can say Mass and the other hear confessions. I get that it says there is only one priest and that's the big issue. 

Reason two I hate this sign is the whole keep it short shit.  Dudes I know, I don't want to talk about everything but sometimes it helps.  A lot of people besides me have issues with Confession and things like this don't help.  Most of the time when this is posted people say "if you know you're going to take a long time, call and make an appointment."  How about don't  be a judgmental asshole, and don't assume shit about the people in line with you.  That person could have used up all of their energy to get to confession and now has to deal with "make sure you keep it short" or other things.  

I have had good and bad experiences in the confessional.  I have been told that what I have said is not a sin and told it is a sin; I chalk that one up to inexperience on the younger priests part.  Keep it short could be I stabbed my brother, but did you stab him with a pencil or a bloody sword, one obviously worse than the other.  I have a religion degree I know my shit, but was corrected by a priest when I mistakenly said Vatican 1 instead of Vatican 2 or something like that.  

I love my priest friends and they all know that I will not go to them for confession unless it's an emergency.  I love my priests and my issue isn't with them, they won't deny someone the sacrament.  It's the judgmental assholes who say "why are you in there longer than 5 minutes." if you're going to be longer than 5 minutes make an appointment.  Anxiety exists and it keeps people from doing things that person who is "taking too long" might not have been to confession in years.  Asking this person that has been away for so long to go away and make an appointment is wrong.  

Case in point, it's been a while since I have been to Confession.  I tried to go one day and realized I was in my personalized and the families from the first Communions that day were either still there taking pictures or coming for the next one.  I literally froze and said, nope, can't do it.  The intention was there and it still is but you don't know what that person is going through.  

I guess this sign just shows that we need to better education people on the Sacrament and more importantly Churches need to offer it more than just once a week or via appointment.  Because I have been trying to get there, but Saturday afternoons get pretty busy, pretty quickly.  

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Bobby Angel

So I read this section a week or two ago and just never blogged about it. Bobby talks about St. Ignatius Loyola aka the founder of the Jesuits and his “discernment of spirits” 

Obviously the good stuff comes from God and the bad from the Devil. I know full well that fear and anxiety come from the Devil. We always talk about how God allows bad things to happen but we so often forget and refuse to talk about the influence of evil and the Devil on and in society. I am also fully aware that being inside my own head is the worst place to be. While I am usually happy I will always assume the worst will happen. “Wait for the storm to pass” I literally wrote what if that storm never seems to pass, what if it goes on for years?  “When our soul is ‘sick’ something is off, God allows us to feel distant from Him only to evoke the instinctual desire to return to Him and His consolation.”  I remember whe I first learned about Dark Nights of the Soul and how so many people acted like it wasn’t a real thing. It’s a game changer when one of your theology professors acts like something that is real isn’t. It was explained to me by someone that Dark Nights come about because God has shown us the top of the mountain and we see it in all it’s light and that the Dark Night is when we have slid down the mountain and the light isn’t as bright. At least I think that was how it was explained. At the time and still today it makes sense to me. Am I climbing back up that mountain, of course, and every so often that Light breaks through to remind me why I am climbing but then the Darkness returns and one is left to wonder again. So yeah I am living out that statement and I know discernment and the life of a Catholic is not supposed to be easy. 

There’s a set of questions in the reflection: 

Have I committed a mortal sin or grown lazy in prayer? I’m going to separate these into two questions because being lazy isn’t a mortal sin as far as I know. This is where the scrupulous person in me comes out, I don’t think I have committed a mortal sin, but have I and then just made it worse by adding to it. Yeah I know I need to go to confession. Grown lazy in prayer, I mean that’s a yes, but it’s more than that. It’s a why am I going through the motions of reading and saying the words if nothing seems to be happening.  When things at work got crazy I would always think “what would that have been like if I didn’t say Morning Prayer?” 

Have I stopped going to Mass or receiving the Sacraments? The quick answer is no. Mass is my ‘safe space’ for lack of better terms, it’s where I can be myself and not worry. I do the minimum so Confession is usually once a year, I know, I know I should go more. See the idea of how scrupulous can I be comes into play. 

What materials have I been putting into my body? This one made me laugh because I’m like I’m not doing anything illegal but yeah I could totally eat better and cut the alcohol consumption down. The cliche of you are what you eat comes to mind, yeah I know the less garbage I put into myself the better I will be. 

Have I been gossiping or allowing a spirit of negativity to dominate my thoughts? I try not to gossip it’s probably why people look over me for things. I’m am totally of the I don’t need to know and if you want me to know just tell me. Does this mean I don’t talk to people, no, but I am not going to be oh tell me what’s happening. ‘Spirit of negativity’ I guess I could say yes to that one considering I always assume and think the worst. 

Have I been watching pornography or movies that degrade the human person? No, but it is kind of hard to find a movie or show that doesn’t degrade the human body. Society in general has become more complacent with things. 

So looking at those questions I do could with bettering myself and availing of the sacraments that are available. 

Bobby does mention the Dark Night and I am glad he did, as most people don’t mention it as they understand it. I don’t know if I would call it a “gift” but I do appreciate the explanation of what St. John of the Cross said “gift that allows our soul to be stripped to the point where God alone can shine.” I don’t know if I have it in me to read Dark Night of a Soul, even my spiritual director in college wasn’t allowed to read it. Granted I am a lot older now so I should be able to handle it. He speaks of having a support system and I do have a select group of friends that get told everything. 

Think back on a time when you were in a state of desolation. Describe how that felt and what you experienced. Who in your support network can you reach your in a time of desolation? 

I don’t have to think back I am currently in one and probably have been for a while. I would call it a Dark Night and while yes there are periods of consolation they seem to be few and far between. I do have a select group of friends that I rely on, oddly I saw most of them today. My best friend is a priest so he gets everything as does the choir bestie. I wouldn’t consider the other priests best friends but they are friends so they get told pretty much everything too. There’s no way to describe how it feels. I mean I am joy filled but a dark night feels like that joy that was once there will never come back. 

This was one of the longest blogs and it took forever to write probably because it’s the part of discernment I am living out. Times of consolation are wonderful but with consolation comes desolation. 

Homilies that make me think

In all honesty if I remember any part of a homily on the walk home from Mass it means it was a good one, if I remember it days and weeks later, it was a really good one. Recently the vicar’s homilies have made me think. 

Side note we have the vicar, the former vicar, Padre Best Friend, and of course the pastor, if you know me you know who they are but blogging purposes the nicknames work. 

Anyway back to the homilies. A few weeks ago the vicar mentioned how we all need to keep growing in and learning the Faith in his homily. For the past few years I have used my Every Sacred Sunday journal or what I call my Mass journal. It allows me time to read and reflect on the Sunday (and Holy Days of Obligation)  readings, it also allows me to take notes on the homily. That’s how I use it, others could do something different.  I remembered writing “adult faith formation” in my journal and wonder if any parish was looking to hire someone to do just that.

The vicar is right we do need to keep learning the faith and not just stop with that 8th grade or maybe high school level of education. I seek out ways to keep learning and growing most people do not. Most parishes don’t offer ways for adults to learn what the Church teaches. We offer Bible studies, or something else but nothing along the lines of here’s what the Church actually teaches. So yes I’m this whole discernment thing my heart wants adult faith formation but has to settle for religious education because that’s all that’s out there. 

I don’t know why but this Mother’s Day was more emotional than the past few years, it probably has to do with everything going on in my life at the moment. Not that we talked much about stuff but what I wouldn’t do for one more trip to the mall, simply because that’s when we talked, on the car ride to and from the mall. Yeah I know I can still talk to my mom but it’s not the same. So I went to Mass hoping I ended up with the vicar for a few reasons and was I beyond thrilled to have him, incense, and a sprinkling rite. I’m a liturgy snob so my day was made and given the day it was that hour was the bright spot in an otherwise blah day. 

In his homily the vicar mentioned how our inside needs to match our outside. By far not the first time I have felt called out in a homily, but this one hit home. It hit home because that morning I was thinking about how my “safe space” was church, how I could be myself in Church, how I was happy at Mass. If anyone saw me, as they do, they saw the crazy lady who veils and sings at Mass, they see the pious woman on the outside but no one knows the inside. How many times have I complained about behaviors at Mass (adults, not kids), acted like the know it all, or how often do my thoughts not match that of a Christian. The former vicar when we saw each other asked “how’s your rage?” I’ve always been honest with him so the answer was “oh it’s there just hidden, well suppressed” The anger and spitefulness I feel with the whole work situation is righteous in one sense and just wrong on another. 

“I will not leave you orphans” is the line that stuck out in the Gospel, the vicar pointed that line out too, it most likely spoke to both of us for the same reason. There was so much in his homily and it’s not the first time I have thought about how alike he and I are it just stood out in this homily. Attached to the does the inside match the outside question was a good point “is that where the frustration of not feeling God’s presence comes from” I know God is with me on this journey but knowing and feeling are two different things. I have said it to myself many times, where is the faith I used to have. Oh I see glimpses of it as a reminder of what is there but that Dark Night overshadows it, that exact frustration of not feeling God’s presence is what I wish I felt during the week instead of just for an hour on Sunday. 

Also in the homily was the line spoken for himself but to all of us “through the liturgy Christ reminds me that everything will be ok” As I have said many times I am a liturgy snob it’s just who I am. Mass is my happy place. I saw it on Easter as well I was happiest when I was at Mass. As I was scrolling one of the God awful social media platforms I caught one of Fr. Mike Schmitz’ homilies where he said “Mass should change us, if we are the same after Mass as we were before, we’re not doing it right” that’s become my prayer at Mass, change me. I’ve always said “take all of me as unworthy as I am, use me” Just the reminder that Jesus’ saving act that is re-presented to us at every Mass should be enough to get me to go to daily Mass, now that I can. 

My first reaction when I was fired after I sat in my car for a minute was “I need a Church with Adoration” so that’s where I went to Adoration. Oh I was angry, still am, but I had calmed myself down enough to be in some semblance of a proper place for praying. I’m his homily the vicar said “Jesus is with us 24/7 in the Eucharist.” 

Since my days as an undergraduate I have been drawn to Adoration, the former vicar wonderfully brought back monthly Holy Hours to the parish. Yes I know as my Bishop-emeritus said “you can just come in the Church and be with Jesus” but to my crazy self it’s not the same, even though it is. I like the pomp and circumstance of formal Adoration and Benediction. 

The last thing I wrote in my Mass journal was “who sits on the throne of our hearts, God or ourselves.” Pretty sure I was writing it before the vicar said it. So as I stumble on this discernment journey, honestly as I stumble on life’s journey who sits on that throne? I would love to say God, but if the question “does the inside match the outside got me thinking” I know the answer is myself. 

Everything happens for a reason and God has a plan, I just wish I saw it a bit more clearly. Id the waking up at 6:45 daily is any indication my lazy ass should be going to daily Mass. 

Lord, guide us, protect us, keep us safe. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Jackie Angel

So in Jackie’s reflection she talks about making the shoe fit and well that seems to be what I have done with my jobs ovwe my life. I just kinda make it fit to what my life is at the time. She speaks of how we should be deciding between two good things. That’s the issue I’m stuck between teaching and ministry. 

I can easily apply the door questions to ministry and answer yes to all of them. With teaching it’s not necessarily that easy. Maybe that’s the answer after all these years I might finally have a ministry job and not just all that unpaid experience from college and the parish. 

What competing good choices are you facing right now? 

Ministry in particular campus ministry versus teaching. Don’t get me wrong I know that in some form I will always be teaching. The idea of being in education appeals and doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I loved being with the kids the past few years but administrators made me really really dislike it. I can’t say hate because I didn’t hate it I hated the most recent environment. 

Imagine committing to a particular option before you, and mentally consider what the results might be. Does this bring you a sense of peace or anxiety? 

Everything seems to being anxiety right now, at least I know what it feels like. I have played out certain aspects of ministry in my head already. That usually get me into trouble as when I think a job is mine it usually isn’t. It’s usually the opposite when I feel beyond unqualified that I get it. I’ve also played out teaching and what makes me excited about that is being able to teach a religion class, the rest of it not so much.  I’m leaning towards ministry giving me peace but I don’t think I would feel peace right now. 

Ironically my prayer used to be like Fr. Mike’s, I want an answer and today I changed it to “guidance along this process” I should have known that asking for guidance would be mentioned in this reflection. It may be a few weeks but I will eventually have my answer. 

Door questions: (I don’t feel like moving them to the paragraph) 

1. Is this a good door?
2. Is this an open door?
3. Is this a wise door?
4. Is this a door that you want to walk through?

If you know you know

This is written purely for me to get it off my chest. No names were used on purpose and not a mention of where I worked so if you know, please keep it to yourself. This is the conversation that took place and my side. Yes I know there are two sides to every story.

I play things close to my chest so if you already know this, you are one of the few I trust with my life. 

I was unceremoniously fired from my job simply because I kept pointing out that state law was being broken and because the director of the school has never seemed to like me. The nice way of saying it is difference of opinion on how classroom ratios were handled. 

I could play out the whole morning it happened but honestly there was plenty of signs before that the excuses were just found that day. The main issue ratio has been an issue basically since I started there a year ago February.

Here’s how that morning played out:

I count the kids in my room as the teacher next door counts hers and we figure out how to be in ratio as our ratio is 1 adult to 6 kids. Within a few minutes a bunch of kids show up for the room next door putting her a few over ratio. She’s a newish teacher so she asked me what to do and I said call the front; she did multiple times and no one answered.

All of a sudden the director comes in and says “stop checking kids in” 

Me: (I could have been nicer about how I said it but I was tired of this being a daily occurrence) I’m not… and it doesn’t matter, we are over ratio 

Director: then who is checking them in?

Me: I don’t know (I totally did, but I don’t play that game

Director: why didn’t you call, it comes to my phone I didn’t get any calls 

Me: I just went to 7 kids, but I watched “teacher next door” with my own two eyes call multiple times so yes someone called

Director: I can’t deal with the yelling 

They send another teacher next door I send the kids that belonged there back, with in a few minutes my room is over ratio. I this time I did check my 7th kid in, took off her jacket, got her setttled and then went about sending one of my kids next door. While I was doing rhis rhe director came in and just stood at ehe gate, I didn’t even know she was there until after I put one of the kids in the room next door. 

I go about my day like normal until one of the teachers from my room comes to me and says “they want to see you in the office, it’s probably about this morning just so you know” I said thanks and walked back towards my classroom where the director and curriculum coordinator happened to be standing at the gate into the room. The kids see me and squealed with delight as they normally do. Director and curriculum coordinator turn around and we walk to the hallway, not an office but the literal hallway outside my classroom. 

Director: we are sorry you are so upset but we think your time with us is done

Me: thinking *did she just fire me?* and once my brain figured it out I was mad as fuck and everyone knew it. 

Director lists off bullshit excuses of how I didn’t interact with the kids, to which I vehemently replied that’s all I do to the point I apologize to the other teachers for not cleaning so she amended the comment to be “between 7-8” aka when the kids are getting dropped off and all these ratio problems happen. I was told I didn’t change diapers, also bullshit and I pointed out that they needed to make up their minds as to when diapers where supposed to be done. I then realized that I didn’t need to have this pointlessly conversation of defending myself and said “am I employed here anymore?” To which I got a no so I said this conversation is pointless and done. I was told because of a comment that I made in the heat of things that my attitude “of being sorry for those left after wasn’t needed” 

I had gotten a raise the week before so that 50 cent raise was thrown in my face as if it was God’s gift mankind and I should be grateful that even gave it to me. After that the director kept talking at me and I said I don’t work here anymore do I, she said no but don’t you want to know about payment. I said you’re paying me until today, correct and she said yes and then showed me the door. 

Could I have handled it better, absolutely did I need to get my Irish up and “yell” probably not, but after weeks and weeks of being out of ratio one doesn’t really care. 

So that’s the calm version of what happened. I’m currently looking for something else but I don’t even know if I want to stay in education or just something monotonous to do. 

Pray, Decide, and Don’t Worry take 2 chapter 2 Search and discern Fr. Mike Schmitz

This whole section speaks to me the same way it did 3 years ago. Fr. Mike talks about how he constantly asked “what do you want me to do?” and I feel exactly the same way. That seems to be my question “where do you want me, what do you want me to do?”

What am I looking for?

That is the question, what am I looking for. Like Fr. Mike said “an answer.” I am looking for the easy way out of this, I want the neon sign but I don’t want to have guess or figure out is this the sign or if am I doing the right thing. 

What decision is weighing on you? 

That’s a good question. I don’t know if it’s a decision as much as a situation. For years I have struggled with ministry or teaching. It’s always been between those two. I gave up on marriage approximately ten years ago, so it’s not that, I am fine with my vocation of “friend to priest” 

What is preoccupying your mind and your heart? 

Another good question. The whole situation with the former work place, and how it has left me feeling about teaching. When it’s dad’s time to go has long been on my heart and mind, so I have come to just live with it. I feel like I am stuck in a Dark Night and that it will never end. There are glimpses of the faith that once was, I saw that yesterday in going to 10 for Mass. I mean I got my favorite priest (well one of my favorites), smells, bells, and water aka incense, good music, and a sprinkling rite. I want the feeling that I get at and from Mass to last longer than a few hours. I miss the faith I had in college, I miss the trust I had. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

The same as it always does, torture. Not really but it is a pain. I don’t know why I feel like I have to do it alone. I count a select few priests as close friends or close enough to know what is really going on and yet I haven’t really brought any of this to them, not even the one I say was my spirit director in college. 

What is the root question that you are asking? 

The first thing to come to mind is what job, so I go to ministry by taking that leap. Do I stick with teaching even though the more I look at education the worse it gets. Maybe I am looking for confirmation in a decision. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? 

This might be the easiest one to answer. In college things seemed to work out the way I thought they would or I he no problem with them. Then a long time boyfriend never popped the question and I lost that trust in my gut feelings because I was convinced I would be married and have an army of kids. I had that trust and it seems to have gone away. I know God has a plan for me and I know it is better than anything I could ever come up with but deep down that trust isn’t what it used to be. I don’t want to say gone because it’s not gone I just don’t believe in it as much as I used to. 

Come Holy Spirit

The amount of times I have said that simple prayer usually before writing a talk or lesson for RCIA and confirmation. “Come Holy Spirit, fill the hearts of your faithful and deliver in them the fire of your love.” If my memory serves me right. 

Mother’s Day

I have long had a love/hate relationship with Mother’s Day. 

I’m an aunt so I don’t count. 

I’m a godmother I slightly count and that’s only in Catholic circles and even then it’s an afterthought. 

I mean I get it I’m not a mother nor will I ever be. I guess that’s where the problem lies, I will never be a mother. When I was asked in college what I wanted to be by my then boyfriend (who I assumed would be my husband) I said “a mother” he laughed and basically said no really, what do you want to be. I should have known then that it wouldn’t work out simply by that comment. I was in college at the time and a religious studies major hellbent on the idea that I was called to marriage. I wasn’t called to marriage or motherhood even though my career if you want to call it that has led me to basically being a mother to many children. Don’t get me wrong I understand completely that people need to bring their children to daycare but something is missing when a person who isn’t family spends more time with your kids than you do. I am fully aware rhaf not everyone has the life I did where my mother stayed home. Honestly I don’t care what parent stays home just that one of them stays home in the early formative years. 

So yeah I have a mainly hate relationship with Mother’s Day and always have.  This year more so than usual. I know how lucky I was to have my mother on Earth as long as I did. Doesn’t mean all the ads, texts, and emails aren’t a constant reminder of what was or more importantly of who is not at the table. Do I know she’s in a better place and no longer suffering yes, does it make it easier, not really. 

I no longer have to buy a gift, unless you count a flower for the grave. I have never gotten a gift for Mother’s Day, well one of my Goddaughters sends me a card and it’s makes me smile the she and her family consider me a second mother. 

I love my family, I love my aunts, cousins, and my grandmothers. Those grandmothers are long gone, and lived in Ireland so I rarely saw them. Ireland celebrates Mother’s Day in March so I get hit with it twice. I don’t mind it I really don’t. I just want people to realize that not all of have happy Mother’s Days anymore. I don’t have children and I never will so no one will be buying me gifts or celebrating me being a motherly person. 

I just want someone to say this sucks and you’re not alone. Trust me I know I am not as I have said those words to a friend, but it’s nice to hear someone else say it. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Bobby Angel

It always makes me laugh how Bobby’s story hits me almost as much as Fr. Mike’s does. 

I experience a fear of ________

Looking at the story and what I have written in the past holds true still today. I fear not being perfect, of failing, of disappointing someone. I also fear not being connected with someone, I fear that friendship will be rejected. 

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

The fear of not being perfect probably stems from years of competitive Irish step dance. The fear of failing in school and disappointing my parents. I never saw it like that at the time but it’s possible. All fear comes from Satan, God loves His children and doesn’t want us to suffer but He allows it. It’s what my father said to me “what are you going to do when I am gone” it was said with that my daughter has amounted to nothing in his voice. That my choosing religion, teaching or ministry is exactly as they said pointless. It’s never been about the money for me, it’s a nice perk but not what I went into ministry for. 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

I wish I knew. I long thought it was ministry but never really got settled in that. I recently thought it was teaching but now I am not so sure of that either. That word great makes it abound like it needs to be something special  and it doesn’t. I want people to know and love God and His Church. I just wish I knew how to do it better than I do. 

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for His goodness. 

My usual prayer of “take me sinful, sorrowful, and unworthy as I am and make me Yours” comes to mind. Lord, help me to trust You and Your plan for my life. Help me to see what you have planned for my life. Guide me, protect me, keep me safe. 

Scripture to pray with:

Psalm 118:6  “With the Lord on my side I do not fear. What can man do to me?” 

Haggi: 2:5 - “My Spirit abides among you: fear not.

John 16:33 “I have said this to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulations, but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

These are Scripture passages that I don’t really know but the idea of “be not afraid” is in them. Maybe, I probably won’t sit and think about them but maybe at some point I will think of them. 

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Jackie Angel

 Who am I?

My initial answer was "a child of God" I mean that's the easy answer.  I used to say I was a teacher, long before I would say child of God.  I am willing to admit that to myself and to the select group of friends that won't make sure of me for it.  I guess that's the ultimate questions, who am I, what am I.

What gifts have I received from the Father?

Plenty, normally I go with my ability to public speak, to sing (in the choir, I am not comfortable to bust out on my own), to dance. My life, my gifts and talents, even if I don't acknowledge them or want to acknowledge them. I know the Catholic faith and can pretty much answer most questions tossed at me.  

What activities do I usually use to define myself?

My former job, teaching, then again I always qualified it by acting like what I did wasn't really teaching. I'm a runner, well walker/runner, see even that I qualify. I have done two half marathons and many other races yet I feel like I have accomplished nothing.  I use the things I like to define myself. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved Child of God?

Myself, God's not going to give up on me no matter how hard I make it.   I don't know if I have issues seeing myself as a child of God, maybe there are issues with beloved, but not being one of His.  That's my usual response to the odd inclinations of not wanting to go to Mass, I am His, and I am not leaving Him and His Church.  Maybe I just don't see it fully. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not?

Sometimes, it stems from real life, not that God is imaginary, it just stems from knowing that my earthly father loves, but that at times it doesn't seem that way.  

Take It to Prayer: I am willed, I am loved, and I am necessary.  My God, help me to believe this.

You are a beloved Child of God. I can never lose the love of God not matter what. "Each of us is the result of a thought of God," Pope Benedict XVI asserted. "Each of us is willed, each of us is loved, each of us is necessary." 

This is a question I don't seem to struggle with as much as the what are you seeking one.  I guess I've come to terms with being God's child.  The idea of being necessary is probably the hardest, who really needs me, I'm not anyone's mother or caregiver.  I know people would miss me if I died, but  I am not necessary to any of them carrying on with their lives.  

Half crazy

You all see the nut job who did a half marathon, I kind of see her. What I really see is that chunky mid section. I don’t see the person who ran approximately 80 mins of those 202 minutes it took to finish. I see the 8 to 10 minute mile from high school that is now doubled. I see the teen who took no notice of running a mile who can now barely run a quarter mile without having to walk. I don’t see the ACL scar from the fall that helped to slow me down and add some of the extra weight. Don’t worry you can’t see it either, my surgeon was very particular about making sure my scar wasn’t huge. While I love them I don’t see the giant claves that came from all those years of Irish dance and track. I don’t see the legs that danced on Carnegie Hall’s stage multiple times.  I don’t see the weirdo who has now done two half marathons and shaved 20 mins off that first half. I see what I was and what I want to be. 

Should I see the crazy lady who did 13.1 miles yes, yes I should but I don’t.

Pray, Decide and Don’t Worry take 2, Chapter 1 Seek, Fr. Mike Schmitz

I feel like I am taking a step back in time with this whole discernment thing. Two years ago I was questioning all my activities with the Church and beginning the process of leaving crazy day care number one. I’m now officially out of day care number which I thought would be better but was actually worse. I’m out of there for doing the right thing and I know that because I would do it again. 

Seek, what am I seeking? I wish I knew. I don’t even know where to start. If the condition of my bedroom and laundry are any indication it’s no wonder I am so confused. Everything is all over the place and not a damn thing is organized. I feel like I am so distracted and can’t focus on anything. 

The questions: (from the introduction)

Lord, what do You want me to do?

I wish I knew, I thought I knew. I went from Religion major to religion teacher, to retail work, back to teaching, to teaching the little ones.  Now all I feel is lost and confused.  I was so set to go back and get my teaching certification but now I don't even know if I want to do it anymore. Is it worth it.  

Why don’t I hear anything when I pray?

Oh this question, not only do I not hear anything I feel nothing.  If you look at me at Mass I look put together and like I know what I am doing and what not.  Which is true as Mass is my safe space, oh how I hate those two words.  I don't know what's going on with my prayer life other than I feel like I am goin through the motions and I want more, I long for more.  

Lord, why won’t You just TELL me Your plan already so I can get to work? 

I feel like I have been on this discernment journey for 20 some odd years and in a way I have.  I always say if I was male this would be easy I would be a priest.  Sadly, now one would have questioned that.  I was told Religion wasn't good enough that I would need something better to make more money.  I never thought I would be stuck figuring my life out at 43,  I fully expected the husband and the army of children, but God obviously had other plans. 

Do you trust in His plan?

This is one where I wish I could honestly say yes, but I know deep down that I do not, because I feel like when I have trusted that it hasn't worked out or maybe I jumped too early. The trust is there it's just down deep. 

Will you take a step forward without knowing fully where the road will lead? 

This is the frightening concept, I like order, I like knowing things,  I like being in charge, but not knowing where that road will lead is a scary thought.  

The questions from Fr. Mike’s reflection:

What are you seeking?

I wish I knew.  I want to say God's plan for me, but right now I would settle for a little bit of happiness.  I want to know what God is actually calling me to.  Why am I always torn between teaching and campus ministry.  I'm seeking approval, approval for doing ministry work, not the constant "what are you going to do with your life" I always seem to get.  I want people to acknowledge that ministry work and teaching are legit jobs, not even teaching, people are usually fine with that.  I want people to see that ministry isn't a bad thing. 

What are you looking for?

I don't know, I know if I focused I could find something, but I feel so lost that I don't even know what I am looking for.  Part of me is looking for that person who will let me bitch and moan and I do have that, but another part of me wants to be that for others.  I guess I am looking for where I should be. 

What is the cry of your heart?

To help others is what stuck out in Fr. Mike's reflection. I honestly just want to pass on the faith, I want to teach the faith to those who want to learn about it, but no one has a adult faith formation position in this area or if they do I am far to old school/traditional and conservative for people. 

What excites you about life?

Honestly, right now nothing.  I'm stuck in a Dark Night where that Light is hidden and unseen.  Am I excited about finally getting to see one of my favorite people after months, yes, but I really shouldn't be excited about hanging out with a priest. 

What gets you out of bed in the morning?

It was work, even though I hated it.  I didn't hate it, I loved the kids, but the administration was horrendous. Hate is such a strong word and I normally wouldn't use it, but I can't think of another word.  Right now it's the fact that if I don't someone will think something is "wrong with me" and start complaining about it. 

What is weighing on your mind?

That I'm not good enough for anything, that I will never find what I am called to do.  That all I will be is this lonely woman in the corner with no friends and no job just wasting away. 

What are you avoiding?

In some ways the truth that I should hav done things differently, what I wouldn't do to go back and change things.  Usually I say I wouldn't go back, but honestly I would but who knows. I'm avoiding the responsibilities that I should be taking care of. 

What are you trying to bury deep?

Everything.  I thought I had handled my grief well, but I guess I didn't.  Nothing has been the same over the past three years.  I know I have plenty of people who support me, but it doesn't feel that way.  

What are you wrestling with?

Everything, but honestly it's what is my purpose, why put me through all this crap to basically get nothing out of it.  

What are you willing to sacrifice for? 

I would say family, and my select group of friends, especially my priests friends (Charlie, Frank, Sylwester). Interesting that I didn't say God first, but He's there in the priests I hope.

How do you define a great life?

My heart says by doing what God wants me to do, but my brain says what humanity says, by having money. 

What are you seeking? 

Holiness, why did that just pop into my head.  I mean I am but I didn't think that was what I was actually seeking.  I want guidance, I want answers, I want to know what I am being called to do. 

What purpose has God put on your heart?

I want to teach the faith, I want to bring people to Him, but it seems like that task never gets started or that I am too afraid to do it outside of the comforts of ministry. 

Do you even believe that you have a purpose?

The quick answer is yes, I just wish I knew what it was. I joke that my vocation is friend to priests as the three I count as my closest friends do share stuff with me, some more than others.  

The reflection questions:

What am I seeking?

This question was asked multiple times and I still don't have one answer.  I guess I am seeking answers, answer to why things happen to why I always seem to be the black sheep the one who will amount to nothing because she chose religion. I've been trying to follow God's path for me, but who knows where I ended up. 

What is weighing on my mind and heart?

Why it's not horrible in the grand scheme of things, all things considered as I seem to have led a simple and privileged life, I just wish people knew that my life hasn't been easy.  I don't know, I want a job, I want to do what God wants me to do, but I don't what that is anymore.  I see what I wanted, a husband and family and know that I will never have that, no matter how hard I try I am the old maid, I am the one no one wants. 

When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing?

I don't think I will make to to 90, but I feel like I should have so much accomplished by now at 43.  I regret things already, do I really need to add to it.  I don't know what I want to accomplish, at one point I would have said having a family, but now I'll just take having my own place and not having people assume things about me. 

What matters most to me? 

I would say family, but it's not.  I could say faith, but I don't know about that either.  I'm in such a rut and mood that my answer is going to be I don't know.  My faith, my immortal soul, even if I don't act like it is.

I want answers and I want the short quick no work needed version of things.  I'm angry, angry that I am being punished for doing what was right.  No one sees that outside of the people I worked with. I just want someone other than to see and understand that. I don't want the "I'm sorry" or "something good will come from this" comments. I want the life sucks and then some comments, but everyone is afraid of that and doesn't want to say it.  I want to know I am not alone, and I know I'm not even if it doesn't feel that way. 

21 Years later

As I sit on the porch I think where has 21 years gone.  I was 21 when the Towers fell and it's been 21 years since they fell, so it's all a bit weird.  My brain goes all over the place so I will try to keep it in some semblance  of order, but it may not work out that way. I will admit it is surreal to hear planes in the sky today, as it was so eerily quiet following the attack. 

The question is always asked "Where were you?" on this day. Here's my answer:

 I was 21 and had just started what would be my extra and final semester at Seton Hall.  Being an experienced student at that point my classes were later in the day or I may not have had any on that particular day. That I don't remember, what I do remember is what I did that day.  Typical college kid I was asleep at 8:30am, possibly awake and just laying in bed, either way I was in my room.  I remember mom, in her typical style (which I never thought I would miss but I do) barged in and said "a plane hit one of the twin towers"  I thought who flies into a giant building, thinking it was a small plane and a mistake."  This shows how time affects things, I am pretty sure mom came in to say "a second plane it." and I thought ok, what is going on. Something, looking back it was the Holy Spirit prompted me to get out of the house and wash my car.  Oddest thing to do but I did it.  I had turned on PLJ, and remember how somber Scott and Todd were, there was no usual antics just straight forwardness and confusion. Not a hundred percent sure on the memory of this either but my next door neighbor at the time (a new one has moved in since) said "one of the towers fell.  I know full well that God did not have in front of a TV screen because my memory has always been vivid and the last thing I needed was my brain flooded with the image of the second plane hitting. 

Random side note and theological musings:  If anyone was to look at me they know I bleed Catholicism and I love my faith and relationship with God, but back then I would say my faith and relationship were at the highest they have been or I was just more attune to things.  May of 2001 was a trip to Rome and then later that Summer a trip to Ireland and I remember how extremely worried about flying I was.  I don't like to fly to begin with and something was telling that planes weren't safe, but I went anyway.  When I went to bed on Sept. 10th I remember having an overwhelming feeling of many people needing help, so when the Towers came down I did what I still do I prayed.  

Back to our regularly scheduled where was I story: I was cleaning my car, listening to Scott and Todd, neighbor coming out to say "one of the towers fell" so I decided to join the rest of the world and watched TV with my mom.  (I miss that too, mom entered eternal life in February 2020.) The rest of the day continued with us watching the news and contacting family.  We didn't have Facebook or instant messages in the way we do now, so we had to reassure our family 3,000 miles away in Ireland that we were indeed safe and fine.  It took my dad 2-4 hours to get home, my aunt offered to let his stay at her house but I guess he wanted to be home with us so he took many a detour and got back to us.  My brother worked in NYC, Midtown, not Lower so he was fine but it also took him forever to get home.  So where was I, I was at home, wishing desperately that I was in South Orange with my friends, but stayed home as you couldn't go anywhere. 

Speaking of my brother, if you have read this blog before, you know that my brother, smart ass that he is picked 9-1-1 as his wedding date so that "no one would forget" needless to say we have not forgotten and I am always happy to have the happy memories attached to this day.  In the years that have passed I usually think of Dennis and John, the two guys that we knew who were killed that day.  Dennis was one of the 343 FDNY killed that day and his funeral was one that I will never forget.  My dad and his dad grew up a town over from each other in Mayo, Ireland and while I never met Dennis we are forever linked by the events of 21 years ago.  Dennis' funeral was packed, a testament to the Irish community in this area.  The mayor of NYC got there while we waited on the long line to get in, we knew that because we knew one of the cops that was part of his security detail.  On the line ahead of us was a volunteer fire fighter from Rockland County.  There was no body at the wake, just a picture, and this man stood in front of the picture and saluted a fellow brother. It still makes me cry to this day.  Dennis' mom told my parents "all I want is a piece of his body, even if it's a finger, to bury."  Mrs. McHugh got her wish Dennis' body was found later on. The other thing that sticks out was the "daddy we will always remember you" flowers.  While I can't think of the actual ages, Dennis kids would be in the early to mid twenties and I am sure their dad is watching them from above.  Who would have thought that a man I never met would have such an impact on my life.  Now to John, the man I did know, but don't think of as much.  I was always "Peter's little sister" when we lived in the Bronx, that's what happens when you are 12 years younger than your brother.  I remember John, I remember being is his parent's apartment.  The joys of living in the Bronx you all knew each other.  John's memorial Mass was odd as it was a homecoming of sorts and just what he would have wanted. For us it had probably been 8 years since we were last at the parish in the Bronx.  I was just 21 and anyone who knew us kept saying, "oh no that's not little Mary" and I would respond with Mary's not so little anymore.  In remembering John's life, he worked for Cantor Fitzgerald so I assume he was gone in seconds or so I hope he was, we all gathered in what was our Church for many years.  We all united around the Eucharist first and then went downstairs to remember John in our own ways. John son never met his father or well wouldn't remember him as he was either born just before or just after the attacks.  

So yes two men, one whom I knew, and one who I never met are forever linked in this infamous day.  21 years have passed and it still seems like yesterday.  Rest easy gentlemen and say hi to mom for me. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 2 Search and Discern refection 1 aka Fr. Mike

Fr Mike Schmitz mentions the question "What do you want me to do?" about his own discernment and I laugh because that is my question too. I looked back at the reflection from three months ago and laughed as it was all about stepping away from St. Anthony's. The vicar leaving was the catalyst for me to say, you know what I need a break, I need to step away, even if it's to show myself all that I did for free. Don't get me wrong I loved my ministries here, but after awhile you get tired of doing the same thing over and over again. 

God's timing is not my timing. I did not want my vicar to leave, but he needed to and he seems very happy in the new parish. I am blessed to have a newly ordained priest as my new vicar. I met him while he was a seminarian when the best friend who is now a priest was in the seminary. I am really happy he is here and he's great I just wish he arrived under different circumstances. I have said many times that I see myself in the former vicar, and I still do. I will forever be grateful that God send him here when He did. Perfect example of God's timing, when the former vicar arrived I was like who the heck is this and was weirded out by him, but there was something about how he said Mass that just spoke to me, not the homilies at first. Those props still went to Fr. Ray at the time, how the roles switched at the end. In the end I found another priest that became a friend. There is an unspoken connection with the deaths of our mothers, but the longing to be home; him Poland, me Ireland is the same. Two old souls in a modern world. In God's time we became friends, so if God can work with us two crazies to become friends He can work with me an anything. 

Fr. Mike mentions how discernment should be defined as "to agonize or wrestle with" and is that true. That's exactly how I feel right now, like I am wrestling with a decision that I know deep down but don't necessarily want to admit. The questions "what are you looking for?" And "what decision is weighing on you?" And "what is preoccupying your mind and heart?" The what am looking for is still "an answer to what do you want me to do?" Hence why I laughed when Fr. Mike mentioned it. The decision that is weighing on me is what job/career/vocation is mine. Do I want to stay teaching, do I make the jump to a regular school, do I go to ministry. Which one is it? Like stepping away from St. Anthony's the decision to leave where I work is pretty much settled, it's a matter of when. When do I want to leave my comfort zone. 

What does the discernment process feel like for you right now? 

It seems to come and go every few months. I pick up the boom or something happens at work that just pushes me the wrong way and I make an emotional decision. It literally feels like I am being pulled in two directions. Teaching or ministry, while I know I can do both I question which one is it. 

What is the 'root' question that you are asking? Where does God want me, what does He want me to do. 

If you are struggling to trust in God, why might that be? I think it's more fear of the unknown of not being in control of everything. I need to "let go and Let God" as the saying from high school goes. I feel like I trust God but do I really or am I being scrupulous in everything except getting my lazy self to confession. Am I scared of the answer or of what God actually wants me to do? 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry Chapter 1, Reflection 3

So I realized that there are three reflections per chapter, which makes sense as there are five chapters. So this reflection is on over coming fear and man did the whole thing speak to me. Fear of the unknown has long been my biggest or most prominent fear. I like being in control and knowing what is going to happen. However when I read the section again the unknown was not one of the fears I listed. The questions at the end of the section are: 

I experience a fear of__________.

Where did this fear come from? What experiences in my life have led to this buildup of fear? 

What great things do I think I might be called to do?

Ask God for boldness now. Ask for an increase in trust and ask that all fear may be cast out. Sit for a few minutes with this prayer. Thank the Lord for his goodness. 

When I reread this section the fears I listed off were failure, disappointment, and not being perfect. It's odd that death and the unknown didn't even come to mind this time. It's not so much death that scares me as not knowing what will happen. Guess that's the over arching fear leading to failure and disappointment too. I will never be perfect so I don't know why I feel the need to be perfect but I am definitely a perfectionist.  For the longest time I believed in my "gut feelings" as they were usually spot on and then a Dark Night entered or rather I entered a dark night and I began to question that feeling, but it seems like I should usually trust it. I guess the fear of failure comes from me not being the best at what I have done, being fired, or being asked not to return. It's like I have been allowed to get away with stuff and then it comes back to bite me. I'm tired of being disappointed in myself and others and that stems from multiple failed interviews or thinking I was called to one thing and it being another. Being a perfectionist just seems to be my way, I know the things I am good at and I can do them well so when I mess up it drives me crazy. 

 

I have thought I have been called to ministry for a long time, but I can never seem to find the right ministry job. I am a procrastinator and therefore probably send my resume to places when it's too late but I always feel it's worth a shot. I am so torn between staying as an early childhood teacher and jumping to an actual school or going to full time ministry. I could send my resume to places outside the NY area but I don't know if I want to be that far away from my family. 

Trusting God is my big issue I claim that I do trust Him, but do I really trust in what He has planned for me. Why do I think I know better than He does. I know God works in His own time and with us so there is no sense in looking back and saying "what could have been?" At Mass this morning/afternoon I got to watch my best friend concelebrate with the guy who was his master of ceremonies two years ago. The joy I felt at seeing them is what I want to feel all time. 

Lord, guide me, protect me, keep me safe... That's the prayer I usually say before driving somewhere, I trust that God will keep me safe when traveling so why can't I trust that He will provide in all the other areas of my life. Momma Mary on this the feast of your Assumption help me to trust your son's plan for me. 

Pray, Decide, Don't Worry! Chapter 1 Reflection 2

I underlined a whole bunch of things in this chapter, but I feel like that will be the case no matter what with most of these chapters. 

1. Who am I? Writing, well typing out who I am is weird because my initial thought was I am a child of God, but so often I forget that. I am a 41 year old woman who still lives at home and most people would scoff at that. When asked for bios on sites like Twitter and Instagram I would say I am a toddler teacher, reader, wannabe runner, a Mets fan, and Catholic. I don't stick Catholic on the end as an after thought as I feel that is what defines me or I wish that was what defined me. 

2. What gifts have I received from the Father? Interesting that it's Pentecost that I finally decided to sit down and answer these questions. I always start with my life, and then my talents. In high school that would have been my dancing, now I would say it's my ability to carry a tune. I don't like singing by myself in front of others, but stick me in a choir and I am all for it. I miss choir, stupid pandemic keeping us away from each other. Right now I want to say my ability to befriend priests, it's what is making my wanting to go to Confession hard. The vicar has hit the point where I don't know if I want to go to him, because we are friendly, not for any other reason. When asked about gifts I would say I don't have any, but I do. I don't mind talking in front of a group of people, but I hate small talk, unless I know and like you. I can care for 6 little one and two year olds by myself and manage to have them make it through the day usually unscathed. 

What activities do I usually use to define myself? Work, I always say teacher, but qualify it by saying toddler teacher because most people don't see me as an actual teacher. Mass goer, as that is the only other activity besides work that I go to. Walker, I want to walk more, actually I want to run. Irish sports fan, and baseball fan, I do love certain sports. 

What is keeping me from seeing myself as a beloved child of God? Trust. I think I do see myself as God's but it takes a backseat. As I have started to watch it more and more I think of the first episode of the Chosen and the line you are mine. It's not a new line or a new idea it just brings the first home that I am God's. I usually pray "I am Yours, do with me as You want" at the offertory at Mass. 

Do I struggle with seeing God as a loving Father? Why or why not? I am going to say no, because I have a decent relationship with my own father. I do lean more towards Jesus and Mary than I do on God the Father. So maybe I do struggle with seeing Him as a loving Father. Maybe I just simply struggle with seeing Him as a Father. 

Pray, Decide, and Don't Worry Chapter 1 Reflection 1

 I'm too lazy to go find a notebook and write these down, so the next best thing is a blog no one reads. 

Fr. Mike Schmitz's first question is also a Jesus question "what are you looking for?" The quick answer is an answer to my questions "Where do You want me?" and "What do You have planned for me?" I'm looking for answers and a confirmation of my decision to step away from ministry, even though I know I won't actually be stepping away if a few certain priests ask for help.  I'm so over the tension at St. Anthony's and maybe I just need to type up how I feel about that and some answers will appear.  I have become friends with the vicar as I call him, but long before that finally happened, I saw myself in him.  We are similar in many ways. In a way I am looking for a new home, a new church.  The last time I was looking for a job, I wasn't ready to leave St. Anthony's, I am now.  I'm still not ready to leave New Jersey as I can't imagine what it would have been like to be States and miles away when mom died. In a way I haven't properly mourned or grieved over that either.  She died and two weeks later the world shut down in a pandemic that's still going on.  

Fr. Mike asks "What purpose has God put on your heart? Do you even believe you have a purpose? Take some honest time to reflect on your life thus far. What is stirring in your imagination and in your heart?" As I read Fr. Mike's reflection, I saw myself in the I just want to help people.  I think now I also want to listen to people, I want to bring people to the Catholic Church, I want to pass on the faith, but I also love what I do, I really do love caring for the kids I have, they may drive me crazy, but I do love them.  This is why I am torn, every time I have gone towards paid ministry I end up doing something else.  I have a degree in Religion, minors in Catholic Studies and Latin, and a certificate in Evangelization, along with some credits towards my Masters of Theology.  Do I want to teach or do I want to minister or do I find a way to do both?  I do believe I have a purpose, for a while I thought it was to be a mother, but that's not going to happen, as it looks like a vocation to the single life is for me, it is what it is.  I feel I have found another vocation in being a friend to priests, granted that came from Charlie being ordained.  It's weird, I still see and think of him as Charlie, the friend vs. a priest, so many times I forget he is actually a priest, but he is one and I made it happen.  With the vicar, he's a priest who has become a friend, he will always be priest first then friend, Charlie is the opposite, friend first, then priest.  If I look at my life the only times besides retail that I have stayed in a job are teaching.  Do I go back to high school religion, I don't want the grades, I want to teach with out the issues of administration being there.  Do I look towards this new ministry of Catechist, it's not new, but it's different.  So yes I have a purpose and I thought I knew it, but I'm not sure now. Hence why I am reading a book on discernment.  

"honest time" is sitting here just typing words on honest reflection, am I becoming scrupulous, I am a perfectionist to an extent. I think my decision to step down from RCIA, and Confirmation is settled I am just looking for someone to say, yes you need to step away.  I think the vicar's situation is the catalyst I needed to say I need to step back and take time for myself.  I have felt as if confirmation preparation was pointless for many years.  All the way back to when we were doing the retreats, but I always said if one kid got something out of it, then it was worth all the heartache, I don't know if I feel that way anymore.  This is what it's like to be in my head, it's crazy I jump from place to place and idea to idea.  You'd think after all these years I'd know how to deal with myself.  I have long been a proponent of trusting my gut, but I lost that a long time ago when the Dark Night (I have been looking at too many Mets stories about Matt Harvey as I nearly typed Dark Knight, more on that man later) began to creep in.  I wish for things to happen and when they don't I don't know how to feel other than my imagination can be fairly active.  I think I use my walks and act like I am talking to another person just to get the thoughts out of or into or understood in my head. 

Am I making a difference, does what I do really matter, those are the two questions that came to mind when I was out walking yesterday. I was trying to get inside my head and in many ways I need to get out of my head.  

The reflection questions at the end of the chapter. 

1. What am I seeking? Honestly, I don't know.  The vicar in his homily today spoke about going above our wants and expectations and how when we do we are ascending and getting closer to our Great ascension to Heaven.  He asked some questions about being comfortable, financially stable, and in good health. I often say he and I are alike, good health made me laugh and cry as both his mother and mine died from cancer within two months of each other. Yet he put aside his grief to comfort me.  There is no way to describe that hug from him on Ash Wednesday in 2020, it was friendship, and I totally know what you are feeling all rolled into one.  Financially stable made me laugh as I have always worked for the Church, a school or in retail, none of which really pay a living wage. But it made me think, that other than being comfortable that I am honestly ok with the others not being 100% for me. I am at the age where health is going to decline anyway.  So what am I seeking, am I running from something, or just waiting for the neon sign that won't come.  I guess I am seeking answers or trying to find away to bring people to the Church, to actually pass on the Traditions and Teachings of the Church. 

2. What is weighting on my mind and heart? Right now it's the situation at the parish, I want that confirmation of "yes, you stepping away is what I want you to do" When I was looking at jobs it was oh no what will St. Anthony's do without me, now I'm at the point that I don't care what happens at the parish.  The vicar's decision seems to be my own catalyst to say, I am done.  I don't like disappointing people or change it's why I stay with something even if I don't like it. I like my routine and knowing what to expect.  The element of the unknown with interviews just doesn't appeal to me. 

3. When I am ninety years old, what will I have wanted to accomplish or regret not doing? I want to be able to say I followed God's will for my life.  I don't that I didn't do the best with that.  I want to bring people to the Church, and I most likely will never see that end result.  I want to be happy and joyful, I don't seem to have either at the moment. 

4. What matters most to me? I feel like my answer is yet again I don't know.  I am stuck in a rut, a dark night of sorts and I can't seem to get out of it. I want to say my faith and my family, but honestly I don't know if either one is up there at the moment. 

I can so confused, so tired and I just want the neon sign, but I know that's not how things work.